Taking Care

You know how in passing we say "take care."
Yeah, you've said it.
You've heard it.
Do you mean it when you say it?
Do you really hope others will take care of themselves?
Do you really do it?
When someone tells you to take care,
do you really take care of yourself?

As a codependent I used to think it was my job
to take care of everyone and everything.
I was always sticking my nose in other peoples' business.
Yes, peoples is plural.
I tried to control others.
I would serve them to make them love me
or to change them
or just to be in control.
I had no idea I was doing it
but I was.
Then I gained awareness
and I've tried really hard to change me ways.

So now I try not to excessively worry about other people,
(it's still a work in progress)
and I also try a lot harder to worry
about the only thing that was in
my control all along: me, myself and I.

Several years ago I made a very conscious decision
that I was going to take care of me.
That little decision has made me a much happier person.
Not only did it free me from the things that weighed me down and were out of my control,
but it changed my focus completely.
I am always asking myself what I need now.
I don't rely on everyone else to make me happy,
I just try to have a healthy self dialogue to honestly assess my needs
and then I go out and get what I need.

I never used to do that
and then I would be all resentful that nobody was taking care of me.
Half the time I didn't know what I needed
and half the time I did, but I would wait for someone else
to magically show up and give it to me.
In this case there is no such thing as magic.

Of course I was too afraid to look inward
and realize that the blame lied with me,
and not on the others who couldn't work magic
and so I walked around with a chip
on my shoulder all of the time.
I was mad all of the time.
Nobody cared about me.
Boo hoo hoo.

Now I can graciously accept it when others love me
because I no longer have the excessive need to be loved
and I don't expect people to work magic
like in the past.
I appreciate their love and want it,
but I don't have an excessive need for it.
I have the one thing that I really need most:
I love myself.
I take care of myself.

Two days ago
I found this little gem below
on the ground next to
our pile of backpacks.
One of my daughters
had been writing about me at school.

It made my century.
One - someone else notices that I can take care of myself.
Two - that person is one of the people I want to be a good example for most.
Three - She knows it is safe to say that I have flaws because we all do.
Four - She didn't dwell on the flaws. Thank goodness.

It is the only way to really live: taking care.

If we can't take care of ourselves

nobody else will.

Or they might try really hard

but it will never really penetrate because

the inner you will be in turmoil.

Trust  me on this.

Take care now, ya' hear.

While running after writing this post

I heard this song by MJ

and thought my next step is to

find the right balance

of caring for myself and others

for the right reasons.

I wish Michael Jackson would have taken care of himself.

2013 goals or Going for the Gold

I've been trying to finalize my 2013 goals.

Even though I gave myself a C last year,

I am an absolute believer in the adage

"goals that are not written down are just wishes."

While at Ikea on our date Saturday

LG and I came up with a winning idea

on how to motivate our family

towards betterment.

Money is a pure motivator

for all of us,

so we are going to reward ourselves

with GOLD.

We decided on family Olympics

for 2013.

Or as LG says,

"We're having family hunger games."

Everyone will get to put their names

in a pot in a once a week drawing

for 5 gold coins.

We will all earn chances in the pot

by accomplishing

our 5 personal and 5 family goals daily.

(That's up to 70 shots a week)

Unlike hunger games,

we want our names in the pot.

The more we accomplish our goals,

the better chance we have to win a gold coin (or 5).

Our theme is

"Go for the Gold."

Get it.

We're the Gold's.

We're so funny.

I am super excited about

the 5 rings of improvement.

LG and I narrowed our desires for our kids into

5 categories:

spiritual, mental, physical, emotional, and financial.

(See the above photo)

Here are the goals

we came up with as a family

in each category.

Some of these goals are going to be easier than others.

Reading should be a cinch.

Believe it or not

I think sharing feelings

might be harder (especially for some)

 than daily scripture study.

The kids are already up in arms

about the soda

but I love that they will still have the choice.

If they drink soda,

they lose a shot at a dollar.

If it were up to us

we'd take it away all together

but this way we make the point

without taking away their agency.

I am super excited about

seeing how this family challenge

will pan out.

I hope to win a few bucks along the way

and I think this may

have the "fun" factor

to keep us motivated all year.

Anyhow,

I am sure you have all been dying

to see what my goals are for

2013.

With no further ado,

by category

we go.

Financial

1.Save a $1 a day toward family vacation.

2.Stay under budget.

Emotional

1.Journal/study/meditate daily before doing anything else.

2.No phone in bed.

3.Give a meaningful inspired service weekly.

