Apology

I just got done listening to

Taylor Swift's new song

Back to December.

It is rumored to be

her apology to

Taylor Lautner.

How could anyone

ever be mean to Taylor Lautner?

What a little hottie.

Anyhow,

I am in a reflective mood right now.

And I am pondering

apologies.

I think Taylor's song is brilliant.

I think about the times in my life

when I have hurt other people,

and I wish I could go back

and do it differently.

If I can't go back and do it differently,

I wish that I could

communicate my regret

and sorrow

more masterfully.

I also think about the times

when I have been hurt.

And how I wish everyone

were good

with giving

a sincere apology.

Why is it so hard to say sorry?

I do it all the time.

Seriously.

But, anyhow,

this song

got me thinking even deeper.

Taylor's lyrics

talk about how she can tell

that whoever she is singing to

is not loving with the same intensity

when she sees him the next time.

He is "holding back",

I think that's how she put it.

"That in the back of his mind

he has that night in December

playing on replay."

That is how I feel so often.

I don't want to be hurt.

So, I hold back,

The next time I am

given the opportunity to love.

When listening to this song,

I felt what seemed to be sincere regret

in the lyrics.

But, do people really change?

If I were on the receiving end

of the original hurt

would I be able to make myself trust again?

Trust that they really changed?

What about if the hurt is repeated,

Over and over again?

I like to think that I would trust.

That I would tell you it's o.k.

But what if you aren't trustworthy?

How can I tell that you've really changed?

And how can I make myself

trust someone

who repeatedly hurts me?

I can either stop being hurt,

which seems would require me

to love with less intensity.

Or the other person

could quit hurting me.

But is that even possible?

For a human

to never disappoint?

Isn't that what life is all about?

Learning to love

in spite of human flaws?

Learning to trust

the people who have

the most power to hurt?

I don't know.

All I do know is that

I wanna love with all my heart.

And I don't want to be hurt.

That's it.

And I'm not gonna stop

until I have the answers.

I know THE answer

is

Jesus Christ.

But, I hope I can

invite His power

into my life.

Every time

I want to love.

Especially when I have been hurt.

I have been reading a book

entitled

Boundaries

by

Dr's Henry Could and John Townsend

I was amazed at this quote

and it's relevance

to what I had already written.

Emotional distance is a temporary boundary to give your heart the space it needs to be safe; it is never a permanent way of living. People who have been in abusive relationships need to find a safe place to begin to "thaw out" emotionally. Sometimes in abusive marriages the abused spouse needs to keep emotional distance until the absusive partner begins to face his or her problems and become trustworthy.

You should not continue to set yourself up for hurt and disappointment. If you have been in an abusive relationship, you should wait until it is safe and until real patterns of change have been demonstrated before you go back. Many people are too quick to trust someone in the name of forgiveness and not make sure that the other is producing "fruit in keeping with repentance" (Luke 3:8) To continue to open yourself up emotionally to an abusive or addicted person without seeing true change is foolish. Forgive, but guard your heart until you see sustained change.

Really Important Stuff My Kids Have Taught Me #22

Don't be so afraid of losing your frisbee

that you never throw it.

Daydreaming

When we first moved to Knoxville,

seven years ago,

I would drive by this house often.

It was for sale.

One time during an open house

I went inside and dreamed of buying it,

and filling it with foster children.

There are about 12 spacious rooms

each with its own bathroom.

Filling the house with children

seemed the only alternative

when thinking of the

only other choices

I could figure:

Being occupied by

a small family with two children

or a bed and breakfast.

As I walked through the spacious kitchen,

I imagined a bunch of sets of little hands

pitching in at family meal time.

And as I left,

I pictured the porch swing.

I would have to install one.

But, there would be a swing.

Because that is how my daydream

always ends.

Me and LeGrand

sitting on the swing

watching our posterity

play on the lawn.

I love my husband.

He is the man of my dreams.

Book Review: Behind Every Good Man

Behind Every Good Man by John Bytheway

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Short and sweet book. Really, it will take you all of 20 minutes to read the whole thing.

What did I learn?
Besides the fact that I am not as good of a wife as I thought I was?

#1 And most important (which is really hard for wives to hear) You can't change your husband.

#2 Love your husband. Just the way he is, and you might inspire him to be better.

#3 Be grateful that your husband puts up with you.

#4 Your husband is really a lot better than you give him credit for.

#5 Don't criticize EVER. Unless he asks for it, and even then you have to deliver it in a way that seems complimentary.

#6 Men talk for information, women talk for interaction. Define your roles, needs, and communication styles and then remember them when interacting.

#7 Affirm affirm affirm and let him know you love following his lead. And make a big deal about everything that he does that you like and/or appreciate. Thank him specifically.

