A Whole Month

I've been on my new journey for a whole month and it's been somewhat like detox. I don't feel the need to check my e-mail anymore as there won't be anything there for me of social importance. I'm surprised because I am kind of enjoying the solitude. I have had a lot of time on my hands to get in touch with myself.

I'm an attentionmonger. It's been kind of fun to attack this weakness. Liberating to not need people as much.

It also can be lonely. I have become more aware of how extroverted I am. I need more social in my life, but unlike my past I need the social to have meaning. I am trying to focus on quality instead of quantity. I want to start a bookclub. I feel like my bookclub ladies in Knoxville were some of my closest relationships that made a difference in my life.

I've been reading a lot. In the past two days,  I have enjoyed two books: Lucky by Alice Sebold (LOVE HER) and Heaven is Here by Stephanie Nielson. Both have given me perspective for me. I am blessed. I also need to be happy with a very small sphere of influence even if it's just my own little family.

The one thing I have been feeling a lot in the past month is that there is something out there for me. There is some way that I will make my stamp on the world, I just don't know what it is. I feel like I need to figure it out. It's been a little frustrating.

Am I supposed to adopt more kids? Have more kids? Write an inspirational book? Just keep living my quiet little life and enjoying my family? Then I go back to my self peptalk of "Alice, you can't live your life for other people to notice. You just have to live your life FOR other people."

I think the thing I notice the most about people who truly influence others is that they are comfortable in their own skin. My skin? It doesn't fit quite right. I am working on it.

I have that much.

Faith is important to me.

I've discussed it before

here, here, here, and here.

Faith has carried me through a lot of stuff.

One of those above links

was when my husband failed the bar exam.

That was tough.

Here is how faith

influenced me

as a small child.

The story is also

a fun reminiscence

of my crazy dad

and how he jimmy-rigged

and stole (I mean borrowed)

a truck to get our

station wagon out of the mud.

So my latest trial of faith may be the hardest trial I've ever faced. It's not something I can really blog about because to reveal it would not be fair to others, but it's tough. Trust me, it's really tough, so tough I can't talk about it on my blog. ( And you all know I talk about everything from moobs, my body, crying myself to sleep, and even the horrible botched farce on breastfeeding.) So it's tough and it reminds me that everyone is fighting their own hard battle, whether or not they share it.

Anyhow, I was praying about this trial last week. It was one of those big prayers in my life that I will always remember. For me it was huge on two levels. It was huge because I decided to do it after a long prideful prayer hiatus. {shame on me} And it was huge because I poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father as though he really was my Father listening and that He cared and that He would help me. I bawled like a baby and questioned, "Why?" Even if we aren't supposed to ask "why", I did. (This is one of my favorite addresses on trusting in the Lord and talks about not asking why) I needed to know WHY does this have to be my life when I have tried so very hard for the last 20 years to do everything right for God.

The answer came (like it always does eventually) two-fold. The answer was first a thought in my mind. "I have this trial so I will pray." This trial is so hard that it always brings me to my knees out of desperation and God allows this in my life because He knows I will be happier with Him in my life.

The second answer came from the words out of my own mouth.

"Father, you've said in your scriptures that if we have the faith of a mustard seed, we can move mountains. Well, I sometimes struggle with my faith, but I know I have that much. I have at least as much as a mustard seed."

I saw in my mind, my Father in Heaven, the most omnipotent being ever. All knowing, all powerful, and all loving, he let go of his embrace from this wailing child, he nodded at me and said, "Yes, you do. Well done. Now hold on Alice, we're gonna move this mountain on my time."

Faith is my greatest treasure. I hope I always keep at least a mustard seed worth.

Thanks to the book Cold Sassy Tree for another take on faith and answered prayers.
{SPOILER ALERT}



I'll publish my book review on Cold Sassy Tree next week.
It's a new all time favorite.


Here is some spiritual enlightenment on how to use the supernal gift of prayer. Really really good stuff.

My opinions

I never keep my opinions to myself.
Those of you who know me,
know that I always speak the truth.
So when I say NEVER I mean never.
And by truth, I mean
things the way that I see them.

One of my goals this year is to NOT
make any comments at church
for a whole year.
You have no idea how hard
this is going to be for me.

Maybe if I don't raise my hand
or blurt out anything funny
my husband will channel
his polar opposite and get
up one fast Sunday and
bear his testimony
to the world.

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

There are good sides to being the way that I am.
Some people really like me for my openness.
There are bad sides too.
Some people are big-time haters.