Physical

1.Use myfitnesspal every day until I weigh under 160 pounds.

2 Keep running 3x/week.

3.Run 2 half marathons (unless I get pregnant)
4. Add in a fourth workout every week. Something other than running.

Spiritual

1.Pray every day.

2.Temple once a month (take Abigail with 4x)

3.Organize family genealogy.

Mental

1.Learn a new word every day. 

(I discovered a cool app for this)

2.Go back to school,

even if it's just one class.

3.Write every day

(blog/outline of novel)

4.Read 100 books

(adding in 1 junior non-fiction

to regular reading goals)

Marital

1.Bond every night.

(Communicate regularly)

2.Go to bed and wake up together.

It's lofty, I know,

but if I only get a C,

I will still have accomplished twice

as much as if I had never written anything down.

My OCD side really loves fresh starts.

Just think, we have one every day.

When Tragedy Strikes

I feel. I feel deep. It is part of who I am. I have no way around it. I am a sensitive person. I am pretty sure I get it from my mom. I cry at the drop of a hat. I really should be an actress. So, when tragedy strikes, it kind of knocks me out for a bit. It really knocks me out. I have to give myself cognitive therapy so that I don't succumb to the warmth of the sheets in my bed. I have to distract myself. I even lie to myself if necessary. Most of all I have to get some answers.

I think because I feel, I have chosen God consistently throughout my life. I need somewhere to go when nothing makes sense and let's face it, there is a lot that doesn't make sense.

Like other people though, I usually vacillate in my own incompetence for a bit before I turn to God. I am trying to change that, but I guess I can take comfort in the fact that at least I get to God at some point. A lot of people don't have the same luxury.

So after the CT shooting last Friday, these were my reactions, put out there for everyone and their dog to see. Oh the evil of social media. It really shows one's true colors.

This should not still be happening. Give me your best solutions for the safety of our children. Serious. I am writing Congress. I am so heartbroken.

I refuse to read more than one news report about the shooting. 
I suggest you all do the same.

Use your energy to make the world a better place.

We have the highest obligation to protect the children. The American citizens demand that every school has two armed trained military personnel on guard every day. Repost if you agree.

Pondering again on the words of Mormon leader Dallin H Oaks spoken to the world that would listen just two months ago:

Although I do not speak in terms of politics or public policy, like other Church leaders, I cannot speak for the welfare of children without implications for the choices being made by citizens, public officials, and workers in private organizations. We are all under the Savior’s 

command to love and care for each other and especially for the weak and defenseless.

Children are highly vulnerable. They have little or no power to protect or provide for themselves and little influence on so much that is vital to their well-being. Children need others to speak for them, and they need decision makers who put their well-being ahead of selfish adult interests.

I know one amazing 12-year-old angel with open arms and the most tender heart who is probably cuddling up with some kindergartners tonight and that brings good tears to my eyes. Love you Braxton Wills!

How about we train gun sniffing dogs to guard every school? I seriously can't stop obsessing for an answer. I grieve by taking action.

Trying to press forward by going out to a movie but it's hard to move forward when so many fellow Americans are in mourning. God bless.

It just occurred to me that God had even more reason to be in public schools on Friday. I am sure He held each of those victims in the palm of His hand and hugged them as He told them they would never again have to feel pain.

See how I vacillate? I ended off with this:

Love. Peace. Joy. This world is overcome and the next will have no heartache.

And this: Must read! So touching.

twas' 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38
when 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven's gate.
their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air.
they could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.
they were filled wit

h such joy, they didn't know what to say.
they remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.
"where are we?" asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.
"this is heaven." declared a small boy. "we're spending Christmas at God's house."
when what to their wondering eyes did appear,
but Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.
He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.
then He opened His arms and He called them by name.
and in that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring
those children all flew into the arms of their King
and as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,
one small girl turned and looked at Jesus' face.
and as if He could read all the questions she had
He gently whispered to her, "I'll take care of mom and dad."
then He looked down on earth, the world far below
He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe
then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,
"Let My power and presence re-enter this land!"
"may this country be delivered from the hands of fools"
"I'm taking back my nation. I'm taking back my schools!"
then He and the children stood up without a sound.
"come now my children, let me show you around."
excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran.
all displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.
and i heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,
"in the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT."

Written by Cameo Smith, Mt. Wolf, PA

The only place for peace is God. I don't know why it takes me so long to figure that out every time tragedy strikes. I am stubborn. Hard-headed. Prideful. A natural woman. Eventually I'll get there without vacillation, but at least I am aware of my tendency, and that is the first step towards fixing it.

