Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The Mom Test

It's 12:50 a.m.
Because I am a mom
this is how I spent the last
15 minutes of my life.

I was in a dream
and then there appeared
 my 11 year old
at the side of my bed.
I opened my eyes
she was covered in
florescent paint
and saying
I couldn't quite understand.
She called to me
and so I knew
it was important
but I couldn't
get a handle of what
was happening
in my dream
until I let it
"Mom, I just puked."

I wasn't dreaming.

I flew out of bed
using the wings
that God installed
just for moments
like these.
If I would have looked
back I would
realize that
my partner in crime
couldn't help it
that God didn't
make him for this job
and that is why
he hadn't moved
an inch
or an eyelid.

Before I knew it
I had stripped
down every inch
of that top bunk.
Of course
it was the top.
And of course
I needed those wings
so as not to
wake the one
sleeping on the bottom.

No need to mention
the smell or color
of the foulness
or how it sloshed
from pillow
to sheet
to comforter.
I looked down at my
to see her
use the trashcan
I had somehow provided
before flying into action
on the bedding.
The florescent
colors were gone now.
I blinked to make sure.

Before I could get my bearings
I started to remake the bed
and then thought to ask
do you want to sleep on the couch?"
The answer came quietly,
"Yes mom, that's a good idea
but I have all this gross stuff
all over me."

"Is it just on your shirt?"
"I got a little on my cast,
and it's all in my hair."

In to the bathroom
we flew.
I cleaned
off her arm cast
(and chuckled
at the thought
of the flu
and a broken arm
at the same time)
with a Clorox wipe
in between
the heaves into the toilet.
I applied
the two plastic
bags and rubber bands
that I had so
neatly stored
under the bathroom sink

I then turned her around
and stripped her down.
She's at a private age.
11 is tricky.
Somehow I was
instinctual enough
to just know
to have her step into the
shower before removing
her soiled clothes.

did you start your period, too?"
As in,
on top of
the broken bone
and puking.
She looked at me confused.

"Or did you
just poop your pants?"

She sheepishly answered
that she thought
that wasn't her period.

I plugged
the tub
and started the warm water.
Then I gathered the
dirty clothes
and the dirty linens
and headed to the laundry room.

I got the worst
loaded into the washer
and realized that the 13 year old
never started her laundry
like her told her to
before heading to work
this afternoon
or yesterday afternoon,
depending on the time.
Thank goodness
for adolescent

I grabbed
an extra blanket
and headed back upstairs
to the couch
where I found an
almost empty roll
of duct tape
which someone
had not put away.
The item that
had been alluding
my memory
for the past two days
came to me.
Compound W
needed to be added to
the grocery list.
Baby Caroline's
wart must be attended to.

Compound W
combined with
duct tape
is the best
for warts.
I actually
learned that
before I had
if you don't
count the hubby
and his massive
wart on his right knee
that I cured
shortly after marriage.

I washed and rinsed her hair.
And handed her
some soap
to take care
of the backside.
I held up her right arm
wrapped in plastic.
Placing back the soap
I told her to rinse with water.

I took care of the towel
which I had given her to rest
her broken arm on.
I guess the ledge on the tub
wasn't big enough,
it was floating at her feet.

I ran (I mean flew)
into her room
and grabbed her
comfy shorts,
and a cami
because times like
these are too harsh for bras
(even if she does
normally wear hers to bed)
and she will appreciate
the extra layer
of support.
How do I know?
Because I am a mom.
And I always pass the test
even when I am failing.

Here I sit
watching, typing,
shaking my head in disbelief,
not even longing
for sleep to come back to me.
Because I am a mom.
And I am always on duty.


Notice her favorite
scooby doo blankie?
I made it for her
when she was seven
and without even realizing it
I had grabbed it off
the couch downstairs
while fetching
the other warmer
before flying
back upstairs
30 minutes ago.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Just say no to mom jousting.

I recently read this blog post
after it was shared several times
by my friends on facebook.
Rage Against the minivan wrote it.
Can I rage against the minivan too
even if I drive one?

This is my two cents today.
Parents don't have to tell other parents
what to do or not to do.
Parents have to grow a backbone
and tell their kids to NOT expect something
just because other kids have it.
This is the problem with our society in general.
Parents are all competing
instead of supporting each other.

