Braxton Richard Lane Wills

Today is an emotional day for me.

My nephew Braxton,

who passed away in May,

would have been 13 today.

The loss a whole family feels

is so profound

and lingering.

We miss this little guy

so much.

He was so full of life.

He is known for being

sensitive and caring

kind and loving

and

all boy.

He has

a great

sense of humor.

I have seen several

miracles

since his passing

but one that sticks with me

the most

is the day

that Braxton found me on

my running trail.

He just ran right along with me

until I stopped

at the top of a hill.

His presence was

so profound,

I had to stop to see if

I could see him with my own eyes.

I talked to him

and told him how much

I love him.

When I started to cry

and tell him how sad I

was that he was gone,

he immediately ran off the other way.

He turned back with a smile

as if to say

"Don't be sad,

I'm happy,

I'm busy,

in fact I have to run right now.

I've stolen away enough time

to find you today.

I just wanted to tell you

to be happy

because I love you too."

I am giving myself permission 

to sit around today

and cry

because sometimes

tears are the best way to heal.

I thank my beautiful niece Dani

(Braxton's oldest sister)

and her band

Roatrip Romance

for writing and recording

this beautiful song

called 

"Wait on you"

It's balm to my soul today.

 I guess heaven

couldn't wait on

Braxton.

And I guess I better

quit crying

and get out on the

running trail

like I would normally

to show Braxton

that I am honoring his wishes

to not be sad

and to

live my life to the fullest.

I know he wants

me to

appreciate life

for all that it is.

Another thing

he told me

on the running trail is

how blessed I am

to have this mortality.

I love you Braxton.

Thanks for

teaching me so much.

Here is a great talk

by a living apostle

about

finding

joy in life.

Braxton would

approve of the message.

In fact,

it's the same message

he delivered

to me

in about

300 less words.

I look to you

I love this song. It's an old Whitney Houston number
and was recently redone on Glee.
After hearing it on my i-pod yesterday,
I've been searching it out on youtube.
I want to send it to my brother
who recently lost his son Braxton.
(I can't type that last sentence
without my eyes welling up in tears)

I've been through some hard things in my life.
I've been diagnosed with a mental illness,
I've lived through serious poverty,
I've come within a hair from losing my marriage,
I've experienced cruel prejudices,
I've struggled with my weight,
and I've lost people I've loved.

But right now nothing hurts more than Braxton.
Even though I didn't spend as much time
with him as I would have preferred
(due to living in poverty half a world away
in Tennessee for a decade)
I loved that kid.
He was a complex mixture of the best of his mom and dad.
He was so compassionate (mom) and determined (dad).
He was so funny (dad) yet smart (mom).
Ha ha. O.k. he could have gotten both of those from both of his parents.
He had an infectious smile (mom and dad).
He was the life of the party (his aunt ali) :)
He was and is such a good kid.
The kind of kid that anyone would be proud to call their own.

We all love and miss him so,
and are left with such a huge hole in our hearts,
as we try to make sense of his passing.

I worry for my brother and his family every day,
and I simultaneously try to soothe my own pain.
Every day I send my brother a little message on facebook
to uplift, inspire, strengthen, and happy-make.
It's been amazing to me how much that little act has been the best balm for me.
Sometimes I end up searching online for hours for just the right thing,
but for those hours I am finding little gems to my own soul.

Like this song.
Wow.
What a great reminder to where we need to look.
In all our troubles.
I can honestly say that God is the only way I've survived.
And I proudly say that I have done more than survive.
I have flourished under his tutelage.

I love this singer's journey to her own health.
It really does boil down to the fact
"I can do all things through God whom strengtheneth me."
I know that if my brother and his family know anything,
it is to look to God for their strength.
They do such an amazing job at it.
I'm so grateful they have their God.
And I am so grateful that they are my constant reminder
to look to Him too.

Little Orphan Annie

While I was growing up,

my sisters and I loved Little Orphan Annie.

We didn't just like it, we were obsessed with it.

I guess we kind of wished we had a Daddy Warbucks too.

Even though we had great parents,

we wanted Daddy Warbucks' house.

