Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Halloween - The Day After

I went to bed sick.
Not sick, like the flu.
Sick like honey don't move the bed
or I am going to hurl all over your face.
I've done it every year
since I can remember.
You would think I would have 
learned my lesson
as a youngster.
But, I guess I never did.

So now I am on the other side of the 
"only three pieces"
and I really should know better.
Way better.
And I guess somewhere deep down there I do.
But, apparently
my greedy little fingers don't.

Add this to the fact
that my stomach
isn't as tolerable as it used to be
and my bowels
bellowed through the night.
"Please don't do this to us,"
they screamed.
"We know you know better!"

I get out of bed
and resolve to eat nothing
but dairy and fiber
for at least 24 hours
if not 2,004 whole minutes.
I sit at the kitchen table
and notice that the kids must have
eaten 12 more pieces for breakfast
and stashed 20 each in their backpacks.
They made a sizable dent.
I long for the days of larger families.
I only have 4 kids
and I need at least 7
like my mom used to have
to get rid of this candy.
How can we possibly have more candy
than all 6 of my brothers and sister and I?

I chuckle to myself
because my kids really don't care
that I make them put all their candy in one pot,
Just like my mother used to do to me.
They protested, just like I did.
"No mom let us keep our candy in our dresser drawers."
They didn't fight back too strong
because secretly somewhere inside
they have the same screaming voice
like I do.
"Save us. Please!"
They ignore the voice
and they don't protest about the shared bucket
because it's bigger than they can remember
and they know they are still going to get
plenty of candy.
Too much candy.
I had to switch from my original choice to
a tupperware super-size bin to hold the mounds of candy.
You know, like a trough size.

I reach over and take an Almond Joy
because if I don't start eating them now
they will never go away.
Nobody in my family eats Almond Joy,
nobody but me.
I think I should retrieve all the Lemonheads
for Sophia because they are her favorites
until I realize that Lemonheads are to Sophia
like the dark chocolate is to daddy.
They are her responsibility
in saving the family from prolonged misery.

Then I grab a glass of milk,
as quick as I can
and I try to think of somewhere safe to hide the candy
but I might as well eat the Reese's on top
because it goes so well with a glass of milk.
The baby comes over and starts handing me
suckers of every kind.
Apparently she wants to help us all
out of our misery too.
Tootsie Pop, Blow Pop, Dum-Dum.
It's going really well
until she asks me to open the
eyeball sucker
and when we finally pry it open
it is broken in two.
She thinks I did it on purpose
and she is so sugared
that she throws a monster size fit.
She can only get away with that
the day after Halloween.
O.k. maybe the week after Halloween.
The week before I get to my wit's end
and chuck the rest of the candy into the garbage
a sneaky handful at a time.
Man, I should just stash it away
and save it for Valentines.
Oh, I can't even think about Valentines right now.
It's physically painful.

Meanwhile, I start at the 10 boxes of Candy sticks
(you know they come in little boxes of two
and resemble the old school candy cigarettes)
that Caroline had handed to me
before the suckers.
She wanted me to open them for her
and I didn't
because I didn't want to share.
They are my favorite.

Oh someone,
please come and rob us of our
Halloween candy.
Send it all to the kids
throughout the world
that really need it.
That way I'll have a viable explanation
for my four children
who are guaranteed
to be sick, ornery, and inconsolable the rest of the week.
I won't even go into what their bowels have to say to me.
Yes, I'm the child bowel whisperer.
The bowels tell me it's a little too personal
to tell you the nitty gritties,
but I will share the part of the secret
that says upset bowels sound like bellowing cows.
Milk me. Milk me. Milk me now.
Maybe I should tell the kids that their colons
made me throw it away.
"I'm so sorry girls
but they held me hostage until I did something drastic."

This is the first Halloween that my husband 
has celebrated as a diabetic. 
Well, the first year he's been diagnosed
He was probably diabetic
every year on Halloween since he can remember.
Now I have to eat his candy too.
The woes of being a mother.
You always have to pick up any slack
for non-cooperating members of the family.
Where is that neighbor who used to give us apples?
We need about 100 of him
then I could just can it all away
for the dead of winter.

Do you know that tomorrow is my birthday?
I think it is rather cruel of God
to give me a birthday during the week of the year
when everyone is just rolling about
trying to break down the heap.
One sickening bite at a time.
Oh, cookie monster,
I can't even think about you and your struggles right now
or I will start crying uncontrollably
and won't be able to stop
until I discover that Elmo
is an in the closest candy addict.

Save me. Please. Save me.

I am about to butterfinger it for lunch
and who knows where I'll be by dinner.
But no matter how far I go
or how sick I get
that blasted candy is going to be
staring at me, taunting me, calling me chicken
the rest of the month.

P.S. If you are anonymous comenter #2
from the October giveaway
on the LunchWars Post,
please make yourself known.
Maybe you can learn
from the nutrition nazi
the things that I am too dumb to incorporate.

P.P.S. I just found out that I not only got a free book
for doing that book review,
but I got paid $20.
If the book wasn't enough to steer
me away from the candy
maybe the money
can pay for an intervention.
Posted by Picasa

10 comments:

Heather said...

Brilliant and funny. Why do we do this to ourselves?!

ShEiLa said...

It helps NOT having children... or any trick-or-treat kiddos at my door. I have NO Halloween candy in my house... and I have not had one piece of chocolate. I know... Alice you are probably thinking I am really sick.

ToOdLeS.

Cameron said...

as soon it's gone, you'll wish it were back!

Renee said...

I love Almond Joy too.

Newell Wright said...

I have been sugar and wheat free for eight months now, so Halloween was no problem for me. Even the big bowl of leftover candy bars that we did not give out, that is still sitting on the counter, and that will probably be thrown away, remains untouched.

Throw them away, Alice. You can do it. Spray them with Raid, if that will help, although at least one woman I know swears that Raid doesn't taste too bad, after it has marinated on the candy for a while. :-)

Anonymous said...

I ate birthday cake for dinner last night, and then I turned around and ate it for breaksfast this morning. The Lunch Wars author would so disapprove. ha. I am going to eat it for breakfast tomorrow morning too. Then the rest of it is going in the trash. As a mother of three small children, I need to binge on chocolate cake every now and then. It is a naughty indulgence. There is a cooking blog where the author bakes candybars right into her cookies...and oreos too! If I sent you that website, your stomach would probably really hate me.

Holly said...

The pediatric dentist in our town pays $1 to the kids for each pound of candy they bring in to the office. Sounds like you could make SERIOUS bank. (After you hid all of the almond joys, of course.:-)

I am SO done with sugar. After 24 hours of consuming it, I can't even look the candy bucket in the eye anymore. But, it sure was yummy. . .

Rita said...

The worst part about Halloween candy for me is I eat it even when I don't want it - simply because it's sitting in front of me. I eat a mini candy bar or two for breakfast and tell myself it's no different than a donut. I sneak out my favorites while the kids are at school. Ugh! Looks like you better send help for me too...

Kristen said...

Haha! I call that "eating myself stupid"! We combine all the candy in our house too (great minds think alike)! I put it away and just bring it out every once in awhile--like Friday Movie Night.

Tonight is Cars2 if you want to come join. The coast is clear because my two boys will be at a campout :D

Munir said...

Awesome and look like something funny