Monday, July 30, 2012

You're Beautiful

I've been struggling for months.
I couldn't pin-point what was going on.
I thought it was just part of the grief of losing my nephew,
and it partially was, but it started before we lost Braxton.
I was angry.
I just got angrier.
For months I didn't want to pray.
I didn't want to go to church.
I didn't want to read the scriptures.
I just wanted to stew,
and get angrier about all the unfairness of life.

I spent a night at the cabin with a few friends last week,
and we took the time to have a honest share with one another.
I was floored by the experience.
Just a few moments of humble and honest self-reflection
completely turned me around.

I was able to see a part of me that I already identified long ago.
I was able to see the part of me that went straight
to pride and anger
as to protect myself from the hurt or disappointment.

I was angry because I felt like I could never measure up.
I was angry that people around me didn't appreciate me.
I was angry because I didn't want to need God.
I was angry because I was hurt.
I was sad, so I was angry.
My subconscious thinks it's easier to be angry.
But it's not.
Pride is destructive.
Anger is a form of pride.

After two seconds of honest reflection,
I immediately felt God telling me it's o.k.
I am just human doing the best I can.
He wasn't mad at me.
He was glad that I finally figured it out.
I don't need to be angry.
I need to be vulnerable
and let God heal.

I most of all needed to re-understand that
I am not alone.
We all need God.
We all need to be told that we are beautiful.



ShEiLa said...

I am glad you figured it all out. You are beautiful! Love you Alice!!


Jenna said...

Hugs!! I'm overjoyed for you to have such an experience. We need those, at least periodically.

I know I do.

Jenny Lynn said...

Great insight. Glad you were able to have this experience. I have had similar insight at different times in my life.

The whole time we were growing up in C3...I never felt like I fit in. Like I was an outsider, trying to just get by. I admired and put worth on everyone else in mutual, but myself. I saw myself as a nobody in the church. It took some years to change those feelings and to accept that I was a true daughter of God. That was what mattered.

Vivian said...

This is so beautifully written. I am glad to know you are feeling better.

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Jenny Lynn said...

you are so amazing, I gave ya an award over on my blog.