Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Remind me

Why do I blog?

I am over it today.
I haven't been in a writing mood.
It's quite possible I go through this very mood
every last week of summer.
The kids are going to be back in school very soon
and maybe I will have more of a regular schedule
and maybe I will get a real nap time
to sit at the computer without being interrupted.

Or maybe I will find the job that I need to get.
Either way, my blogging future isn't looking so hot.
And I am sad.



I don't want to give it up.
I love this outlet.
I love when people enjoy something that I wrote
or brought to their attention.
I love recording my kids' lives through words and pictures.
I love embarrassing my husband.
I love chuckling at myself when I write something crazy.
I love reading comments that tell me how stupid I am.
I love making a resolve to change after reading the aforementioned comments.
I love the thrill of when I write something like this
thinking about whether or not I should really post it
and I know I will because it's my mommy type of bungee jumping.

But today all I can think about is
how I really want to get up at 6 am and actually exercise,
but I rarely do.
I want to write a book.
I want to go back to school.
I want to find that perfect job.
But I really don't want to put Caroline in daycare.
I've never left my kids to the care of another all day every day.
I have been home with each of them from the moment they were born.
I am bitter because I have to find a job to help pay for my husband's schooling.
He's a lawyer and I have to go and get a menial job to pay back his student loans.
It just seems wrong.
And I am bitter.
I want to spend my days hanging with Caroline and blogging.

LG has a great job.
Don't take this as me not being grateful for what he does
because I am.
I just hate stupid law school.
It was the worst thing we ever did.
And yes, it was a joint effort.
You don't move across the country with 3 kids under 4
to ever hear your husband even dare to say he did it by himself.

I find when I don't want to write anything fancy,
it's my best idea to just vent.
So there you have it.

I am in a bad mood today.
I think I am tired.
And I just need to go to bed early.

And I need to count my blessings.
And open my mind to new possibilities.
And reassure myself that me and this blog are a package deal.
Forever and ever.
I don't need to be reminded that I must write.
It's who I am.
It's as much of me as the hair on my head.
Maybe on Thursday,
I'll have something
wittier, or funnier, or even more entertaining to say.

Until then,
will you just remind me
why I do what I do?
I think you have a lot to do with it.
I need your love.
And I need you to remind me
to put on my big girl panties
and get over it.

11 comments:

Valerie Walker said...

oh Alice! I love you! We all have bad days it is ok!! You have to keep bloging because even though you are not next door anymore I love that you are only a click away!!!! I have been in a funk for about 2 weeks! we both beed to get our big girl panties on and move forward! bahahaha

Angel said...

I love you, Ali, and would miss reading your blog if you quit writing. I would never know what's going on with you guys! Hang in there ... better days are ahead!

JEBoogie said...

Pls describe big girl panties.

Holly said...

You write, not because you want to be rich and famous, but because one day your children, and your children's children, will read all the precious words you wrote and laugh and cry and realize that you were real--full of love and life and frustrations and joys. And they will love you for every word you wrote--it will bring them immense joy. You are leaving a legacy. And that is better than any 2 cents you may make on an add in the corner of any blog post any day.

ShEiLa said...

You remind me that there are REAL people left in the world. Ones that aren't afraid to say 'how it is' and not 'how they want it to be'.

I know I go through bouts of non-blogging... I just can't think of one thing to write about. I think that is totally ok.

Hang in there! I have wondered if people ever make money with their blogs (and if you don't get rich doing it -nobody can).

I enjoy your blog because I really like you and you always have something interesting to say.

Hugs.

ToOdLeS.

Rita said...

Why should you keep blogging? Are you ready for my longest comment ever??

First of all - you are not in TN anymore and I miss you terribly. Even though I am not as loyal as I used to be about reading your blog all the time, I do stop by and catch up when I can and I feel like I know what is going on in your world (that is now much too far away from me!).

Secondly, I know firsthand how much of a bummer it is to give up on things that you love. Sure you may not feel like blogging all the time -- we all need a break from things. But in the past two years I have given up on many, many things I love and it's hard to get back to it -- even if you want to.

Blogging records so many things for your family -- don't quit! My kids often ask me why I don't scrapbook anymore -- they want our stories recorded. Whether it's the big stuff or the tiny, silly everyday stuff. They want it written down to help them remember and sometimes it kills me that I'm not doing that anymore. Don't stop writing ~ it will only make you sorry you did later.

Finally, I see I am listed as one of your favorite people because of my commenting ~ how in the world will I keep my status on your list of favorite people if you quit blogging??? :)

(did I just make this all about me???) :)

Love you Alice. Love your blog. Hope today is a much better day!

Rowena said...

I totally feel for you on the student loans. We're still paying off Randy's loans for a degree that he has never used and that has never been beneficial to us in any way. It has left me very cynical about college degrees.

Saxon said...

I would miss your posts if you stop. Your a great writer (much better then me)

chris said...

Pull those big girl pants up high and keep going. Do what your heart tells you to do.

Alice Wills Gold said...

Thanks you guys. I knew some of you would come to my emotionally needy rescue.

It's sooo hard being away from all of my best girlfriends whom I used to vent with over lunch.


You all made my day. I will return the favor someday when you are having a bad day.

JEBoogie here is a funny story and picture of some big girl panties.

http://writechic.wordpress.com/2008/01/06/big-panties-extinguish-fire/

Diana W. Windley said...

I know you love staying at home with your girls Alice. Believe me, there are days that I wish I was a stay-at-home mom. But I'm not, so I just make the best of the situation and take pride in doing a job well done both at home and the office.
Plus, I want to show my daughters that they can do anything they want to do. They can balance a family and a career it that's what they want/need to do.
I'm not putting down stay-at-home moms, but I just don't understand why so many SAHM act like the world will end if they get a job outside the home.
Alice, if you work you're not a bad mother. You're not less faithful Mormon. You're not a slacker wife. You don't have your priorities out-of-whack. You're not being selfish.

What you ARE doing is trying to do is fulfill your financial obligations and provide a better way of life for your family.

Good luck and hang in there!