Thursday, December 10, 2009

Reflection

I recently have felt some bad mojo with myself.

That probably doesn't even make sense.

It has to do with the fact that my husband has been in a cave for over a month.

And that I didn't get that solo in the church choir.

And I wasn't invited to THAT party.

And I have gained 15 pounds since the baby has been born.

And I am sleep deprived.

And my kids have been sick on and off ever since school started.

And tonight to top off all insults, the shelter wouldn't let us take that darn dog home. They have to clear us with our veterinarian. I cannot even imagine the whaling that is gonna happen when our kids can't get that dog named Fiesta tomorrow because we missed Kitty Bears vaccines one year.

Hmm...what else can I come up with?

Oh, we don't have very many friends because our house is in shambles and nobody likes to come over here when we can go to their nice beautiful well decorated homes. But they don't really invite us over. (No this is NOT to make you feel bad...you three friends who know who you are)

Or maybe we don't have any friends because I am overly obnoxious and my husband is about as anti-social as you can get.

My husband has been a business owner and a lawyer for over 18 months and HE HATES IT!

And I hate it that he hates it.

And we have never been so poor.

And we wanted to get that dog because it was a cheaper option than the trampoline.

And Santa can't disappoint three darling little girls who want nothing but a dog for Christmas.

And it's a good thing because they aren't going to get much more than that.

If they even get that. Because the shelter apparently doesn't want to send dogs to good and loving homes.

And now my husband is on the phone and I remembered that he chipped a tooth today.

And I gotta call the dentist tomorrow.

Man, I was just happy yesterday when I realized we had freed up $125 a month because we had finally paid off my dental work.

And I am glad that he is still breathing because he has been breaking out in hives on and off for over three weeks.

He told me he is like Job.

But he probably isn't as righteous.

So I hope his stress will go away soon.

Because the only reason he is still doing this is because we think that is what God wanted.

Surely, He is gonna say, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant" very soon and maybe if we get really lucky He will add "now go and get a real job with a consistent paycheck."

Back to me.

Maybe my problem with my bad mojo is that I haven't been blogging?

I need somewhere to get it all out there.

But I can't blog easily because my desktop died and I am using a laptop that doesn't access my pictures very easily.

Oh, and did I tell you how horrible it is that my laptop is set up on a makeshift table that is blocking me from getting to my tupperware?

Yeah, THAT tupperware...the table is right in front of my dishwasher. And my dishwasher is where I keep my tupperware because my dishwasher hasn't been used in over a year because it is broken.

I am not trying to get sympathy here.

I swear.

I am just getting it out there.

Because once I type it out, it's like it all goes away.

And I forget that my kitchen counters are covered with dirty dishes that I just can't find the will to wash tonight.

But this year, I have truly learned gratitude.

I know it doesn't sound like it, but really,

I am grateful that I have dishes to eat from.

And food to eat.

And a laptop that works.

And that it can hook up to the Internet.

So that I can get it all out of my system.

And who cares about that stupid solo, or that party, or those pounds.

I am a daughter of God.

And He loves me.

And he provides me with my necessities.

Sometimes that's ALL he provides.

But, as they sang on Glee last night.

We can't always get what we want, but we get what we need.

Oh yeah, my brother really got onto me for watching that show.

Because if I was just more righteous.

The other night, at our church Christmas party,

I was discussing with a girl her dream of becoming a chef.

I wondered out loud, what my dream would be that I could maybe pursue someday.

She said, "I bet it will have something to do with your blog."

I bet she is right.

Everybody needs a dream.

It makes you feel happy.

And it makes you focus.

And mine happens to help me get it all out there.

And if you are still reading this.

Maybe my dream has some merit.

Because somehow you relate.

And that is the magic of a good writer.

And she may be a better singer.

And her a better hostess.

And she a better crafty - er person.

And her skinnier.

And her more beautiful.

And heck, there are plenty of girls out there with more hits on their blog.