I am a very black and white person.
It is something I am trying to work on:
taking myself into the grey zone
from time to time.
How weird does that sound?
Who wants to be stuck in the Twilight Zone?

I don't want to be the kind of person
who instantly likes another
or hates them.
I want to be how I would hope
others would be for me,
like my good,
ignore my bad.

A while back in church we discussed

If you judge people, 
you have no time to love them. 
              ~Mother Teresa

Man, I suck at this.

However,
because this is my blog,
I can use it to throw opinions out,
Guilt-free.

So even though you all know I am trying to
not judge people,
and give them the benefit of the doubt,
here are some of my black and whites
that I am trying to turn grey.

I am not into essential oils,
even though every other mom in Utah is.
I will use some if you give them to me for free,
otherwise I will stick to the stuff
I can buy at the pharmacy in Wal-Mart.

I am not into whole foods, even though I did just make cookies with coconut oil and they were good.

I think Girl Scout cookies are evil.
I gained 5 pounds in one week one time
because I ate 3 boxes in a day.
I don't let my girls be Girl Scouts.
I say it's because I don't need one more thing in my life,
but really it's because I still hold a grudge towards those cookies.

I feel sorry for people with bratty kids, and even though I try and tell myself that my kids are brats sometimes and maybe their kids have a special condition, I mostly am stuck in blaming other people for their crappy parenting. (Mental illness is the exception here. I do know a lot of kids that do in fact have conditions.) I am talking about the kids whose only condition is crappy parents. For some reason I can love the kids easier than their parents. I guess because I recognize that the parents are doing the best they can and I shouldn't take it out on the kid.

I hate how rude people have become when in public movie theaters. Turn off your phone already. Don't bring your baby to an action film (or any film) unless you are prepared to take them out at the first sign of fuss. Stop talking. Watch the dang show and remember the people around you paid almost $10 to do the same.

I gravitate towards people who have an exceptional sense of humor (as long as it is a lot like mine) and/or love to have a good time. I also gravitate towards people who are exceptionally smart. I guess opposites do attract sometimes. Wait, does that mean I'm not really funny? Yes, I am admitting I am not smart. I have a goal this year to tell myself I am smart every day until I believe it.

I am so annoyed with people who think they are more important than other people, especially when they are humored by the whole community around them. Your kids are not that cute and they don't deserve special privileges. That is all I am going to say about that because someone reading this may figure out who I am talking about.

I have major issues with dads who father kids but then don't provide for them. Major. Issues. I have issues with mothers who allow this to happen and don't walk away and/or advocate for their kids or in the very least get a job. Once again I don't have a hard time with the kids, they've never been taught any different. Why can I not see the grown parents as the kids that were never taught any different?

I also have issues with the hypocrites that get up in front of crowds and talk about how much they love their families, but really avoid spending time with them as often as they possibly can.

I really don't want visiting teachers. I understand this makes me a hard person to love. I don't like feeling like an assignment. Be my friend or don't but don't come and check on me because someone told you to.

Here is a doozie for you. If in the next life man is going to be totally pure of thought, but can also have a more than one wife, does that mean he will be able to have sex with them at the same time? I truly do lose sleep wondering about things like this.

I secretly hate people who won't admit their weakness. I really do. Don't live your life in such a way that your goal is to make everyone else around you think they have to live up to your standard. bahahaha That sounds pathetic. It is what it is.

I am openly jealous of homeless people: not only do they not have to pay taxes, they have freedom to roam wherever they want to go and do or not do whatever. After many pep talks from my husband, I have come to understand how totally irrational and ridiculous this is.

I hate brussel sprouts. (I just looked up brussel in the dictionary) I can't imagine any scenario where they would actually taste good. O.k. maybe I wouldn't hate them if they were all I could find to eat after three days of starvation, but I wouldn't think they taste good. Ever.

I am going to hell for saying everything I just said. I should delete this whole post. I should have said prayers and studied my scriptures before opening my blog this morning. I don't really know if I want to let you all in on my deep dark secrets. This post is going to have haters and lovers. Can't wait for the lovers. Trying to ignore the haters already.

Hitting publish. now.

When Tragedy Strikes

I feel. I feel deep. It is part of who I am. I have no way around it. I am a sensitive person. I am pretty sure I get it from my mom. I cry at the drop of a hat. I really should be an actress. So, when tragedy strikes, it kind of knocks me out for a bit. It really knocks me out. I have to give myself cognitive therapy so that I don't succumb to the warmth of the sheets in my bed. I have to distract myself. I even lie to myself if necessary. Most of all I have to get some answers.