Sometimes (actually all the time)
we just need to check out of the
Mormon mommy blogger culture.

"Oh, you throw huge themed parties for your kids,
well my kids must have that too."

You read 10 books every night.
You always have ironed clothes.
You have sterile bathrooms.
All your clothes are from Matilda Jane.
You have an elf on the shelf.
You have a 5 course meal every night?
Your kids are each in a music lesson, a sport, and a cultural extra-curricular...
and you have 10 boys and 5 girls?
You have a leprechaun that shows up for Christmas?

Do you see how it can become a really huge problem
when you try to do everything like everyone else?

No. No. No.
That's all it takes.

And guess what?
Your kids don't care.

Or they may care
and then when you say no
they'll figure it out for themselves.

Case in point.

This is Bella
pretending to be
a leprechaun
for Saint Patrick's Day.
She thought that
Caroline deserved some fun
that we didn't want to provide.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Book Review: Deadly Undertakings

Mr. Luke sent me a copy of this book
with no agreement for my review,
and that makes him really super cool,
and one of my favorite authors ever
along with Julie Ford.

My reviews are always honest.
This book is definitely one that you won't regret buying.

Deadly UndertakingsDeadly Undertakings by Gregg Luke
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Gregg Luke has delivered once again. This creepy whodunit mystery about a serial killer who drains his 100+ year old healthy victims (yes plural) of their blood and the boyfriend/girlfriend police detective/assistant medical examiner duo who are trying to catch him is a perfectly blended half suspense and half love story. I love a good mystery especially when I can't figure it out until the very end, but even more I am a big sucker for a good love story. Why does it always surprise me when a man can write romance? Nice job Mr. Luke.

Gregg is a fantastic author who knows how to pace a story just right to keep the reader engaged, masters in-depth characters, and draws us into his awesome imaginary worlds: even though you know they are fiction, Gregg Luke has a knack at making them seem very real.

I always love reading books that are set in Utah, but this one was so creepy it almost made me wish it was set somewhere else. The bad guy(s)were oh so bad and the good guy(s) were not just perfectly good but perfectly flawed as well. This story is a great reminder that even broken people can be brave and they especially need to stay vulnerable. I love when there are subliminal messages towards mental health hidden inside the pages of fiction.

I am torn between a 3 and 4 star rating,
I think this books lies perfectly safe at 3.5.

It definitely isn't to be read when you are home alone.

View all my reviews

Monday, March 18, 2013

Winner for a Gaze Into Heaven

Saturday morning
I picked a winner
for my book giveaway.

who was my
#10 commenter.

I find it interesting
that Norina is my winner.

She had a really hard
miscarriage years ago
and when she tried
to explain to me her
I didn't get it.
At all.

Even though
I myself
had experienced
2 miscarriages
of my own
at that time
I just didn't get
the longing that she felt
or the sadness
at what didn't happen.

I get it now.
And even though
I still don't believe
I will personally
be united
with any of my
four miscarriages
(even if this last
one was at 18 weeks)
I understand
others desire for that
and I will welcome
more children 
in the next life
if that is indeed
how it works.

I loved the part
in the book
that talks about
babies all
going straight to paradise
and being cared for by family.
There are no children
in hell.
And that is how it should be.
And that realization
has made my desire for
that much stronger.
I can't imagine
a world
where there
are no children.

I can only imagine that
those reunions
are some of the

Congrats Norina.
I am so happy
to give you this book.
I think that,
like me,
you will love it.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Bend Out of Shape

I have this great friend 
Lynnae Boyer Weller.
She owns a little business called
Savannah Balloons.
You can learn more about her through her 

Her balloon skills are awesome.
Here is her version of

Happy St. Patrick's Day

I love it when people
can make our world
a better place
with their

I wish I had more artistic abilities.
I plan to read
to explore
if there is something
I have been missing.

Remember I blogged about Lynnae's mom here.
I miss her mom,
she always made me smile.

I hope you all have a great green weekend.
I plan to make some shamrock
clean house,
squeeze in a date with my hubby,
and enjoy
every last minute
or our last lazy Saturday
before Spring sports begin.

I wish you all the
luck of the Irish.

And just so you know
if you google
funny + st patricks day
you are going to
see a lot of stuff about beer
and even some naked redheads.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Rescued after 15 years, 6 months, 26 days

Take two llamas.
They are totally different from each other.
One is a pasty white blonde boy from the Bible belt
who is extremely intelligent, mild-mannered, and a lovely person.