And Pun-jab.

We also wanted to dance like that

and sing like that.

One thing bothered me about the movie though.

I know, I can only think of one thing. Weird.

Little Orphan Annie's rat tail.

Imagine my surprise when Caroline was sportin' the same "do" last night.

I cringed all up inside.

My little girl Alice wanted to brush it and make it right.

Yeah, I am weird.

And a little obsessive.

Even orphans deserve good hair.

Especially if they are on TV.

This video is for my little sister Renee.

I want her to know that I finally forgive her

for placing the VHS Annie in the VCR

with peanut butter all over her hands.

And like Annie taught,

there is always tomorrow.

And this tomorrow we will be watching Annie on DVD.

And the next tomorrow we may even have Blu-Ray.

Did I tell you my new secret obsession?
I want to make Caroline famous.
She deserves to be the modern day Shirley Temple.
She is sooo dang cute.

If we dyed her hair red she could play Rosie.
And if LG lost 80 pounds and grew his hair out he could sooo be Matt Damon.
I guess Abigail will have to play Scarlett Johansen
since I am nowhere near close.
Man, all we need is a zoo.
See it always goes back to Daddy Warbucks.


(We loved the movie by the way,
but beware there is a lot of language)

Wolverine through and through

For you readers who aren't familiar
with Utah,
last week was The Holy War.
That means that the holier than thou team BYU
got spanked by the rebellious Utah Utes.

I have a few suggestions for the team's improvement,
inspired by photos of my kids and their cousins.

High School

I loved high school.
I really did.

Attending my 20 year reunion
was so much fun.

Almost as fun as digging out the old photos.

Feel free to ignore this post.
There are lots of pictures from the 80's.
It's for the family history
after I'm dead and gone.

Family Feud

Do you remember this post about my family's appearance on The Family Feud?

Well, LG and I were at a Radio Shack the other day and it reminded me of my brother's terrible answer in the final round. He will never live it down. What would you buy (other than a radio) at Radio Shack? A wire. I think one other person had actually picked that answer. So funny and fun.

We didn't win the $20,000 but we did make some great memories.

Go to my brother Adam's facebook page to watch the video.
And come back and tell me how terrible my hair was.

We are all Pioneers

Who is your favorite pioneer?

Mine is my mother,

who at 16 started searching for the true church.

Thanks Cally.

Sometimes, I just love my friends even more.

Because I remember that I love them

because they are human.

And real.

And humble.

And they don't have to be perfect,

and when they don't act perfect all the time,

it gives me permission to be myself.

I wonder why sometimes

I waste time

building friendships

with non-real people.

You know,

they are made out of cheese.

I guess this is my guest post for the week.

Because Abigail came home with lice on Tuesday.

And I have been laundering,

and mayonaising,

and RIDing,

and laundering some more,

and spraying,

and vacuuming,

and crying,

and bagging everything,

and boiling hair things.

(We have so many hair things)

And my brother has been in town.

Thank goodness without his kids.

I would die to give them lice

and lucky for David, he is bald,

and had a hotel room.

Did you ever read my post

about my lice traumatization?

(Yeah, I just made that word up.)

Congrats to me.

Therapy has worked.

I'm o.k.

to tell the whole world

that my daughter has lice.

I have arrived.

I don't care.

Go ahead,

I dare you.

Call me

A-lice.

It won't hurt.

Have a wonderful Friday.

And know that this completely imperfect person

will never EVER claim to

be anything more or less than just that.

And, yeah,

sometimes my kids don't shower every day.

But, that's not how they got lice,

because they've been doing that

for 6 years.

And they didn't get lice

until Abigail went to middle school.

And I have my suspicions

of how she got it.

Really Important Stuff My Kids Have Taught Me #15

On the playground,

you're either chasing or being chased.

Large Families

This is an opinion post.

I just want your opinion.

Here's a disturbing news story about a lady

who was dead for 18 months

and was only found after her house sold.

There are really great promises about having a big family.

One of those is going to be

that I am not going to die

and not be discovered for 18 months.

My kiddos may send me to a nursing home,

but they aren't going to forget about me.