I think because I feel, I have chosen God consistently throughout my life. I need somewhere to go when nothing makes sense and let's face it, there is a lot that doesn't make sense.

Like other people though, I usually vacillate in my own incompetence for a bit before I turn to God. I am trying to change that, but I guess I can take comfort in the fact that at least I get to God at some point. A lot of people don't have the same luxury.

So after the CT shooting last Friday, these were my reactions, put out there for everyone and their dog to see. Oh the evil of social media. It really shows one's true colors.

This should not still be happening. Give me your best solutions for the safety of our children. Serious. I am writing Congress. I am so heartbroken.

I refuse to read more than one news report about the shooting. 
I suggest you all do the same.

Use your energy to make the world a better place.

We have the highest obligation to protect the children. The American citizens demand that every school has two armed trained military personnel on guard every day. Repost if you agree.

Pondering again on the words of Mormon leader Dallin H Oaks spoken to the world that would listen just two months ago:

Although I do not speak in terms of politics or public policy, like other Church leaders, I cannot speak for the welfare of children without implications for the choices being made by citizens, public officials, and workers in private organizations. We are all under the Savior’s 

command to love and care for each other and especially for the weak and defenseless.

Children are highly vulnerable. They have little or no power to protect or provide for themselves and little influence on so much that is vital to their well-being. Children need others to speak for them, and they need decision makers who put their well-being ahead of selfish adult interests.

I know one amazing 12-year-old angel with open arms and the most tender heart who is probably cuddling up with some kindergartners tonight and that brings good tears to my eyes. Love you Braxton Wills!

How about we train gun sniffing dogs to guard every school? I seriously can't stop obsessing for an answer. I grieve by taking action.

Trying to press forward by going out to a movie but it's hard to move forward when so many fellow Americans are in mourning. God bless.

It just occurred to me that God had even more reason to be in public schools on Friday. I am sure He held each of those victims in the palm of His hand and hugged them as He told them they would never again have to feel pain.

See how I vacillate? I ended off with this:

Love. Peace. Joy. This world is overcome and the next will have no heartache.

And this: Must read! So touching.

twas' 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38
when 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven's gate.
their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air.
they could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.
they were filled wit

h such joy, they didn't know what to say.
they remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.
"where are we?" asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.
"this is heaven." declared a small boy. "we're spending Christmas at God's house."
when what to their wondering eyes did appear,
but Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.
He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.
then He opened His arms and He called them by name.
and in that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring
those children all flew into the arms of their King
and as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,
one small girl turned and looked at Jesus' face.
and as if He could read all the questions she had
He gently whispered to her, "I'll take care of mom and dad."
then He looked down on earth, the world far below
He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe
then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,
"Let My power and presence re-enter this land!"
"may this country be delivered from the hands of fools"
"I'm taking back my nation. I'm taking back my schools!"
then He and the children stood up without a sound.
"come now my children, let me show you around."
excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran.
all displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.
and i heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,
"in the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT."

Written by Cameo Smith, Mt. Wolf, PA

The only place for peace is God. I don't know why it takes me so long to figure that out every time tragedy strikes. I am stubborn. Hard-headed. Prideful. A natural woman. Eventually I'll get there without vacillation, but at least I am aware of my tendency, and that is the first step towards fixing it.

So, as I hold onto God as tight as I can today. I write this.

I am proud to say that my kids went off to school today just like any other day. I am not mother of the year, far from it, but I made a choice a long time ago to limit the media into my home. We don't have any TV but Netflix and it makes all the difference. They know something tragic happened and we have prayed for CT, but my babies went off to school today feeling safe. And that is all a mother can do. If by chance some awful thing ever does happen to them, all I want them to have is a feeling of safety and security and love up to the very moment of the unspeakable.

I thank others who have helped me make sense of it all.

Two links were particularily helpful. 

This one gives a plea for the mentally ill.

And my hubby sent me here where he was able to convince me that the answer is not about gun control

or even about guarding our schools. 

The answer my friends is the same answer for all other woes in our life:

Trust in God.

Evil has always been around. Awful things happen every day. We are no worse off today then yesterday. In fact, we are better off because we don't live in a war-torn country. We as Americans freak out when tragedy strikes, but tragedy strikes much more frequently in other parts of the world.

So what can I do?