The other looks almost Mexican (even though she isn't)
 is from Southern California
and is fun-loving, a total control freak, and crazy like a fox.

They are both Mormon llamas
and they have a lot of the same interests
the outdoors, music, family, education, spirituality, and playing volleyball.

These are the two llamas.
Just for the sake of the story.
They met on their Mormon missions.
They love each other very much.

One day they just knew they had to get married,
so they started making plans.
The boy llama being the shy kid that he was
never proposed
and the girl llama orchestrated every detail of their lives
and was then resentful that they boy
never proposed.

15 years, 6 months, and 26 days later
they land themselves in the
office of the marriage counselor.

They tell their story of
love and marriage
and how the boy llama
had another semester of college
to go in another state
and the girl llama
was all stressed out
and they just got hitched in 10 days.

The girl llama says
"I was a mess, I started freaking out."
The boy llama said
"I married her instead of finishing my semester
because I didn't want to lose her."

The marriage counselor llama
"Aw, that is so sweet.
In your own screwed up way
you let him rescue you.
How romantic."

The girl llama
was like
"Why the heck did I stay up 
all night
Ever After
why I sold out
to the ultimate
love story?"

Isn't he cute?

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Book Review: Gaze Into Heaven

I love this book SO much that I am giving away a copy. 
Leave me a comment with your e-mail address
and tell me which one of your family members 
you are most anxious to meet in the next life
and I will pick one VERY lucky person 
to get their own free copy.

Giveaway closes on Friday the 15th at 11:59 p.m.

Disclaimer: I received a book in exchange for this review
but my opinions are always true and 100% right.

Gaze Into Heaven: Near-Death Experiences in Early Church HistoryGaze Into Heaven: Near-Death Experiences in Early Church History
Marlene Bateman Sullivan

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This is the best book that
I have read in several years.
It has completely
changed the way
I view my mortal life.
I have sincerely
become a better
person just by
reading this book.

All of my Mormon friends
MUST READ this book.
And even you non-Mormons
will find this absolutely fascinating.

Gaze into Heaven is a book of complied true near death stories organized in a way that is easy to read. Each chapter is a piece of the after-life puzzle answering individual questions like what is a spirit body like and are there cities in paradise? What a wonderful compilation of early church (Mormon) history this is. The stories are eerily similar. Maybe eerily is the wrong word - I found it absolutely testimony building that all the accounts concurred with one another. "By the mouth or two or more witnesses" and witness they did.

These people who died and went to the other side and came back to tell us what they experienced did not know one another, but as I read their accounts I was stunned at the similarities. As I read the pages my life-long fear of dying dissipated. These Mormon pioneers described the freedom they felt as their spirits separated from their bodies, the joy they felt in the world with other kindred spirits, and the peace they felt in their passing and I found myself looking forward to the experience. For me that is a huge breakthrough. I cannot even explain my phobia of dying, its been debilitating at times. I am truly grateful to Marlene for writing this book and helping me have a greater understanding of my life now and into the eternities.

This book has power in its pages. After getting acquainted with just the first few chapters I felt like I was on hallowed ground just viewing the cover. I didn't even have to open it to feel inspired although I did as frequently as was possible in receiving this balm to my soul. These stories are sacred like the temple and I am so grateful they have been shared.

Buy the book in the stores or online at 
Go to Marlene's website to learn more about the author.

Here is one of Marlene's favorite quotes in the book from the experience of Thomas S. Thomas. 
Thomas' story was one of my favorites also.
Thomas describes what he learned in his near-death experience in the spirit world.
"All mental powers were restored. The fond memories of the past returned...your soul is endowed with wisdom and knowledge and filled with everlasting love...Distance is no barrier to transmit thought without instruments, or to travel under your own power. Your vision is magnified there; your future view is plain; desire for knowledge is inexhaustible; you are master of yourself  intelligence is the key to all realms which makes an endless trail to all advancement and is a place of satisfaction and joy to the soul... 
The grand greeting you first receive is from your closest of kin - father, mother, brother and sisters - and all that are near and dear to you who passed from earthly life and arrived in the Great Beyond before you. Your nearest and dearest friends and many others come to greet and converse with you. They ask about the conditions of their kin, those whom you were acquainted with on earth, and all are anxious to learn of their kin's surroundings and conditions. You will find this a great meeting place of all souls, where information is eagerly sought, concerning earth's conditions, by those who have passed from earthly life and are in this stage of existence. These souls are now busy, in the future existence, working in different habitations. Many are from different spheres. All souls are fully enjoying their positions and surroundings. You read from their cheerful countenances a condition of contentment.."
View all my reviews 

