Thursday, December 08, 2011

Me and My Shadow

It's one of those mornings.
I don't want to get out of bed.
Lucky for me I've got nothing on my calendar.
I turned on some cartoons
and gave the baby a bottle, a banana, and a creamie
in her bed for breakfast in bed.
(the last was by her request
and I am in an indulgent mood)
[And yes she still has a bottle - sue me]

I then found the laptop
and crawled back under my own covers.

I prayed earnestly last night
with many tears
that God would sustain me in my trials.
I begged him to help me get through
another day with a toddler.
And the other stuff I deal with.
I feel somewhat better this morning,
but I am giving myself permission to take it easy.
Funny, the toddler seems
harder than anything else right now.

I miss having the kinds of friends that
I can just call and say,
"Will you please take Caroline off my hands for a bit?"
I think I am going to kill her.
(not really)
It takes a while to make friends like that
and all of mine are out of state.

I need some breathing room.
I need a break.
But sometimes I have to wait
for the break I need
because there are too many duties at home..

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Did you notice what Carolines' shirt says?
Ship me to grandmas, special delivery.

Too bad grammy is out of state too.

And so I come to the blog
to work out my own misery.
It helps me so much.
I don't know exactly why.
It may be because I find
an old post like this waiting for just the right words.

Or it may be that I think of my friends
who will read what I write
and I think of the one
who just lost another baby
and her husband is about to lose his job.

My other friend has
early onset Alzheimer's
and is experiencing great confusion.
They say she could only have 4-5 year to live.
She's only 38 and has a 6 month old baby
and three other children.

I have a friend who is struggling
with chronic illness
that she can't find a diagnosis for.

I think of the lady
who I can't write about.
And another friend close by
who just lost her father-in-law

There is a girl from high school
whose family hasn't been able to find
her mentally ill adult brother
for months.
There is another church friend in TN
who has a little one pound baby
fighting for his life in the NICU.

I imagine what so many of my friends
are going through
beyond what I know.
I am sure so many suffer in silence.
I have many friends
who don't know what I deal with.

I think about me and my shadows.
My secrets.
My friends.
My friends with secrets.
And then I laugh at the blog title
because it wasn't written weeks ago
 to refer to my mood,
but my sweet little two year old
that I need to appreciate and love.

God grant me the strength
and the selflessness.

And please help me find some time
for the break that I need.

P.S. I do know that in all trials
and all struggles and all the darkness
and the hard and the frustration and the tears
God has given us very many things to be grateful for.
I am going to start a list of mine
to pull me out of this mood.

thank you for
my toddling tornado
who is so dang cute and energetic.
Modern medicine & doctors to help my suffering friends.
An eternal plan of happiness for families
that gives us the knowledge that
someday all suffering will cease
and all families can be together forever.
Thank you for my bed
so I can sulk.
The heat that comes
from the utility company
with an up to date paid balance.
And my laptop that allows me to
write until my mood is changed.
Thank you for the TV
and the milk in the bottle.
Thank you for
my husband's job
and for all the years we suffered
without income
so I know that my friends
who lose jobs will also be provided for.

Thank you for a Savior
who suffered all things
so none of us have to suffer,
if we just call on his name.

See how that works?
I feel better already.


ShEiLa said...

blog therapy... I need to participate more in this program... seems to work wonders.

Love you.


cally said...

I totally hear ya. I start whining to myself and thinking of all the reasons I have to be miserable, and slowly realized i don't really have any. that are valid anyways. Gratitude and embarrassment trickle in and my selfish bad mood is mercifully turned into energy spent on the people I love, who really DO have reasons.

I miss you.
I love you.
I'm coming over to watch your kids.

Anonymous said...

Just send that little girl right on out. She would do ok in the temple, wouldn't she:) (Grammy)