I can trust in God.

How can I trust in God?

I can continue to pray with my family.

We can read our scriptures and let God's word work in our lives.

We can limit the crooked media's influence in our homes.

We can show compassion to others.

We can stop having stigmas towards the mentally ill.

We can reach out to our neighbors who may be struggling.

We can love more deeply.

We can quit fighting over politics.

And that is what I resolve to do.

And because I have a new resolve, 

I can be grateful to God for the reminder, 

even if it's in the form of an awful tragedy.

Half-way

The great news is

I ran a half marathon

on Thanksgiving.

Almost one year to the

day that I started

my journey towards a 5k

I way surpassed it.

I rock.

I don't rock enough

to do a marathon.

I more than likely never will.

13.1 was plenty for me.

Now for the 

2012

goal reconciliation.

I am using the sandwiching

technique here.

You know

good.

bad.

good.

FAMILY

1. Read scrips every day. 

(probably received a D grade here)

2. Do good every day. 

(we are pretty good at doing good but still need work)

3. Be quiet. 

(royally failed)

PERSONAL

1. Run four 5k's. (keep running 3x wk) 

(YES I rocked this one. I did 5 official 5k's and ended off with the half

and ran 3 times per week over 90%, only missing when sick or on vacation)

2. Read 54 books. 

(At this point I have 40 books, 20 of which are children's which I just added to make me not look so pathetic. In my defense, I take Caroline to the library weekly and usually read at least 20 books to her every week. 

My i-phone has ruined my good reading habits. Dang words with friends.)

3. Weigh 180 or under. 

(190 - Lost 40 pounds this year. 

Quit counting calories sometime this summer. 

Big mistake.

Need to get back to it.)

4. Attend temple monthly. 

(I think I only missed one month but I went twice another month)

5. Plan a family camping experience. 

(Oh yeah, we went to Coral Pink Sand Dunes when it was cold enough to snow last Spring. 

Talk about a camping experience no one will forget.

We also experienced Arches this summer 

when it was windy enough to blow us off the Delicate Arch.

Nothing like the elements to teach

your kids about the outdoors.

I rocked in this area.)

7. Dailies. (scripture study, prayer, service) 

(sucked it up -

but I did make progress in the fact

that I have decided that I am not going to do these things out of guilt anymore

but I am praying for a pure desire to want them in my life -

well, when I pray.

In my defense, I have been dealing with some major stuff this year

my nephew's death, a hard miscarriage,

and the trials brought on by some very loved addicts in my life)

8. Be still and quiet. 

(Did really well with this just need to be better about including God in this time)

9. Go back to college. 

(I plan to apply to BYU for Spring, probably won't get in, 

but hopefully I will be going to BYU or UVU starting this summer)

10. Stay under budget. 

(I still am not perfect here but I have really made a ton of progress. 

Although LG would tell you otherwise.

Once again in defense,

when I have gone over budget

it really hasn't been in a 

retail therapy way but

in the everything is too expensive

and we have 4 kids way.)

11. Go to bed & wake up w LG. 

(I did super impressive all the way up to summer which ruined me. 

Starting again in Fall I have gotten up every morning 

to make my kids a good breakfast. T

hat is a huge improvement for me. 

Running has given me more energy, 

combated my depression 

and has somehow magically lessened my need for sleep)

12. Show love and compassion. 

(Still need to work on this every day. 

I am just naturally judgmental. 

I am constantly reprimanding myself.)

13. Bond with the girls. 

(I've spent a lot more quality time with them 

and have made it a point to support their dreams.

I've personally sacrificed for their extra-curriculars.

And a trip to Disneyland doesn't hurt me here.)

Overall,

I would give myself

a C grade

but an A for effort.

I consistently checked in

with myself on my goals all year.

I am enjoying having this

accountability to the blog.

Always

half-way

to

perfection.

And that my friends

is

a

glass

half

full.

Fat

Fat is a nasty word.
The only time it should be used is in regards to the stuff on the backside of a butchered pig.
Fatback is the only time when fat is a good thing.
And what a good thing it is.
Just ask the green beans.

I've been called fat. A lot. It sucks.
After watching this video on facebook yesterday, I was perplexed.


I offered the following on my page as a passive aggressive response to a few people I know who judge "fat people."

"I hate it when physically in-shape people look down upon those who aren't. I hate to tell you this, but you're not superior, especially in regards to the things that matter most: kindness and appreciation for others wherever they are in life is a learned art and maybe you should get off the treadmill long enough to take some lessons. I don't experience as much prejudice in this department as I used to, but it sure makes my blood boil whenever I encounter it."