So, as I hold onto God as tight as I can today. I write this.

I am proud to say that my kids went off to school today just like any other day. I am not mother of the year, far from it, but I made a choice a long time ago to limit the media into my home. We don't have any TV but Netflix and it makes all the difference. They know something tragic happened and we have prayed for CT, but my babies went off to school today feeling safe. And that is all a mother can do. If by chance some awful thing ever does happen to them, all I want them to have is a feeling of safety and security and love up to the very moment of the unspeakable.

I thank others who have helped me make sense of it all.

Two links were particularily helpful. 

This one gives a plea for the mentally ill.

And my hubby sent me here where he was able to convince me that the answer is not about gun control

or even about guarding our schools. 

The answer my friends is the same answer for all other woes in our life:

Trust in God.

Evil has always been around. Awful things happen every day. We are no worse off today then yesterday. In fact, we are better off because we don't live in a war-torn country. We as Americans freak out when tragedy strikes, but tragedy strikes much more frequently in other parts of the world.

So what can I do?

I can trust in God.

How can I trust in God?

I can continue to pray with my family.

We can read our scriptures and let God's word work in our lives.

We can limit the crooked media's influence in our homes.

We can show compassion to others.

We can stop having stigmas towards the mentally ill.

We can reach out to our neighbors who may be struggling.

We can love more deeply.

We can quit fighting over politics.

And that is what I resolve to do.

And because I have a new resolve, 

I can be grateful to God for the reminder, 

even if it's in the form of an awful tragedy.

Half-way

The great news is

I ran a half marathon

on Thanksgiving.

Almost one year to the

day that I started

my journey towards a 5k

I way surpassed it.

I rock.

I don't rock enough

to do a marathon.

I more than likely never will.

13.1 was plenty for me.

Now for the 

2012

goal reconciliation.

I am using the sandwiching

technique here.

You know

good.

bad.

good.

FAMILY

1. Read scrips every day. 

(probably received a D grade here)

2. Do good every day. 

(we are pretty good at doing good but still need work)

3. Be quiet. 

(royally failed)

PERSONAL

1. Run four 5k's. (keep running 3x wk) 

(YES I rocked this one. I did 5 official 5k's and ended off with the half

and ran 3 times per week over 90%, only missing when sick or on vacation)

2. Read 54 books. 

(At this point I have 40 books, 20 of which are children's which I just added to make me not look so pathetic. In my defense, I take Caroline to the library weekly and usually read at least 20 books to her every week. 

My i-phone has ruined my good reading habits. Dang words with friends.)

3. Weigh 180 or under. 

(190 - Lost 40 pounds this year. 

Quit counting calories sometime this summer. 

Big mistake.

Need to get back to it.)

4. Attend temple monthly. 

(I think I only missed one month but I went twice another month)

5. Plan a family camping experience. 

(Oh yeah, we went to Coral Pink Sand Dunes when it was cold enough to snow last Spring. 

Talk about a camping experience no one will forget.

We also experienced Arches this summer 

when it was windy enough to blow us off the Delicate Arch.

Nothing like the elements to teach

your kids about the outdoors.

I rocked in this area.)

7. Dailies. (scripture study, prayer, service) 

(sucked it up -

but I did make progress in the fact

that I have decided that I am not going to do these things out of guilt anymore

but I am praying for a pure desire to want them in my life -

well, when I pray.

In my defense, I have been dealing with some major stuff this year

my nephew's death, a hard miscarriage,

and the trials brought on by some very loved addicts in my life)

8. Be still and quiet. 

(Did really well with this just need to be better about including God in this time)

9. Go back to college. 

(I plan to apply to BYU for Spring, probably won't get in, 

but hopefully I will be going to BYU or UVU starting this summer)

10. Stay under budget. 

(I still am not perfect here but I have really made a ton of progress. 

Although LG would tell you otherwise.

Once again in defense,

when I have gone over budget

it really hasn't been in a 

retail therapy way but

in the everything is too expensive

and we have 4 kids way.)

11. Go to bed & wake up w LG. 

(I did super impressive all the way up to summer which ruined me. 

Starting again in Fall I have gotten up every morning 

to make my kids a good breakfast. T

hat is a huge improvement for me. 

Running has given me more energy, 

combated my depression 

and has somehow magically lessened my need for sleep)

12. Show love and compassion. 

(Still need to work on this every day. 

I am just naturally judgmental. 

