Guest Post - Chad (Facebook Etiquette)

I like making new friends.

In real life and on facebook.

A while back, something I had posted

caught the eye of a real-life friend's friend.

Her name was Daisy.

She will have to be a guest post another day.

She is buried in her book publisher's demands right now.

Daisy and I got into it, back and forth about an issue I call

"underachieving students in our public schools".

After Daisy proclaimed her loyalty and love

for kids who struggle in school,

and declared her position to single handedly

make a difference for all those she could reach,

I referred her to my post about my mom.

Years ago, my mom taught me about

that same kind of love

when she bought some pizza for some gang members.

So, Daisy and I became forever after facebook friends. I call it FAFF.

Well, one day, whilst reading a post from Daisy on facebook

about making jam with some Mormon missionaries

(who she feeds and invites into her home regularly,

even though she is not a Mormon)

I got a good laugh at a comment.

The conversation had turned from the 30 jars of jam

to what it would take to eat it all.

Chad Deal wrote something like this:

"All the bread you are going to have to eat with that jam

will be enough to give a sperm whale a yeast infection."

And, with the click of the mouse,

I found myself laughing uncontrollably,

The next thing I know, Chad is my newest facebook friend.

I am pleased to offer him up

as my latest and greatest guest post.

Here is Chad's bio.

He wrote it himself.

I am so excited that I have a band director on my list of friends.

Abigail was just issued a french horn,

and I know absolutely nothing about it.

Chad Deal is a Music Educator in Georgia. He has directed High School Bands in Las Vegas, Atlanta, and Statesboro, GA. He is married to a wonderful woman (a saint, some say) and is the father of two little boys. He currently exists without his own web address, but only because www.supercrazyawesome.com is taken. His Facebook fan page was taken down after it made Brad Pitt look bad. Don't tell me there wasn't a conspiracy at work. If you would like to contact him, please find something more rewarding to do (he really is quite boring and full of himself), but if you must, please email chadadeal@me.com

Chad's contribution is called

Facebook Funny

I asked him to inform of us

his take on facebook no-no's.

It does not disappoint,

but does have a few

PG-13 references.

But this Mormon blogger

can put up with them

in honor of

making new friends

and celebrating differences.

I am often asked to be funny. Actually, I am nearly always required to be funny. My life as a dad, hubby, and teacher insists that I be funny in order to make the mundane tolerable. Another outlet for my humor is Facebook. This social phenomenon has given me a huge audience (which is good because my wife has grown weary of hearing my jokes over and over on the phone and Facebook allows me to be silently funny). The compensation scale won’t pay the light bill (electric/power bill if you live outside of the South) but it does make me feel great when something I write elicits a favorable reply, “Like” or even a “nice one, Chad”.

It was just such a comment that lead me to this blog posting. I am not a blogger. I enjoy blogs, and have considered writing one, but I am always distracted by things like playing in the backyard, playing in the living room, and once the kids are asleep, doing some playing in the bedroom. So my blogging is limited to Facebook status updates and replies to the updates of others. I enjoy seeking out seemingly normal, mundane updates and finding the humor (or creating it), but I must say that sifting through the endless blathering of some of my friends has lead me to create a system for pruning my friends list.

I will approve nearly every friend request I receive through Facebook. Notable exceptions are 1) current students and their parents, 2) obvious spammers (unless they are super hot models) and 3) anyone from France. Once approved, everyone gets an audition. I keep an eye on their status updates and if I like what I see, they get to keep their coveted spot in my friends list. However, should they fall into one (or more) of the following categories, they are quickly removed, which can decimate someone’s cool point cache.

Category 1- The ‘Villes:

If you are a hardcore participant in any game that ends in ‘ville (Farm, Fish, Drug Cartel, etc.) I think that is fine, but if 90% of your updates are related to that, or other games, you may need an intervention… or a sign that points outside. Don’t get me wrong, I understand addiction… I have an iPhone, but for goodness sake, stop taking pictures of your computer screen and posting it for all of your friends to ignore. Tell me something interesting, like what you had for lunch, or how long your last (or first) orgasm lasted. Pique my interest with something real, something tangible. Otherwise, you will be banished from Chad-Ville.