The funniest thing about my above rant is that I got all kinds of people, my friends mind you, apologizing to me for the way that I had been treated. Why did they apologize? Because they think I am fat and that I have reason to be apologized to. Kind of ironic, huh? I never mentioned that I had been treated badly, did I? In fact, I hadn't had any teasing at all, I only posted the comment in defense of others and in opposition to the people out there looking down on this lady. I've actually been feeling pretty good about the way I am looking until yesterday. HA.

Well as you, who read my blog, know I'm on a journey of self-discovery. I've learned to love myself and I am still learning to take care of myself. I all too well know the life of this anchor. I know what it is like to be raising 3 young daughters (and she has a full-time job to boot) and to feel the stress and eat too much and exercise too little. I also know what it's like to get off my butt and count calories. I also know what it's like to have a propensity to being larger as a child and as an adult.

I also know what it's like to lose a nephew and to know that in his last week on this earth he was called fat by some mean little girls and that the word F A T may have been racing through his mind in his last breathe. It breaks my heart. Absolutely makes me shed tears. Right now in fact.

Yes, people are fat, but trust me, they know it. You pointing it out to them, or looking down on them, or even apologizing for others' fat name callers to someone who has recently lost 35 pounds doesn't really help the situation and it doesn't really motivate people to be better.

Do you know what motivates people to be better? Loving them wherever they are. Loving them right where they are. Even if it's at 700 pounds. Anyone who has watched Richard Simmons should know this fact.


Do you know why loving them helps? Because the reason they are fat is that they don't love themselves enough. Period. Or maybe they have a health condition? Or maybe they are just a husky kid that could eventually be a college football star if they live long enough to pursue that goal? The point being: You don't know what they are capable of, if all you see is F A T. And you will also never know the beauty of loving people in their weakness if you can't see past it. You don't even know what scars are under the fat.

If you can love F A T people then maybe they can learn to love themselves. And if you can love them F A T, maybe they will love you in your weakness.

See how that works? Well, yeah, you do kind of have to admit your own weakness first. Maybe you could start with judging,  lack of charity, or complete and total PRIDE?

Embracing mom-hood

I'm learning to embrace my mom-hood.

It's kind of like man-hood, but with boobs.

And a whole lot of other stuff.

I have recently learned something about myself.

Something that has never dawned on me before.

I'm insecure in my parenting.

I don't know why,

I really am a pretty darn good mom.

I can only remember one time with my kids got in trouble in school.

Abigail was in kindergarten and she got written up for writing on her desk. In pencil.

What can I say? She was my first.

My kids are well-rounded.

They are kind for the most part.

Why should I be insecure?

I am now going to resist listing their good traits.

Because I am trying to learn to NOT need to do that.

It's not healthy.

My kids are MY KIDS.

What else do they need to prove to me?

Nothing.

They don't need to be a certain way for me to love them.

And they certainly shouldn't need to be a certain way for me to love me.

So in honor of embracing my impeerfections as a parent,

and in honor of the vulnerability 

that I've been learning about in Brene Brown's book.

Here is the kind of mom I am NOT.

1- I am not an overly anal car-seat parent.

I don't believe in making my kids ride in a car while suffocating.

(After posting this photo on facebook it was brought to my attention

that the straps should be tighter and the harness higher.)

Whatever.

I also usually don't remember to remind my kids 

to put on their seat-belts til we are at least 

out of the driveway and usually we are down the street a ways.

2- I hope to have one more baby to test this next mom item out,

but I don't believe I will ever be one of those wrapper moms.

Kind of like rapper mom, 

but with a big long blanket that goes around your whole body.

And inside the blanket is a baby,

wrapped to your body.

Clinging to you for their very life,

like a car-seat will kill their brain cells.

Hmm, maybe I am a car-seat mom after all.

I am a total believer in the baby carrier.

Always have been, and I believe I always will be.

I also secretly hope that my hubby would never

be a wrapper-dad.

I just don't find it sexy at all.

Unless we are in the African jungle,

and it would be the only way to keep the baby safe.

You know straddling his chest,

while he takes his machete to fight off the warthog,

that might be sexy.

3-My three year old goes to bed with a 

sippy cup of chocolate milk every night.

It is just a little bit of chocolate

and we only added the chocolate because my mom

ruined the perfectly good white milk on her last visit.