I am constantly reprimanding myself.)

13. Bond with the girls. 

(I've spent a lot more quality time with them 

and have made it a point to support their dreams.

I've personally sacrificed for their extra-curriculars.

And a trip to Disneyland doesn't hurt me here.)

Overall,

I would give myself

a C grade

but an A for effort.

I consistently checked in

with myself on my goals all year.

I am enjoying having this

accountability to the blog.

Always

half-way

to

perfection.

And that my friends

is

a

glass

half

full.

Freedom Week

To start this post I want to share a photo

that I took with my own two hands.

I am so proud of it.

I caught it when coming out of the grocery store. 

I didn't have a tri-pod, 

but apparently I got the camera still enough

to do justice to that gorgeous moon.

I have this amazing ability at getting myself roped into things.

That's a nice way of saying I often forget to say no.

This year, my big project has been

Freedom Week.

It's be a beast.

Just enough to remind me to say no

for another year or so.

What a gorgeous view, eh?

Freedom Week

is a yearly week-long celebration

at the girls' school

that focuses on the freedoms we enjoy

as Americans.

I was originally told that all I had to do

was plan a few dress up days

and line up a speaker for an assembly.

If that is all I had to do

I wonder why it occupied about

80 hours of my time over the past

two months.

Anything for freedom.

Or my kids.

Or because I can't say no.

I did rope in a few people to help.

My ward's (Mormon way of saying congregation)

young women

did a great job with the big banner

and small posters for each classroom door.

Aren't they cute.

I was sad I didn't get a photo of them all.

They cranked out 16 of these

in about 30 minutes

and no one uses glue and glitter

like young women.

The greatest sacrifice for me

was waking up at 6 a.m.

to hang up the flags outside.

It was dark

and I hate mornings.

I let Abigail drive around the

empty parking lot

as a reward for waking up early.

She was pretty stoked.

Each student got their own personal

American flag

as they arrived to the assembly this morning.

Aren't they just the cutest?

We lined the halls with red white and blue.

And messages of freedom.

I'd like to think that this is what 

I looked like

all morning.

This is me teaching the kids about IwaJima
while introducing Mr. Mason a WWII vet.

But I am sure it was much more like this.

 Props to the school orchestra and choir.

They did amazing.

Two of my perfect children

are singing

about voting

and loving America.

Can you spot them?

The Mayor of Orem

brought along some of his heroes:

A local police officer,

and some firefighters.

You should have seen the faces of the kids

when this guy walked in the room

in full firefighting garb.

It was awesome.

My personal favorite part of the day

was introducing a true

American hero.

He is in the middle of this photo

in the Marine Corps shirt.

His name is

Fred William Mason

and he faught at IwaJima.

What an honor it was to

give the kids a piece of history

and to see them give

Mr. Mason

the standing ovation

he deserves.

(See the bottom of the post

for his story)

Perhaps my greatest gratitude should go to this man.
He is always my technical support and go-to guy.
As you can see by the photograph,
he was perfect
at entertaining Caroline.

We've already over-established what a handful she can be, right?

Here's the slideshow I made.
I had no idea what I was doing,
so give me grace people.
It was a great way to spend my 39th birthday.
And the day before it. And the two days after it.

   

We also did a few other things:

• school-wide speech writing contest (the winners gave their speeches today at the assembly and got $20 giftcards to Wal-Mart)
• The Cub Scouts officiated at the flag ceremony
• A student soloist did the Star Spangled Banner
• A mock presidential election (Governor Romney won with 74% of the votes)
• Letters from the kids for Vets at the VA Hospital
• We were supposed to do a donation drive but student council never got it together
• Each student received a white star to write about what they appreciate most in their freedom. They will each tape them on their classroom door banners. (picture above)
• Oh and we have dress up days all week.

Monday - stars and stripes
Tuesday - red white and blue
Wednesday - Dress like your favorite American hero or wear a uniform
Thursday - Denim day (jeans were invented in the US)
Friday - School spirit colors - which happen to be blue and white.

* Oh and an added not for future reference. I asked Bella what she liked best about the assembly and with all attitude she immediately responded with, "I hated it when you cried mom, you embarrassed me in front of all my friends." Maybe someday she will see that differently and be proud of a mom who is so grateful.

