Guest Post - Donna (Birthing Story)

I have decided to implement two new features on the blog.

The first is Just Ask Alice.

You will hear more about this one later.

But, somebody told me that I should write an advice column.

And I am going to start taking questions.

How fun is that?

About as fun as this picture of the beautiful Jada.

The second new implement is the Guest Post.

My friend Donna was kind enough to be my first.

Jada is Donna's beautiful daughter.

Thanks Donna.

You always got my back.

Donna is the first because she is

the most hilarious person I know.

We once talked about starting our own blog together.

We were going to name it

"Raising @#!*% at the Rose Home."

That's because we were

the life of the party at

our Bishop's house

a couple of years ago.

We are so inappropriate.

And funny.

And fun.

We are most definitely

not your typical Mormon wives.

God bless our husbands.

I love reading about people.

I love hearing their stories.

So, Donna was kind enough

to write part of her life story.

I asked her to share a funny one.

I found it very odd that she chose a birthing story.

Because she is the most adamant supporter

of women getting lives.

And not wasting girls night out with

birth stories,

diaper changing horrors,

cleaning tips,

scrapbooking display,

or

shoe collection comparison.

(We all know that she would win anyway)

Donna and I

are kindred spirits.

In conversation,

we go straight for the kill

with topics like

sex,

politics,

and

except-able behavior.

(like so many Knoxvillians lack)

I miss Donna.

She moved to New York.

She has a great blog,

with lots of recipes.

I don't think she could ever recover

when her dog Charlie died.

She had to get out of state.

The Parvo is bad.

We loved Charlie.

I am glad I got some pictures of him.

My only regret with Donna's guest post,

is that you can't hear her tell you the story in person.

I have her voice imprinted in my eardrum.

It's saying things like:

For sure. No doubt. Charlie!!! No not Charlie!!!

Well, here is Donna's story.

It's about when her son Miles was born.

And the picture to go with it.

This picture is so much better to look at

after reading the story.

Donna told me to make sure to tell you

the parts she originally forgot:

Don't forget to add the fact that I had to share a room with a Dominican who had a party everyday till visiting hours were over, AND a bunch of Indians ( like from India) had 5 generations in there room across the hall. Oy!

Miles to go before I push.

I always had nightmares about giving birth in public

since we've moved to NYC.

I was especially nervous because

I didn't know what real contractions

or natural labor felt like since I got induced with Jada.

I've had contractions off and on

but they were those Braxton Hicks,

and to be honest

sometimes I couldn't tell if

it was contractions or gas.....ANYWAY.

Monday at like 5 in the morning

I starting getting cramps,

but they weren't that intense,

but they came every so often

with intese pressure on my bottom.

I called my mom and she was like yep those are for real.

I had 4 within the hour,

but she said it was too early to go to the hospital.

Seth was going to leave for work,

and I told him I would just call him when they got closer.

I head in the shower,

and when I got out

the contractions were 10 mins apart,

then 5.

This happened all within a span of 10 mins.

I tried to get dressed,

and call him on the phone

but I couldn't talk

so I just screamed

when he answered the phone.

The landlord came up and was freaking out.

She kept telling me to breathe,

and helped me get dressed

and offered to take me to the hospital.

Seth races home and Niki

(the landlord)

helps me get downstairs.

I tried so hard not to scream and cry

when I had contractions

because I didn't want to wake everyone up.

It was like 6:45 in the morning.

I couldn't help it

and was screaming down the stairs.

(later Niki told me her daughter

who is getting married soon

doesn't want to have kids now

becuase of my primal screams)

We get to the hospital

and its like a scene out of a movie.

I get a wheelchair and they rush me up to L&D

meanwhile I am hollering due to the contractions

and the workers in the hall are like

"go mama go"

"Breathe mama breathe".

We get up to L&D

and they are asking me all these dumb questions

that they should know already since I pre-registered.

THEN the guy has the nerve to tell me

to go sit and wait in the waiting room.

I'm like hello I can't sit or walk,

and I'm screaming every 3 mins.

So I'm clinging to the wall trying to walk,

in the meantime wondering what the H is going on

and why I'm not in a gown.

My only concern is I need an epidural,

please,

I need something,

because the pain is sooo intense.

I guess my screams got intense for them

so they finally put me in a room.

The nurse kept telling me to breathe and stop screaming,

I'm like easy for you to say.

I went in at 730ish am and I was at a 4.

I kept asking everyone in the room

when I was going to get an epidural .

They were like we have to do your blood work first,

and blah blah blah.

THEN it was the anesthesiologist

was doing a C section

so I'd have to wait.

In the mean time I was thinking

"please God just let me die now."

I asked again,

and the anastesiologist was still tied up with people.

Pain more intense,

screaming more despreate.

You know when you are in so much pain

and you just can't get comfortable?

yeah...

Meanwhile Seth keeps rubbing my leg and back,

and I'm yelling if you touch me again!....

Finally he was like you taught yoga

you know how to breathe,

my response was some choice words after that.

My water broke on its own

and I start screaming

they need to come now I think I have to push.

They come and check me and I'm at a 10

within 45 mins of getting there.

The nurse is like congratulations you are ready to deliver.

My heart races and my face goes dead.

"What about an epidural?"

She tells me I don't need one I just need to push.

I get panicky wondering if I will survive the ordeal.

I'm thinking can you get me something?

A beer?

Something to club myself over the head with?

The Doctor waltzes in a

nd tells me to push where his finger is.

I go and try to grab is hand out of there.

I feel like I have to go to the bathroom,

and they say push.

HOLY MOSES!

I feel the worst pressure ever

and the primal, jungle, call of the wild,

blood curdling roar comes out of me.

My only motivation is a long a

s I get the head out the rest is cake.

3 pushes later Miles slides into home base.

I sigh the biggest sigh of relief and exclaim

that was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life!

While I'm getting stitched up I thank God

that I survived that whole ordeal and that it went quick.

Natural labor is a beast,

but you feel like you can take on the world

after going through that pain.

Seriously it feels like someone shot you

with a gun in the genitals.

Anyway thats my story and I'm stickin to it.




P.S. So sorry Donna, I have come back and blocked commenting from this post.
You will be so proud. I received over 400 comments on this post advertising porn.
I guess there are a lot of sick people out there who would have liked to watch you give birth.