I have no intention of changing this tooth decaying habit

until  my dentist tells me I have to.

It's hard enough to get the kid to bed,

and at least we can bribe her with the cup.

And let's face it,

I'm soooo over it by 10 pm

when we finally get her to bed.

4-I put my three year old to bed at 10 pm.

If any of you would like to come over and wrestle her to sleep earlier

or keep her from her 4:00 nap every day,

more power to you.

5- In the summer my kids and I stay up til midnight

and we all usually sleep in until at least 10 am.

I always laugh at the parents who say they would love

for their kids to sleep in,

but, "THEY JUST WON'T,

I've tried keeping them up."

Yeah, well, you have to keep them up for longer than one night.

Keep them up late for a week,

and I promise they will sleep in.

I think some parents take pride in their

early to bed, early to rise schedule.

I might be one of them if I could ever do it.

6- I really really love Little Ceasar's Pizza

and Taco Tuesdays at Del Taco.

I wish my hubby would let us eat out every night.

I don't really enjoy cooking

unless I am in the mood to bake.

I'm a good cook,

it's jut not my thing.

7-I only change my kids sheets as needed.

Sometimes we can go a couple of months,

especially when they sleep on top of their comforters.

A few dead skin cells

obviously doesn't kill them.

8- I only scrub my showers on a bi-monthly basis.

Get over it.

9-I make my kids fold their own clothes

and let their drawers be messy

if that's how they roll.

10- I yell at my kids,

but try to minimize that to

only once a day,

and even then I save the

really angry tone

for the big time

(like when they run in the street

and almost get hit by a car)

and then I hug them real tight

because I am so relieved that they didn't get themselves killed.

All while secretly knowing

it wouldn't have been themselves

to get themselves killed,

but my crappy parenting.

And there you have my worst fear.

I am totally anxious about my kids

growing up.

I don't want them to be living proof

that I was the crappiest mom in the world.

Oh but Alice,

the only thing a parent needs

to be a good parent is love.

Well, if I could just convince myself of that

then I might be ready for what awaits me.

Please God, don't let them go to jail

or get in a car accident

while not wearing their seat-belt.

The six cavities I can handle,

and the emotional immaturity,

and the inability to organize,

and the one who calls home from school once a week

because she needs more love,

and the whole nail polish kit

left outside for a week

with most of the caps off,

(they were outside because

they've been banned from inside)

the couches with marker stains,

the occasional B on a report card,

the one who is just like her dad,

and the other one who is just like her mom,

and the one who just never shuts up,

ever.

I can handle all of that,

and probably a lot more than I realize,

but my prayer

is that you don't let any physical harm

come to them because of my

inabilities and weaknesses

and the fact that I didn't want them

strapped to my chest

because I was just happy

for them to do their own thing.

So that I could do mine.

Please make sure your 

guardian angels make up the difference.

Because really,

that's all a mom can do.

Admit it.

Get over it.

And leave it in the hands of God.

Now, the way this works is you tell me something

about your parenting that makes you vulnerable

and then we leave our kids at home

with their dad while bonding over Olive Garden breadsticks.

You can tell me that you are really good at all of the above,

only if you are willing to dish out a list of 10 of your own

where you suck.

Because perfectionism is a myth,

and the sooner we all embrace that,

the happier we will be.

How to run.

I've had several friends ask me to clue them in on the "how" of my transformation from coach potato to runner. This post is for them and anyone else who can use it.

How to run.