Friday, March 08, 2013

Daddy's Baby

I guess LG had been trying 
to grow his hair out again.
I hadn't noticed
until a few days ago he
lamented to me,
"Alice, I forget how far back
my hair has receded
until I grow it out."

Bad for LG.
Good for me.
I love his hair buzzed.

Imagine my surprise
when Caroline
brought this photo to me
and said,

"Mom this is so strange.
Dad doesn't have pokey hair."

LG I guess
you are going to have to 

We're you trying
to grow it out
at hopes of
those newlywed days?

Better luck next time.

Thursday, March 07, 2013


Did you know that there
are college degrees
in family science?

I never got it when I was younger.
Why would anyone
go to all that school
just to learn how to
be married and have a family?
Can't anyone do that?
Doesn't everyone do that?

I felt that those who majored
in family studies
were just doing so
because they wanted
an easy Bachelor's Degree.
Or they were looking
to build a resume
for their future spouse.
"Look at me,
I want to
spend eternity
in your kitchen."

The older I get,
and the more I attend
marriage counseling,
I am grateful for
the other suckers who
went through all the work
to help me to figure
out the complicated
parts that I never
understood back then.
And honestly: still don't.

just like everyone else,
I get it right,
without any studying at all.
Sometimes I get it right
out of sure dedication
and practice.

In the kitchen,
I need no therapy.

I am the boss.

In one small area
I've got the momming down
to a science.
I'm a PHDmf.
People Hone Down
(my food)

Here is a photo
for evidence.
Tuesday afternoon
this is what my kitchen counter looked like
right before I headed
out to my real job.
(ha ha - we all know
momming is my real job)

white chicken chili, homemade bread,
and after-school cookies

Let me brag for a moment.
Just the other day,
while we were on our way to soccer
Abigail received a text
from a charming young man
with whom we attend church.
We had taken his family
some cookies the day before.
He said,
and I quote,

"I would marry you
just so I could get your mom
in the deal."

Fist pumps were had
all around.
This little exchange
made my day.

Add to the fact
that Abigail's boy buddy
at school
(who has learned to cook
out of sheer desperation
because his mom doesn't)
calls me
"the regular Rachel Ray."


The neighborhood
adolescents' each have
their own
favorites of mine
whether it be
pumpkin bread,
cinnamon rolls,
chocolate chip cookies,
cake pops,
homemade bread,
or pizza.

Yeah I screw up
in the momming

But today I just want to take
 a moment to scream from my laptop:
"Guess what?
When it comes to
all it takes
is some skill in the kitchen!"

Momming comes naturally.
It comes best
while wearing an apron.
You can't learn it at college.
The reason any food is good
is because
the cooking of it has been
practices and practiced
and mixed,
and spooned,
and baked,
with LOVE
til it reaches
the status of

God had it all figured out.
He gave us plenty of time
to get it right while they are young
and didn't know any different.
By the time
they just want to hang out with their friends
the moms who have put
in the most

They can't resist bringing
their friends home
for some down home food.
They don't know it
but they are all getting 
some good old momming
all of the time.

Every bite
includes a
subliminal message
"drugs are bad"
"believe in yourself"
"I love you"
"I'm always here for you"

I might still have a bunch
of stuff to figure out, 
but when I think of
my success in the kitchen,
I know
that even
without a college degree
I'm doing pretty good.
It's not that complicated.
It's called I love my kids
enough to cook for them.

No matter how else I screw up,
I know one thing.
As long as I feed everyone
til I die
I'll always
keep them coming
back for more.

Did I mention
that my girls
have all been fighting
over who gets
which  recipes of mine when they
get married?

I told them I would
make them each their own
recipe box.

Maybe I won't have to cook til I die
after all.

Wednesday, March 06, 2013


This little lion has been with Caroline from birth.

