Monday, July 30, 2012

You're Beautiful

I've been struggling for months.
I couldn't pin-point what was going on.
I thought it was just part of the grief of losing my nephew,
and it partially was, but it started before we lost Braxton.
I was angry.
I just got angrier.
For months I didn't want to pray.
I didn't want to go to church.
I didn't want to read the scriptures.
I just wanted to stew,
and get angrier about all the unfairness of life.

I spent a night at the cabin with a few friends last week,
and we took the time to have a honest share with one another.
I was floored by the experience.
Just a few moments of humble and honest self-reflection
completely turned me around.

I was able to see a part of me that I already identified long ago.
I was able to see the part of me that went straight
to pride and anger
as to protect myself from the hurt or disappointment.

I was angry because I felt like I could never measure up.
I was angry that people around me didn't appreciate me.
I was angry because I didn't want to need God.
I was angry because I was hurt.
I was sad, so I was angry.
My subconscious thinks it's easier to be angry.
But it's not.
Pride is destructive.
Anger is a form of pride.

After two seconds of honest reflection,
I immediately felt God telling me it's o.k.
I am just human doing the best I can.
He wasn't mad at me.
He was glad that I finally figured it out.
I don't need to be angry.
I need to be vulnerable
and let God heal.

I most of all needed to re-understand that
I am not alone.
We all need God.
We all need to be told that we are beautiful.

 

6 comments:

ShEiLa said...

I am glad you figured it all out. You are beautiful! Love you Alice!!

ToOdLeS.

Jenna said...

Hugs!! I'm overjoyed for you to have such an experience. We need those, at least periodically.

I know I do.

Jenny Lynn said...

Great insight. Glad you were able to have this experience. I have had similar insight at different times in my life.

The whole time we were growing up in C3...I never felt like I fit in. Like I was an outsider, trying to just get by. I admired and put worth on everyone else in mutual, but myself. I saw myself as a nobody in the church. It took some years to change those feelings and to accept that I was a true daughter of God. That was what mattered.

Vivian said...

This is so beautifully written. I am glad to know you are feeling better.

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Jenny Lynn said...

you are so amazing, I gave ya an award over on my blog.

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