Just like I will never forget my parents.

And neither will my 6 siblings.

I would love to be able to handle 7 children,

like my mom.

Sometimes 4 feels like my max.

I am 36.

I could crank out a couple more.

Especially when looking at this.

It feels like 4 children doesn't really define a large family.

I think that 5 is large.

But, 6 seems to be the magic number for large.

What do you think?

Time-Out Time

I just read this article for some great new strategies in disciplining my kids.

After reading the article, I thought that letting the kids play cards with the dog was a really great idea of disciplining with techniques of both distraction and silliness. Let me know if your dog is as good as ours at playing spoons. It kind of runs in the Gold blood. Olive would love to get together with your dog for a card playing play date.

I typically am a go-to time out mom. I am a believer in time-out. We spanked Abigail, our oldest, for a while and found that it did not work for her at all. It just made her more aggressive. I am not saying that spanking won't work for some children, but for me it wasn't an option because I could not spank without anger. But, the older my children have got, the more frustrated I have become with the ineffectiveness of time-out. I have found myself trying to remember what my mom did with her seven kids when I have situations to resolve at hand.

My mom spanked so well without anger that it was a standing joke at our house growing up. There was usually much laughter accompanying our spankings, which were preferably given with a wooden spoon. It was much softer than her hand would have been. She's such a softie. Another good thing my mom did was make my siblings and I sit under the peach tree in the backyard whenever we fought. We had to stay there until we were willing to give each other a hug. How powerful and simple that technique was. I think she may have even used it on some of the neighbor kids from time to time. And, now that I am a mother, I realize how ingenious the idea was for her sanity too. She didn't have to worry or listen to any bickering once we were outside. She also remained neutral and made us work out our own solutions with this effective disciplining strategy.

I was really excited the other day when I had a good parenting stroke of genius. I think my mom would be pleased. The idea stemmed from her insistence that I write "I love my brother 100 times" at least 100 times in my life.

For the most part my kids behave great, but I have one pretty consistent struggle between my two bullheaded children. Abigail is 11 and wants to always tell 6 year old Bella how to do things. Bella resents it because she thinks she can be her own boss. They go at it pretty good from time to time, mostly just verbally, but sometimes they will push or hit.

Well, the other day, after one of these disagreements, and after Abigail's 11 minute time-out, that didn't work a bit, I gave her an assignment. She was to sit at the kitchen table and write down 10 things she likes about Bella. I was adamant that she would not leave the table until she got it done.

I was so impressed and completely surprised that Abigail cranked it out really quickly. She even threw in an extra compliment for good measure.

1. She cleans when asked.

2 She is kind to others. (not me)

3. She doesn't quit.

4. She likes cool music.

5. She leaves me alone when I ask, which is almost all the time.

6. She loves to play.

7. She is strong willed.

8. She dresses uniquely.

9. She takes charge in doubt.

10. She loves to take care of everything.

11. She is organized.

Later Abigail admitted to me that the way that she came up with the list was to think of all the things that she didn't like about Bella and turn them into a compliment. So, when it said, she dresses uniquely, that started out with she dresses awful. She likes cool music was really that Abigail hates her music, etc, etc.

At Abigail's admission, I could have been defeated, but I realized that even though Abigail thought she had the upper-hand, she didn't. I had just succeeded with a truly inspired exercise in cognitive therapy. I taught Abigail how to change the way she thinks. Isn't that what we all have to do to love our enemies?

Iron Man Rusty and Renegade Renee

My sister Renee's husband suffered a terrible fall two weeks ago. He was trimming a tree and cut his own safety rope and fell approximately 30 feet to the concrete street. It's a miracle he lived. He shattered both of his heels and broke his back. They say that he should be able to walk again in about a year.

Renee gave birth to their fourth child just two days after this horrific accident. Rusty wasn't able to be there. Renee has been so resilient in holding it all together with a newborn and three other kids who had their first day of school today. She has been running around like crazy taking care of everybody. I wish I could be there to give her some rest or figure out how to clone her. She said she is doing great. She just needs to be cut in half so that she can stay with Rusty and take care of her kids at the same time.