Category 2- Pundits:

The only thing more annoying than the ville’s is politics. I don’t care if you are a Democrat, a Republican, or an Idiot… I mean, Independent (sorry, Freudian slip). If you think that a single political party has all the answers then you are in for more disappointment than my first Prom date. I understand having a strong opinion about certain issues, we all do, at least, I hope we all do. But please, refrain from trying to assert your superiority within your friend circle by regurgitating the flame-filled ramblings from our current “news” channels. I could write a book about everything I hate about politics and news, but I digress. Save the Soap-boxery for something that really matters, like guaranteeing that reruns of Friends are shown in the order they were meant to be shown and with all of the lead in and lead out jokes intact. Where is my PAC for THAT???

Category 3- Sickies:

Being in pain is terrible. I feel bad for you, I really do. Having spent a period of my life in chronic pain (4 years living in Alabama), I totally get the need to seek compassion, but do we need to hear EVERY single complaint? “I have a headache” “Tummy is upset today...FML”.

FML (F**K My Life)??? REALLY??? For an upset tummy??? Please get some perspective. You can find it at Wal*Mart. Spend 15 minutes watching the endless train of poor decisions coupled to a substandard education and a caboose of Zero fashion sense and you will understand the true meaning of FML. Your aches and pains cannot possibly compare to the despair of these people (which would be 100 times worse if they actually knew what despair was). Save the complaining for your bartender. At least he is getting paid while he listens. Maybe I should start a game called Bar-Ville.

Category 4- Haters:

“I hate my job”, “I hate my Ex”,”I hate my neighbors”. Complaining is natural. We all hate something, and misery loves company. But I simply cannot commiserate with ALL of the hate that comes up in my news feed. Times are tough, and many people are stuck in a job that is unfulfilling, but one thing that I have learned in all my years of punching the time clock is this: Complaining only makes it worse. It forces you to focus exclusively on the most negative aspects of your job. Instead, find the best thing (even if it is quitting time) and keep that in your sights. You’ll be surprised how many more positive things there are when you look past the negatives. Same thing with an Ex-husband or Wife. Something drew you to that person originally. Instead of spending all of your energy hating the person they are, try to remember what you loved about them to start with (even if it was only the great sex. Reliving that in your mind once or twice might temper some of the hatred and allow you to move on). Hate the neighbors? Join the club. Kill ‘em with kindness… or poison, but stop the hate.

So, what next? Well, anyone that falls into one or (god forbid), more of the above categories is placed on a watch list. If the annoying behavior dominates the Wall, and subsequently, my news feed, then I block or delete. I need quality soil to grow the seeds of my humor. I get no inspiration from the ‘ville’s, pundits, sickies, or haters. I need quality material like mundane updates with poor grammar and/or misspellings. I adore people that mix up their attempts at descriptive language and my heart leaps every time someone misses obvious sarcasm. What can you do to make my experience better? Here are some tips:

• Accidentally slip up and reveal juicy details about your private life

• Take lots of pictures when you are out in public (preferably of people you don’t know) and post them.

• Occasionally post something on your Wall that was supposed to be a private message.

As I am not the only Facebook user out there, please feel free to comment with the thing(s) that drive you the most crazy about the Facebook experience. My next Guest Post (if I am invited back) will be about Twitter and why I think we find celebrities so fascinating (PREVIEW--WE DON’T).

Thanks for reading. Stay subscribed and try the veal.

My two cents - Category 5 - The Runners. These people love to post about how busy they are, so they somehow feel important because their declarations so obviously rat themselves out. They feel so insignificant. They also like to talk about how much THEY RUN. 5 miles, 6 miles, 18.5 pairs of shoes, 192 roadkill. Can't go to sleep until I finish up my sprints on my treadmill.

What annoying facebook categories can you guys come up with?

If you aren't on facebook, do you have categories for your blogging friends?