Saturday, August 21, 2010

Guest Post - Donna (Birthing Story)

I have decided to implement two new features on the blog.
The first is Just Ask Alice.
You will hear more about this one later.
But, somebody told me that I should write an advice column.
And I am going to start taking questions.
How fun is that?

About as fun as this picture of the beautiful Jada.



The second new implement is the Guest Post.
My friend Donna was kind enough to be my first.
Jada is Donna's beautiful daughter.
Thanks Donna.
You always got my back.

Donna is the first because she is
the most hilarious person I know.
We once talked about starting our own blog together.
We were going to name it
"Raising @#!*% at the Rose Home."
That's because we were
the life of the party at
our Bishop's house
a couple of years ago.

We are so inappropriate.
And funny.
And fun.
We are most definitely
not your typical Mormon wives.
God bless our husbands.

I love reading about people.
I love hearing their stories.
So, Donna was kind enough
to write part of her life story.
I asked her to share a funny one.

I found it very odd that she chose a birthing story.
Because she is the most adamant supporter
of women getting lives.
And not wasting girls night out with
birth stories,
diaper changing horrors,
cleaning tips,
scrapbooking display,
or
shoe collection comparison.
(We all know that she would win anyway)

Donna and I
are kindred spirits.
In conversation,
we go straight for the kill
with topics like
sex,
politics,
and
except-able behavior.
(like so many Knoxvillians lack)

I miss Donna.
She moved to New York.
She has a great blog,
with lots of recipes.
I don't think she could ever recover
when her dog Charlie died.
She had to get out of state.



The Parvo is bad.
We loved Charlie.
I am glad I got some pictures of him.

My only regret with Donna's guest post,
is that you can't hear her tell you the story in person.
I have her voice imprinted in my eardrum.
It's saying things like:
For sure. No doubt. Charlie!!! No not Charlie!!!


Well, here is Donna's story.
It's about when her son Miles was born.
And the picture to go with it.
This picture is so much better to look at
after reading the story.

Donna told me to make sure to tell you
the parts she originally forgot:
Don't forget to add the fact that I had to share a room with a Dominican who had a party everyday till visiting hours were over, AND a bunch of Indians ( like from India) had 5 generations in there room across the hall. Oy!


Miles to go before I push.
I always had nightmares about giving birth in public
since we've moved to NYC.
I was especially nervous because
I didn't know what real contractions
or natural labor felt like since I got induced with Jada.
I've had contractions off and on
but they were those Braxton Hicks,
and to be honest
sometimes I couldn't tell if
it was contractions or gas.....ANYWAY.

Monday at like 5 in the morning
I starting getting cramps,
but they weren't that intense,
but they came every so often
with intese pressure on my bottom.

I called my mom and she was like yep those are for real.
I had 4 within the hour,
but she said it was too early to go to the hospital.
Seth was going to leave for work,
and I told him I would just call him when they got closer.

I head in the shower,
and when I got out
the contractions were 10 mins apart,
then 5.
This happened all within a span of 10 mins.
I tried to get dressed,
and call him on the phone
but I couldn't talk
so I just screamed
when he answered the phone.

The landlord came up and was freaking out.
She kept telling me to breathe,
and helped me get dressed
and offered to take me to the hospital.

Seth races home and Niki
(the landlord)
helps me get downstairs.
I tried so hard not to scream and cry
when I had contractions
because I didn't want to wake everyone up.
It was like 6:45 in the morning.
I couldn't help it
and was screaming down the stairs.
(later Niki told me her daughter
who is getting married soon
doesn't want to have kids now
becuase of my primal screams)

We get to the hospital
and its like a scene out of a movie.
I get a wheelchair and they rush me up to L&D
meanwhile I am hollering due to the contractions
and the workers in the hall are like
"go mama go"
"Breathe mama breathe".
We get up to L&D
and they are asking me all these dumb questions
that they should know already since I pre-registered.

THEN the guy has the nerve to tell me
to go sit and wait in the waiting room.
I'm like hello I can't sit or walk,
and I'm screaming every 3 mins.
So I'm clinging to the wall trying to walk,
in the meantime wondering what the H is going on
and why I'm not in a gown.

My only concern is I need an epidural,
please,
I need something,
because the pain is sooo intense.
I guess my screams got intense for them
so they finally put me in a room.

The nurse kept telling me to breathe and stop screaming,
I'm like easy for you to say.
I went in at 730ish am and I was at a 4.

I kept asking everyone in the room
when I was going to get an epidural .
They were like we have to do your blood work first,
and blah blah blah.

THEN it was the anesthesiologist
was doing a C section
so I'd have to wait.

In the mean time I was thinking
"please God just let me die now."
I asked again,
and the anastesiologist was still tied up with people.
Pain more intense,
screaming more despreate.
You know when you are in so much pain
and you just can't get comfortable?
yeah...
Meanwhile Seth keeps rubbing my leg and back,
and I'm yelling if you touch me again!....
Finally he was like you taught yoga
you know how to breathe,
my response was some choice words after that.

My water broke on its own
and I start screaming
they need to come now I think I have to push.

They come and check me and I'm at a 10
within 45 mins of getting there.
The nurse is like congratulations you are ready to deliver.
My heart races and my face goes dead.
"What about an epidural?"
She tells me I don't need one I just need to push.

I get panicky wondering if I will survive the ordeal.
I'm thinking can you get me something?
A beer?
Something to club myself over the head with?
The Doctor waltzes in a
nd tells me to push where his finger is.
I go and try to grab is hand out of there.
I feel like I have to go to the bathroom,
and they say push.

HOLY MOSES!
I feel the worst pressure ever
and the primal, jungle, call of the wild,
blood curdling roar comes out of me.
My only motivation is a long a
s I get the head out the rest is cake.
3 pushes later Miles slides into home base.

I sigh the biggest sigh of relief and exclaim
that was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life!

While I'm getting stitched up I thank God
that I survived that whole ordeal and that it went quick.

Natural labor is a beast,
but you feel like you can take on the world
after going through that pain.

Seriously it feels like someone shot you
with a gun in the genitals.
Anyway thats my story and I'm stickin to it.




P.S. So sorry Donna, I have come back and blocked commenting from this post.
You will be so proud. I received over 400 comments on this post advertising porn.
I guess there are a lot of sick people out there who would have liked to watch you give birth.

8 comments:

cally said...

Donna is so funny! I miss her. I can just hear her screaming in the hallway...

I'm excited for the Ask Alice!! I've got questions.

Donna said...

CHARLIE!!!!! I gave you that story, becuase its the only one that I have saved on my computer.
You forgot to mention my handbag collection too. lol! You need to come visit so we can reek havoc on NYC. We would be a diabolical combination. I love it, I love it!

Marla said...

Love it Donna! :) Makes me want to do it all over again.... kinda.

annie said...

Donna! Holy crap that is pretty much the exact same thing that happened to me when I had Lila. What is it with having babies in NYC?
It's true though, you do feel like you can do anything after having a baby with no drugs. However, I totally got drugs with my 3rd :)

Danielle Spangler said...

Alice! I am not sure if you remember me...you were new when we moved out. But, I remember YOU! Glad I found your blog. I am rolling on the floor after Donna's birth story! So good.

amyruthporter said...

I'd a paid money to see that, Donna! Missin me some Donna!

nadelie said...

Um . . . wow. I definitely did not have the primal scream when I gave birth naturally. I guess everyone's natural birth is different . . . but it is good to know that it is done.

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