Needless to say, I can't get them out of my mind and my worries and my prayers.

Rusty had his first surgery today. Here is the X-ray of his hardware.



Man, I am never gonna mess with Rusty again. He will have two killer weapons in he arsenal. That metal is gonna be like Wolverine. Don't get him mad or it may come shooting out.

Renee and Rusty have been amazing. I am so proud of their resilience and even more proud of their good attitudes.

I asked Rusty how he was doing last week and he told me, "I'm great. If I could just get out of this bed." You know the man is amazing if he is still able to play jokes on you while being confined to a nursing home facility.

He crank called me three times asking if he could take a survey. I about tore his head off for wasting my cell phone minutes. He then called my house phone and I naively hung up on him again. It wasn't until he called from Renee's phone that I even figured out what he was up to. What a jokester. He needs to do phone impersonations for a living. Crazy guy. He does the best Domino's Pizza voice.

The lyrics to a song come to mind, "I get knocked down, and I get up again, ain't nothin' gonna keep me down."

Gender Roles

And, these pictures are here for one purpose.

I want to prove that I am teaching my girls the fine art of being a girl.

Here are all of my girls picking out their desired hair do for the school year.

And, Bella demonstrates how a girl just loves getting her hair shampooed.

While in college, LG and I took a class together called Sociology for the Family. We learned that we shouldn't gender role our kids. For instance, give your daughters toy cars and your sons a baby doll.

I agree to a certain extent, but have been a little relieved that my girls have femininity as well as an ability to hang with the boys. I mean, for example, Abigail can tell you any character in Star Wars, and you know that's not a normal girl thing. Sophia can kill any of your boys at Mario Kart and Bella...well, I can't think of anything for her except for the fact that like her mother, she just doesn't have the energy to deal with the girl drama.

Do you know what my secret wish is? I know it sounds weird, but I would love to have a daughter grow up to be a darling and cute football quarterback. About ten years ago there was one of these girls at a high school in Utah. She was the star quarterback and the Homecoming queen....I just think that is the coolest thing ever. I mean I don't want a daughter to be a quarterback because she wants to look or act like a guy. I want her to be ALL girl and play ball with the best of the boys. And, if you think that is so crazy, please make your comment really really mean. The mean ones seem to rally even more comments.

Well, the purpose of this post. It's my first mom's advice post. And the advice is: don't gender role your kids. But, please remember that you also have to teach them proper femininity/masculinity. And, if you don't believe me, go over and read the latest post by my sister Renee.

This oldie but goodie from The Muppet Show supports my point masterfully.

Oh, and just for a bit of fun.

Here are the lyrics so you can teach your girls

(or boys - I guess)

I enjoy being a girl.

I'm a girl, and by me that's only great!

I am proud that my silhouette is curvy,

That I walk with a sweet and girlish gait

With my hips kind of swivelly and swervy.

I adore being dressed in something frilly

When my date comes to get me at my place.

Out I go with my Joe or John or Billy,

Like a filly who is ready for the race!

When I have a brand new hairdo

With my eyelashes all in curl,

I float as the clouds on air do,

I enjoy being a girl!

When men say I'm cute and funny

And my teeth aren't teeth, but pearl,

I just lap it up like honey

I enjoy being a girl!

I flip when a fellow sends me flowers,

I drool over dresses made of lace,

I talk on the telephone for hours

With a pound and a half of cream upon my face!

I'm strictly a female female

And my future I hope will be

In the home of a brave and free male

Who'll enjoy being a guy having a girl... like... me.

When men say I'm sweet as candy

As around in a dance we whirl,

It goes to my head like brandy,

I enjoy being a girl!

When someone with eyes that smoulder

Says he loves ev'ry silken curl

That falls on my iv'ry shoulder,

I enjoy being a girl!

When I hear the compliment'ry whistle

That greets my bikini by the sea,

I turn and I glower and I bristle,

But I happy to know the whistle's meant for me!

I'm strictly a female female

And my future I hope will be

In the home of a brave and free male

Who'll enjoy being a guy having a girl... like... me.

Sisters

My sisters and I got to share some moments together recently.