It was a baby shower gift.
Thanks Aimee!!
Caroline named her
sometime in her first year.
Her name is 
or Newga.

Every night before this sleeping angel goes to sleep
we have a routine.
We go potty, change into clean panties and p.j.'s, and read three books.

We then give each other big kisses
and I say,
"I love you the mostest."
She then repeats it back to me
anywhere between 5 and 10 times.

Then I pull out Newga
(the last step til sleep)
and proceed to shower Caroline
with kisses from her favorite lion pal.

Caroline always tells Newga to "Stop it Newga"
while trying to hide under her covers.
Newga promises to behave,
Caroline comes out
and gives her a kiss
and then shares with lioness
her favorite pink blankie.

As I walk out of the room
I say
"Goodnight Caroline.
Goodnight Newga."

Thank you to
Ms. Sunshine
(the pre-school teacher)
for a very permanent reminder
of how powerfully
this nightly ritual
speaks love
into Caroline's heart.

Caroline brought this home on Valentine's Day.
I am so glad Ms. Sunshine
wrote down exactly what
Caroline told her
even if she had no idea
what she was talking about.

We all knew
exactly who Caroline

I am so grateful to God
for giving me Caroline.
She is spoiled rotten.
We all love her so much.

Thank you God for Caroline
and for Newga
as a nightly reminder of
how blessed I am
to love and be loved.

Tuesday, March 05, 2013

My own worst enemy

I've been reading the most excellent book
(review coming soon)

It chronicles near-death
experiences of Mormon pioneers
and it has been life altering for me
as I have pondered
the after-life.

What will it be like for
me to meet my maker
and account for mortality?
I really really hope that
the good outweighs the bad.

As I recently talked with a friend
who has anorexia,
we discussed
how we all seem
to just transfer
one bad behavior to the next.

She started struggling with anorexia
when she was overcoming
a spending problem.

I can't seem to be disciplined
enough to stay under budget
while also staying under calorie allotment.

And forget being happy and kind
and under budget and under calorie.
It's going to take me a lifetime
to conquer all of the above
at the same time.

But this morning
while running
I had an epiphany.

It comes from

Mosiah 3:19

19 For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

Like a ton of bricks
it hit me all at once.

My mortal body
is my own worst enemy.
My whole purpose 
on this earth
is to show that my spirit
can be in charge
of my body.

My body is dead
without my spirit.
My spirit (me) is what makes 
me (my body) do or not do anything.

When I struggle with stuff
it's not my spirit,
it's the flesh.
The flesh is naughty.
The spirit is perfect.
They are always at odds
with one another.

"Hey body Alice
quit eating so much."

"Shut up spirit Alice,
you're so goody-goody.
We're gonna
eat drink and be merry til we die."

"Bad idea body Alice,
your spirit
wants to have its glorified form
and it knows a whole lot
more than you do.
I'm smarter.
I'm better
and my whole goal 
is to make you perfect.
I'm in charge
so put that doughnut down.

The flesh is weak,
the spirit is strong.

This may seem so simple
to you all,
but it is an epic
that I aim
to use
from now on
when trying to conquer
my transfer of
bad behaviors.

When my flesh is weak
I plan to tap into
that strong strong strong
and I plan to utilize
the God of all spirits
to help me 
whip that body into shape
more often.

Friday, March 01, 2013

Sharing Time - I want to follow Jesus

Post number 1400 today.
My blog has evolved.
I love its ability to share information
on all levels.

Today I am working on
for Primary.
I get to teach 50
3-8 year olds
all at once
and try to keep their attention.
I can't wait.

I just got done creating this coloring page.
At the end of the lesson,
the kids will get to
express what they've learned
in the way they like best:
coloring with crayons

Before they draw,
I will be playing with them.

We'll sing
Do As I'm Doing
play a matching game
while standing up
and sitting down.

They will learn
about the above 5 portraits
from Christ's life
and how Jesus Christ
set an example for us
and taught us all things that
we should do.

The list is endless
but we will focus on
working, being baptized, teaching, praying, and serving.

I love Jesus Christ
my Savior
and I love
that I belong to a His church
where the focus is
teaching and learning
at all ages.

And most of all
I love that I belong to a church
that knows
the best way for us to learn
for us
to teach.

Drop me a comment
or an e-mail
and I will send
you the
word doc.