But, one person is gonna read this and feel better.

And that's all I could ask for.

Dammit.....five misspells.

Maybe I will find another dream.

Can't you just wait for my Christmas card?

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

LeGrand will not appreciate the swear.

Jarrett

Rich said...

I appreciate a good swear every once in a while:). Great post.

Kim said...

Oh crap, I just posted under Rich's profile. It's really me, Kim:).

RedefinedPossibilities said...

You are allowed to WALLOW in your pity-party for 24 hours. And by your comments it should be a fabulous party, can I join you? I have lots of things I would like to add to your list!

Alice - you are OK in my book. You are doing the best you can with what you've got. Yep - some days, weeks, months or years are better than others - but you just wade through them hoping to not get sucked in the mud. And in the end - what matters most? Focus on that and not waste your energies on the "could-have-beens." Really, life is too short. People/family remember YOU, not the fu-fu stuff. Though washing dishes is helpful!

Email me.

JR Morgan said...

Im with you on just about every point! Be well. Love you sister and you hubbie too!

Renee said...

I've had a terrible few months for different reasons than yours.... but it's 5:25 in the morning and I do feel a little better.

Sometimes I wonder if it's just me! It feels good to vent and it feels good to know you're not alone. We should uplift each other and that's what your blog does for me.... OK that sounds weird... I don't mean I feel better because of your struggles, but I feel better because you're a real human being and still trying so hard to do what's right! You're a great example to me and I LOVE your blog.

Thanks Alice.

David said...

Hi Ali. Great post! I have a dishwasher sitting in my screened in porch that you can have. It is older but works, and someone just gave it to me. You can give it to LeGrande for Christmas :).
David D.

Rita said...

Well darn it, as much as I love reading your well written post I am feeling very sad for you right now. You do realize you can call and vent to me anytime you want -- or maybe you can just come to my house, see what a complete mess of chaos it is -- and you will automatically feel better. Because as I'm sure you've noticed -- I pretty much NEVER have my act together -- and I wish I was more like you!

So hang in there and keep doing what you're doing. God will reward you even though He has given you a lot of bumps in the road for now. You are an amazing mother and friend. (and how clever are you for turning your dishwasher into storage space!?!) :)

That shelter better send that dog home with you. I'll say some prayers so the girls can have their dog...every family needs a dog in my opinion!

MiaKatia said...

I've had a super tough last four weeks too, which was made worse in no small part by having family pictures made where I realized those 15 pounds I haven't lost since the baby scare me and anger me much more than I have been willing to admit. So much so that the only people who have seen the pictures are my immediate family. I still cry when I see them...

And I watch Glee too...

Donna said...

You need to come visit us in NYC. We could do some emotional eating around the city.

ShEiLa said...

I can relate to this post. I am overly obnoxious too and my hubby is anti-social. WE don't really have friends (especially as a couple) I feel for you friend. I can't believe the dog drama... at least he/she would have a loving home.

Hang in there the holidays can be fun... but overwhelming sometimes.

ToOdLeS.

ShEiLa said...

ps. I wish I could send you Giggles... but I am so attached.
It sounds as though you could use some Giggles.

The P*dunc's said...

amen. halleluyah, sister.

(typo just for ewe)

mother goose said...

OK!!! I am so telling you we were meant to be couple friends!! SERIOUSLY!! R u sure you want a dog? think of the hair the food, the mess the poop, the constant take me out, i need you to play, the chewing the gnashing and gnarling of the teeth and then think about all the dog needs. LOL

Yeah, i hear ya on the party thing. OH well... shake it off let it go.
The only way we are getting invited is if we do the inviting! what the hell?? my kids are good maybe its because we are a family of 6 and they think they can't house us or entertain us.
why don't i invite peeps over to my house. um... because its not big enough! it fits our family just fine. ok, so that's sorta a lie but it is sorta the truth too.
i stress and can't relax when we have newbies over. I worry about having the house spotless, then we have the dog. with a dog it can never be spotless, lousy dog hair.

then I think, i really don't like too many people and i probably can find something wrong or some reason why i don't like someone and if I like them well... MR. INCREDIBLE doesn't like them so we are left being the perfect couple with no friends. OOPS, something sounds wrong!
I relax better at someone else's home but I have decided to invite more people over. Maybe.... ok, so at least i am entertaining the idea.
I wish we lived closer! lets go camping when we both have some $$ and when the weather gets warmer.

cally said...