Fred Mason's introduction

It’s my great pleasure to introduce you to one of our great American heroes. He’s a friend and neighbor to us all.  He lives right off 1600 North in Orem. His name is Fred William Mason and I am proud to know him.
Mr. Mason was a corporel in the Marine Corps during WWII. He faught at Iwa Jima.  There is a famous photograph that won the Pulitzer Prize of soldiers raising the American Flag at Mount Serabachi on Feb 23, 1945. Mr. Mason know the soldiers in the photo personally.
IwoJima was a volcanic island and no civilians lived there. Its name means Sulphur Island. It was a very important military spot in the Japanese Territory and it was a critical victory for American strategy. If we hadn’t won at IwoJima we probably wouldn’t have been able to drop the Atomic Bombs and the war may not have ended so fast.
The Battle of IwaJima happened from Feb 19 – March 26 1945. Only 216 of the 21,844 Japanese survived and of the 70,000 Americans who faught 6,821 were killed and 19,217 wounded. Many of those soldiers were friends of Mr. Mason. He served in the 5th Marine Division of the 28th Regiment.
Mr. Mason is 86 years old.
He was born in 1926 in Lexington, KY.
He was the fifth child of 9 kids in his family.
His four brothers also served in the military.
Two also served in WWII
Richard fought in the army at Okinowa.
Earl was also in the army and was taken as a Prisoner of War at the March of Batan in the Phillipines.
Glen and Ernie enlisted after the war into the Navy and never had to fight like their older brothers.
He worked on farms from age 8. Sold veggies at the market.
He wasn’t able to attend school but a few years as he was expected to help provide for his family.
Around age 12, his family got indoor plumbing.
At age 14, he started taking the bus and going to church to every Sunday with his sister.
He grew up during The Great Depression. When I asked him what his favorite food was, he said he was always hungry and would eat anything he could get his hands on. He particularly like his momma’s biscuits and gravy, and was always really happy when he would get a little bit of ham in his beans.
He was drafted in 1944 at age 18.
Went from Lexington to Louisville to join the Navy, but there was a Marine recruiter who snagged him and 4 others in line up to fill his quota for the day.
Went to Camp Pendelton in California for Basic Training.
When he was done he boarded a ship and was told 4 days into it that they were on their way to the South Pacific to fight the Japanese.
After the Battle of IwaJima, Mr. Mason reboarded the ship and remembers many soldiers celebrating. He however just wanted to brush his teeth (they had been in the trenches for over a month) and went to the Red Cross to ask for a toothbrush but was told they didn’t have enough to give him one.
Mr Mason was shipped back to Hawaii, where he served 8 months of occupational duty and was discharged in 1946.
After the war he went back to Lexington where he worked at a Wholesale Food Distrubutor. He delivered food to Colonel Sanders of KFC and says he looked exactly like his pictures. In fact, he can’t remember him every changing from before the war.
Mr. Mason is a hero to me for another reason then his honorable military service, after the war, he taught himself to read. Remember he didn’t have much school growing up.
In 1950 he met Mrs. Mason and they had their first child, a girl named Debi, who is also our neighbor.
Mr. and Mrs. Mason then moved to Indiana so that Mr. Mason could work at a Defense Plant building helicopters. The had two more children. Both boys who still lived in Indiana.
Mr and Mrs Mason moved to Utah 14 years ago.
They have been married for 62 years.
Mr. Mason continues to make a difference for his country by working a Heritage School in Provo. He has worked there mentoring troubled youth for the past 6 years.
Mr. Mason is truly a remarkable person. Tom Brokaw once called his generation the Greatest Generation. I believe they were a great generation and I believe Mr. Mason was one of the greatest.
Please join me and give Mr. Mason and all his friends who fought for our freedom the round of applause they deserve.

Embracing mom-hood

I'm learning to embrace my mom-hood.

It's kind of like man-hood, but with boobs.

And a whole lot of other stuff.

I have recently learned something about myself.

Something that has never dawned on me before.

I'm insecure in my parenting.

I don't know why,

I really am a pretty darn good mom.

I can only remember one time with my kids got in trouble in school.

Abigail was in kindergarten and she got written up for writing on her desk. In pencil.

What can I say? She was my first.

My kids are well-rounded.

They are kind for the most part.

Why should I be insecure?

I am now going to resist listing their good traits.

Because I am trying to learn to NOT need to do that.

It's not healthy.

My kids are MY KIDS.

What else do they need to prove to me?

Nothing.

They don't need to be a certain way for me to love them.

And they certainly shouldn't need to be a certain way for me to love me.

So in honor of embracing my impeerfections as a parent,

and in honor of the vulnerability 

that I've been learning about in Brene Brown's book.

Here is the kind of mom I am NOT.