1. Put on a good bra. (This may be important for some of the men out there too)
2. Put on appropriate attire.
(I prefer to be as covered as possible while still being comfortable and appreciate that in other runners, but if you are the kind of person who needs to flaunt it for some type of external motivation, more power to you, but you probably need therapy. How about you therapy folks just do what I did, start running in November in Utah. Then we can all be happy.)
3. Wear good socks.
4. Lace up your shoes.
5. Go outside.
6. Walk for a little while. (Like a couple blocks or a couple of weeks or a couple of months)
7. Realize your body can do more than walk.
8. Start walking faster.
9. Get sick of the burn in your butt and thighs from speed walking, and pick up the pace just a bit more.
10. Appreciate the fact that you are now jogging.
11. Jog until you get tired, which in the beginning may be a block or a half-block or a half of a half-block.
12. Slow to a walk, and take some time to rest your heart. Then make yourself jog some more.Do this until your allotted exercise time is up. Make sure it is at least for a half an hour, but an hour makes it more fun. Quit for the day. Walk back home. (If you are smart you would have turned back toward home halfway into your allotted time)
13. Memorize the spots where you started to jog and the spots that you just had to stop.
14. Two days later, walk to the same spot in #11, and when you get there, see if you can jog a little farther this time. (Yes, when you are a runner, you get a day in between runs to rest!)
15. Repeat #8-14, for as long as it takes.
16. Sign up for a 5k.
17. One day decide that you aren't going to stop jogging until you hit the 3.2 mile mark.
18. Congratulate yourself because you are now more than a jogger. You are a real runner.
19. Repeat #16-18, as you will want need a faster time and there's no better motivator than a race.
20. Somewhere along the way, you will find that 3.2 is just not long enough, and you will keep running past the 3.2 mark, you will change your running routes to work in hills, you will have used up 3 pairs of shoes, you will run at different times of the day, you will be working your running into your schedule like it's your 5th child, you will love every second of solace, you will enjoy every time you feel winded and just have to spit or get a drink, you will love the hills, you will love the down-hills, you will watch your shadow day after day, you will be cranky if you haven't had a run in over 2 days, you will run with friends (maybe only at races), you will stay after the races just to hang out with other runners even though you never win a prize, you will find yourself to be one of those obnoxious ladies at the baby shower who is suddenly surrounded by other runners comparing speed work techniques and running times and injury management, you will exceed your race goal and wonder if you are ready for the half yet, you will wonder why in the world you didn't start sooner, and most of all you will be hooked for life.

To this I solemnly swear.
Amen.

Just do it.
Running is cheap and takes little coordination.
All that is required is mind over matter.
I wouldn't call it easy, but if it was easy then it wouldn't be so awesome.
It does get easier the more you do it.
I'm not going to lie, it also gets harder, but that is the miracle of it, the harder it becomes, the better equipped you are to handle it, which means you are STRONGER!

Watching My Shadow

When the sun is just right and I happen to be running in the right direction, I get some really good self reflection time. You see, when I run, I am often looking at the ground. I do this because I am still getting in optimum shape and I have a running form that is too tired and downtrodden. I also do this because I am watching for safety hazards like raodkill, left-behind tires, or just the occasional pothole or change in ground level. (The trauma of staring a deer smack in the face while quickly jumping over her is one that will not be ever forgotten. That day that my typical "downward watch" was off and my "watch out for cars that are trying to run you over" position was on left my pulse racing.) I also look down because every time I see a coin I feel lucky, and once while running I found a mangled wedding band that I turned in for money to buy new running shoes. I don't always look down as there is so much to take in in all directions but looking at the ground is a necessary part of running.

O.k. I've got the looking down part covered. Didn't want to leave you with any questions.Well, when I am looking down and the sun and my direction are optimal I get the best runners' treat of all: my shadow. For the past 10 months, I've been watching my shadow. I watch it run. It has shrunk by 40 pounds, which in shadow world isn't much, but to me is ginormous. I watch my knees lifting and dropping and my arms swing front and back.  I watch the hairs of my head fly in the wind and the sleeves of my shirt flap.I watch the shapes in all their glory. Often I grieve over the backside, but more often I revel in all my glory. I shake my head in disbelief and then quickly remind my shadow with a nod that I am a runner. Backside and all.

It does something to you, to tell yourself that you are a runner.When you watch your shadow month after month and mile after mile, it changes you. It changes your very nature. When I wasn't a runner I was much less likely to look for rigorous outdoor activities, now, I seek them out. "C'mon guys, let's go on a hike!, how 'bout a bikeride?, we could walk down to the library just for fun, it's just a mile." As a runner, I can be more honest with myself. I can be in a place of serenity knowing that I have improved, no matter how much farther I have to go. Most of all, as a runner, I feel strong. I feel worthy. I feel reflective. I feel loved by the person who matters most: me. I feel like I can handle any obstacle, no matter how senseless, even if it's an unexpected dead deer. "What? A dead deer! Oh, no problem, I'll just hop right over", all in a second's thought process. It's like I'm a female Bourne and it feels omnipotent.

I am sure there are other ways to feel this good, but running is my way. Running and writing. Watching my monitor with my fingers flying over the keyboard underneath is a similar sensation. I think I like my running shadow the most, it speaks to me, and tells me I am a living miracle for the sole purpose that I have a body and I use it to move. And when I am moving, I love myself. When I am moving, I strengthen my body, and utilize my mind at its fullest to conquer all life's challenges, even if as simple as how am I going to afford my next pair of shoes. Once in a blue moon it all comes together, my physical, mental, and spiritual world collide and God puts a banged up wedding band in my path and my shadow says, "Awesome!"