I love you Ali.

Come over and we can talk about dogs.

chantal said...

Alice, I can relate all too well. I've been down on myself lately too, for many reasons similar to yours. I would be your friend if I knew you in person, I just know it! :) And I do consider you a friend, even if only in cyber world. I bet my hubby is more anti social than yours...seriously, he hates being around people. Our house is a shambles too and we have almost no friends. We're poor as crap, but I too am so thankful for what we do have and I'm thankful that I have my problems and not someone elses!! Glee is awesome. I love reading your blog. I never get invited to parties or lunches or baby showers etc. I'm always the last choice of piano players because I don't hang with the cool crowd at church. Maybe the are jealous of my canadian roots....ya right.I miss my old ward. I was cool there.
Keep blogging, you're a fantastic writer!! I hope everything works out with the dog!

Shannon said...

Aw Alice. Sending a cyber hug your way. It's good to hear your perspective on things, it definitely gives me stuff to think about. Am I being a friend to others? Do I have friends? Am I too hard on myself? On others/my family? Are the most important things still the most important things? Thanks for emptying your head!

Angel said...

Thanks for keeping it real, Ali. I love you! Hope to see you next weekend.

Jenny said...

I think it is great that you used your blog to vent. Some times you wonder when visiting other bloggers if they are really human. If I could vent right now, it would be about not having a car half the time that works. Walking to and from work in the snow. I hate the cold. But this is where the Lord wants our family.

Your Amazing Alice!

Gina said...

You are amazing, Alice. I love you because you are real. You don't sugar coat. It is what it is and it's not for sympathy or a hand out... it's the truth. I hope this post made you feel better. It helped me lots. I am glad I am not alone. The no friends thing really hit home... you and I are social and our husbands are not. I really hate that.

Please email me your mailing address: admingina@gmail.com

Devri said...

one thing.. love you Alice. I haven't been bloggin really either, and I feel down too.. oh well, life goes on whether were up or down. that is what bloggin is for, lifting each other up when we are down. :D take 2 bowls of ice cream and call me in dah morning! hugs

Dorry Floyd said...

Alice, your honesty is refreshing. I too am going through a handful of the same things you are experiencing. I am the heaviest now that I have ever been not pregnant and inching close to the pregnancy weight. Yet can't muster up the stamina to do anything about it. What I can do is eat another oreo and if you look at me you may think that is all I am doing!!! Anyway love the post.

I wish we were neighbors you would be the best pal to just pop over and vent to; then head home and make my meatloaf.

Dorry

Mother 25 - 8 said...

you have inspired me, once again. and i appreciated the swear!

One Happy Family said...

It is good to get it all out there. No matter how nice one person's house seem, we all stress over budgets, food storage, extra pounds. No matter if in another person's eyes we look great or seem to have it all we have our own insecurities and definitely plenty to work on. I can relate to so many of your concerns. Just know you aren't alone. Maybe I should start emailing you when I need to vent. Can I? Sometimes I think someone should hear me but I'm too much of a coward to publish it for all to read. Let me know. Love ya!

Marla said...

Just now reading this... seems like my life lately. We don't really hang out with anyone. I'm fine with that. But, life has just gotten hard the past couple of months. Hard all around.

Plus, lately I'm afraid that when I speak, I'll start to cry.... I'm amazed that you can be so open with everything. That's refreshing. I can't do that.