1- I am not an overly anal car-seat parent.

I don't believe in making my kids ride in a car while suffocating.

(After posting this photo on facebook it was brought to my attention

that the straps should be tighter and the harness higher.)

Whatever.

I also usually don't remember to remind my kids 

to put on their seat-belts til we are at least 

out of the driveway and usually we are down the street a ways.

2- I hope to have one more baby to test this next mom item out,

but I don't believe I will ever be one of those wrapper moms.

Kind of like rapper mom, 

but with a big long blanket that goes around your whole body.

And inside the blanket is a baby,

wrapped to your body.

Clinging to you for their very life,

like a car-seat will kill their brain cells.

Hmm, maybe I am a car-seat mom after all.

I am a total believer in the baby carrier.

Always have been, and I believe I always will be.

I also secretly hope that my hubby would never

be a wrapper-dad.

I just don't find it sexy at all.

Unless we are in the African jungle,

and it would be the only way to keep the baby safe.

You know straddling his chest,

while he takes his machete to fight off the warthog,

that might be sexy.

3-My three year old goes to bed with a 

sippy cup of chocolate milk every night.

It is just a little bit of chocolate

and we only added the chocolate because my mom

ruined the perfectly good white milk on her last visit.

I have no intention of changing this tooth decaying habit

until  my dentist tells me I have to.

It's hard enough to get the kid to bed,

and at least we can bribe her with the cup.

And let's face it,

I'm soooo over it by 10 pm

when we finally get her to bed.

4-I put my three year old to bed at 10 pm.

If any of you would like to come over and wrestle her to sleep earlier

or keep her from her 4:00 nap every day,

more power to you.

5- In the summer my kids and I stay up til midnight

and we all usually sleep in until at least 10 am.

I always laugh at the parents who say they would love

for their kids to sleep in,

but, "THEY JUST WON'T,

I've tried keeping them up."

Yeah, well, you have to keep them up for longer than one night.

Keep them up late for a week,

and I promise they will sleep in.

I think some parents take pride in their

early to bed, early to rise schedule.

I might be one of them if I could ever do it.

6- I really really love Little Ceasar's Pizza

and Taco Tuesdays at Del Taco.

I wish my hubby would let us eat out every night.

I don't really enjoy cooking

unless I am in the mood to bake.

I'm a good cook,

it's jut not my thing.

7-I only change my kids sheets as needed.

Sometimes we can go a couple of months,

especially when they sleep on top of their comforters.

A few dead skin cells

obviously doesn't kill them.

8- I only scrub my showers on a bi-monthly basis.

Get over it.

9-I make my kids fold their own clothes

and let their drawers be messy

if that's how they roll.

10- I yell at my kids,

but try to minimize that to

only once a day,

and even then I save the

really angry tone

for the big time

(like when they run in the street

and almost get hit by a car)

and then I hug them real tight

because I am so relieved that they didn't get themselves killed.

All while secretly knowing

it wouldn't have been themselves

to get themselves killed,

but my crappy parenting.

And there you have my worst fear.

I am totally anxious about my kids

growing up.

I don't want them to be living proof

that I was the crappiest mom in the world.

Oh but Alice,

the only thing a parent needs

to be a good parent is love.

Well, if I could just convince myself of that

then I might be ready for what awaits me.

Please God, don't let them go to jail

or get in a car accident

while not wearing their seat-belt.

The six cavities I can handle,

and the emotional immaturity,

and the inability to organize,

and the one who calls home from school once a week

because she needs more love,

and the whole nail polish kit

left outside for a week

with most of the caps off,

(they were outside because

they've been banned from inside)

the couches with marker stains,

the occasional B on a report card,

the one who is just like her dad,

and the other one who is just like her mom,

and the one who just never shuts up,

ever.

I can handle all of that,

and probably a lot more than I realize,

but my prayer

is that you don't let any physical harm

come to them because of my

inabilities and weaknesses

and the fact that I didn't want them

strapped to my chest

because I was just happy

for them to do their own thing.

So that I could do mine.

Please make sure your 

guardian angels make up the difference.

Because really,

that's all a mom can do.

Admit it.

Get over it.

And leave it in the hands of God.

Now, the way this works is you tell me something

about your parenting that makes you vulnerable

and then we leave our kids at home

with their dad while bonding over Olive Garden breadsticks.

You can tell me that you are really good at all of the above,

only if you are willing to dish out a list of 10 of your own

where you suck.

Because perfectionism is a myth,

and the sooner we all embrace that,

the happier we will be.