Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Beautiful Heartbreak

I've experienced heartbreak.
More than one.
I remember vividly a day years ago when my friend Lindsey
walked in my front door
to find me completely debilitated,
inconsolable, defeated, and heartbroken.
I was on my couch crying uncontrollobly
while my three small children
were running around neglected.
When I told Lindsey what was going on
she cried too.

Earlier in the day, I had tried to go to the library
to escape the pain,
my toddler was a monster,
surely responding to her mom's emotional state.
A mean old man confronted me
and told me I was a horrible mother.
Of course, that day I was a horrible mother.
It was all I could do not to shoot myself in the head.

He didn't see all the other days.
The good days.
The days before the crippling pain.
But the other mom did.
She was usually by my side for weekly storytime.
She rushed out to my car and prayed for me
while I bawled some more at the wheel of my car.

You may think I am just some dramafied attention mongrel,
but you will never know.
The heartbreak is one I have shared with very few.
But it was awful. It is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

I have worked for years to overcome that pain.
The only thing that finally gave me solace
was turning it over to the Lord.
Over and over again.
I have become
an expert at handing it over.
So much so
that I have become a new person.
A better person.
A stronger person.
A happier person.
A more peaceful person.
And a person who seeks the Lord.

I have experienced a beautiful heartbreak.
More than one actually.
I have experienced a repeated heartbreak
until I gave it to my Lord
so many times that it
became beautiful.
Just because I shared it.
And He turned it into beauty.

So, I loved this song this morning.
Even if Hilary Weeks
stole it from this life-changing blog post.

I hope we can all be Lindsey's
or praying moms,
but really sometimes we may
be moms who neglect our kids
or ornery old men who are mean and critical.
And hopefully other people will just remember
that we might be at the bottom,
or trying to hike our way out of the
beautiful heartbreak.

But even though I don't have a video made about me
or I am not an inspirational speaker
or a famous blogger,
I can testify
with all the honesty of my heart
that God will bring us through
our worst pain.
He may even take us through it on purpose
so that we can have a new and beautiful vista
when we reach the top
where we have learned to
stay right by His side.

P.S. Help DeAnne not to experience the heartbreak of coming so close to first place as HeroMom of the year and not winning. Please go vote now. If you get someone else to vote, besides you, leave me a message and tell me who you got to vote and I will add you into a real special post coming up very soon.


Lindsey Rose said...

This post made me cry! I love you so much, you are an inspiration to me that you can overcome whatever life throws at you. You truly do seek the Lord and you are an amazingly strong person! Thank you for letting me share in your heartbreaks, because I always know I can include you in mine. Sometimes life stinks, but I think you are right on that if we remember that someone else may be experiencing that part of life to we may be that person to reach out. Thank you for being you! i miss you!

amanda said...

Alice, thank you so much for this post. I think you just answered a prayer of mine. One question though. You mentioned turning your heartbreaks over to God, and I was just wondering how to do that. Do you just pray for help in dealing with it or is there more to it? Great post, I soo needed it today. Thanks!

Rita said...

Love you Alice!

Alice Wills Gold said...

Amanda, Everyone has to turn their heartbreaks over in their own way. Prayer is definitely involved if you want to turn them over to God. The first step is being aware you have to turn it over. The second is knowing God is big enough to handle it. The third is letting God handle it. Working the 12 steps has helped me a lot. The church has a manual and working those steps are kind of a step by step manual of applying the atonement to situations. They can be used for everything, not just addiction.