#8 Talk about your admiration for each other, especially in front of other people.

#9 Speak each others' love languages.

#10 Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is, treat him as he is the man you want him to become and he will become that man.

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God Ranch

This makes me think of brands on cattle.

Like we each have a signature on our butts.

Like cabbage patch dolls.

I have to say the thought of being branded

makes me want to stick with my own church.

Where we preach being

children of God.

No brand required.

Just DNA.

Really Important Stuff My Kids Have Taught Me #23

Chasing the cat

is more fun

than catching it.

Book Review: Where Men Win Glory

Where Men Win Glory: The Odyssey of Pat Tillman by Jon Krakauer

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I remember hearing about Pat Tillman and his decision to join the army after September 11, 2001. I had no idea at the time that I was just another unassuming American being sold on a war by the US Government and the US media. I am glad that on a whim I picked this book off the new additions shelf a the library.

This book was absolutely fascinating in two ways. The first is obvious: Pat Tillman was a remarkable man. He was patriotic and tough. He was unmaterialistic, almost anti-materialistic, and that is why it wasn't a big deal for him to walk away from his NFL contract and sign up to be a soldier. He was loyal. He stayed with his same girlfriend through high school, college, and the rest of us his cut-short life. One of my favorite parts of Pat's story was how he gave up a 9 million dollar contract with another NFL team way before he went to war. He was loyal to the coaches and team that gave him his first chance at professional football in the 7th draft, and he wasn't even worried that he lost millions. But, I already told you that he wasn't materialistic. What a breathe of fresh air in today's stuff-saturated society.

Pat is a hero to me. He's an unlikely hero for me. He was agnostic and almost self centered. However he was smart and confident. In reading this book he wasn't portrayed as the selfless guy that I imagined him to be, but as a high risk junkie. I am not sure if I liked that. I know that just as this book made me non-trusting of the government and news networks, I am also now untrusting of the story teller. No one man can ever write enough to really let you know a man you never met. I will tell you this, after reading about Pat Tillman's life, I would have loved to be able to sit down with him and discuss ideas. He was a philosophy kind of guy...always testing ideas. This is why he is a hero to me. I like thinkers.

Interestingly, Pat never wanted to be paraded through the streets as the guy who believed in the war, and this is precisely the reason I chose to read his biography in the first place. In fact, Pat was disenchanted with the war. He joined to go and find Bin Laden and kill him, and Pat was pissed when his whole first tour turned into Bush's ulterior motives of defeating Sadam Hussein and Iraq. As a naive American, I never knew that warheads were made up by our government just to use the 9/11 opportunity to defeat a country we felt was a threat. But, Iraq was never a terrorist threat like the Taliban and Al Qaeda members harbored in Afghanistan and Pakistan. Iraq just happened to be a convenient neighbor close enough to Bin Laden to rally Americans to attack. I finished this book, also pissed that I had been dooped into fighting the wrong war and upset that our government wasn't more successful at finding every last terrorist and wiping them into oblivion.

The second facet I loved about this book is that it was a living history lesson. It was a lesson to me about world events that I was never in touch with. I learned all kinds of stuff about the middle east and our foreign affairs with them; things I am ashamed I never took the time to know before. The way that the story was written as a go between of a fascinating soldier and a fact telling story was especially effective at keeping my attention. I would never just pick up a daunting tell all of middle eastern events, but mixed in with the story of Pat Tillman, made it all the more fascinating and relevant, for this ignorant US citizen who tries to keep US politics at bay.

Good read. It is recommended by me for all kinds of people: People who like world history, US Politics, the National Football League, the US Military, war histories, the Middle East, terrorist plots, or just plain old philosophy.

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Flu Season

Perfection.

Sconan or Cott

I originally gave this post the title of

Scott and Conan Cruze Rock.

But, then I realized that maybe

I should have entitled it

Conan and Scott Cruze Rock.

How should I choose who to reference first?

I had a very humbling experience on Saturday.

Just when my husband needed it most,

another man showed up

with or without his phone.

Probably with.

(What is it with men and their gadgets?)

I'll show you my phone,

if you show me yours.

Actually

there were two men that showed up.

And they look identical.

Even though they aren't identical.

But, their hearts are identically huge.

And this woman cried

because she was so completely happy

that her husband

has two of the best friends

known to mankind.

They used to be referred to as

Sconan.

By my in-laws.

But, that was when they were 10.

I guess they thought

that Sconan sounded better than Cott.

I think that these two have

earned to be called

by their own

given names.

I love these men

and their wives

with all my heart.

And I am always amazed

at the wisdom of

my husband.

Even when choosing

lifelong best friends

at a very young age,

he keenly

understood

that

two

are

always

better

than

one.