Coming soon - how I started running - just for Dorry.

40 pounds

Our landlord came over today.

We've never met in person before.

The only place she has ever seen me

is on my blog.

Coincidentally, my blog is how she

decided to rent to us last April.

She walked in the house

and said,

"Wow, you look so different than I expected.

You look so different than your blog."

I said,

"I've lost forty pounds since that blog photo."

Then she said she could really tell

and that I should update my photo.

I decided to do a little experiment and take a photo to compare.

I do believe there is a difference.

A toddler size difference.

The side by side was validation

for all that running

and calorie counting.

I so wish I could have a baby without gaining

that forty pounds back.

But, I am grateful for the knowledge 

that my parents raised me to have.

Family is what matters most.

And guess what?

I have a family that loves me

no matter what size I am.

And I have four wonderful children

who are extremely grateful to me

for not placing my appearance

at such a high priority that

they were completely erased

from this world.

I know of many women

who determine their self-worth

by size.

I want you all to know

that I was just as important 

to my God, my husband, and my children

in that before picture.

And I will keep that picture on my blog,

even though I can now change it out for a skinnier version

because I love me

and I love that those old pounds represent

the time I spent with my children

and the months I gave to growing them inside of me

instead of obsessing at the gym

to please people in a world that

have screwed up priorities.

Yes, I feel a million times better

now that I exercise regularly

and eat healthier.

And yes there are women

out there who look great

and can have babies and go back to 

pre-baby size the day after birth.

Yes, there are women who

are healthy and not unhealthily obsessed with their weight.

Yes, yes, yes.

But me, I am probably going to gain my

forty pounds back

and I will probably gain more back after

the next baby is born

because having a newborn is stressful to me

and I get so tired

and choose to take care of my kids

over myself.

I may do better this time

as I have made great progress in 

the taking care of me category.

Or I may not.

But in the end,

I will have made the choice that matters most.

And that makes me happy

with the before and after pictures.

Dear people

I know I am a blog slacker.

I've been blogging for food.

Literally.

I started working as a social media guru

for a local business.

Not sure if they want me to tell the world

over the internet

that I am their go-to gal,

but they give me free freezer meals.

It's awesome.

Steak, shrimp, gourmet stuff

in exchange for my internet savvy.

Totally awesome.

Anyhow, I am sorry my bloggy friends.

I love you

and 

I miss you.

I just dug into my drafts 

to try and find something

to give you.

Throw you a bone,

so you won't completely give up on me.

Here's a goodie from Sophia.

My kids are serious about their soda.

When they buy it with their own money

they don't want people backwashing in it.

I love my kids more than ever.

I love my husband more than ever.

They make me laugh,

and I am sad that I am not sharing that on here as much.

Because I will forget it

if I don't write it.

I won't forget that I love them

but I will forget the ways that they make me laugh.

I just want to let you all know that

if you improve in one area of your life

 you are bound to revert in others.

I have been doing really good at running.

I've lost about 30 pounds since November.

I have been doing really good with working.

(I have two part-time jobs)

I have been doing pretty good in the marriage department.

I have even been a half-way decent mom.

I potty trained Caroline.

I have bought myself some things,

grown out my hair, 

and told myself how much I love myself

every day.

And I am even starting to believe me.

I have accomplished some of my new year's resolutions:

camping extravaganza, 

attend temple monthly, 

waking up with LG,

staying under budget,

but I have slacked in others:

read 54 books 

(I am way behind,

and really hopeful that 

I can crank them out this summer by the pool)

I have really been slacking with my spirituality.

My prayers and scripture study have not been where I want them to be.

My service to others outside my family hasn't been enough.

My joy in church service hasn't been where I need it.

It's not that I am not doing these things at all,

it's just that as I have added in more of other things,

I haven't given it the same dedication

and I miss it.

One thing I learned in the South is to

GIVE MYSELF GRACE.

So I do.

But one of these days

I will be the whole package.

One of these days,

dear people.

But, really,

with giving myself grace,

I am doing magnificently.

Never been better.

Or happier.

Or healthier.

or pleased with myself.

Glory to God

for strengthening me

in all areas of my life,

just sometimes I have to choose which one.

If you want to read more

about how God strengthens us

go here.

So powerful.

and true.