Sisters are the best thing EVER.

Three of us peed our pants multiple times from laughing so hard.

(I'll let you guess which ones did the peeing.

I have been told that not everyone wants to share their life story.)

The joys of the incompetent bladder: something only a sister can understand.

Luckily we were out on a jet ski & only had to jump in the water to clean up.

Here is an e-mail forward that I read yesterday. I found it strikingly true.

A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother. As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter

'Don't forget your Sisters,' she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. 'They'll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need Sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them.'

'Remember that 'Sisters' means ALL the women... your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too. 'You'll need other women. Women always do.'

What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman thought. Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!'

But she listened to her Mother. She kept contact with her Sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, Sisters are the mainstays of her life.

Time passes.

Life happens.

Distance separates.

Children grow up.

Jobs come and go.

Love waxes and wanes.

Men don't do what they're supposed to do.

Hearts break.

Parents die.

Colleagues forget favours.

Careers end.

BUT.........

Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach. When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.

Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you...Or come in and carry you out.
Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers,
Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life!

The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other.

Dear Sir South,

Dear Sir South,

Do you think you could do me, your favorite Western transplant, a favor?

Can you please invite some of my favorite features of Western living

to come and visit from time to time?

I would be much obliged, sir.

I just can't be taking 2,000 mile trips whenever I need a fixin'.

I know I ought not complain, but I so miss things from my native land.

I love the you with most of my heart now.

And, I surprised even myself that I missed some things about you while I was away.

But, there are just so many joys of life that are absent here.

I don't think it would be a terrible crime to let some of those things in.

For instance,

I know this Jack in the Box looks scary,

but what harm could he really do while he driving that convertible

and cooking me up some 2 tacos for 99 cents at the same time?

And, I know we have as many icees as we could ever want,

but don't you think it is time they had a little competition?

I think that some slurpees from 7-11 would be the perfect threat/compliment

to our only two flavors: coke and cherry.

Besides I am a Mormon and I can't even drink the coke flavor.

And that cherry stuff is getting a little old.

It's as if you've never heard of the flavors pina colada or orange or grape or

Mountain Dew or Dr Pepper or berry or

.....well, I am sure that you are getting the picture.

This is called real Mexican food.

It is a slice of heaven.

You have not tasted the perfection of combined flavors

until you have tried this mix of pineapple and shrimp!

I know we have some Mexicans living here...

don't you think we could sneak them some recipes

and give them a loan to help them open up shop?

Western Bacon Cheeseburgers....I guess they will have to stay in the West.

Boo hoo.

This is called a covered bus stop.

I know I NEVER ride the bus, so this seems like an odd request, but

it just makes me feel better to see people have a nice comfortable shelter while they wait.

I'm not even going to mention the sidewalk

because you already know how I feel about its absence here.

This is what we call red clay. It's beautiful in its own way.

A cactus. This is the one thing that I really don't have to have.

I just thought that I would add it in for a good measure.

I know that we have a Waffle House,

but do you think that they could somehow hire my dad

and pay him enough to actually make him move out here.

I just love his fried eggs and toast.

Thank you sir.

You know where to find me.

I will anxiously be awaiting your reply.

Alice Gold

Ten Virgins with Children

No, it wasn't immaculate. It was a church play. It was fun.

Guess who was the one with the real Pashmina?

Yeah, that would be me.

A few years back, my sister, Shannon, brought it back for me from Italy.

I told her how beautiful it was and kindly thanked her.
I thought to myself, "When is simple old me ever going to wear something so elegant?"

"It's a darn scarf. I am never going to wear a scarf!

Why couldn't she bring me some wine?"

(not really, because you all know I can't drink that)

So, I tucked the soft and pretty scarf away for a completely improbable day in the future when I would magically transform into a woman with some taste.

Shannon's husband has schooled her in the ways of refinement.

I was not so lucky.

I had to teach my husband to match the color of his shoes to his belt.

And that there are some occasions besides church that it is appropriate to wear something other than jeans or basketball shorts, and a T-shirt.

I grew up in a beach town and LG grew up in a County school in Tennessee.

So, you can imagine that when it comes to the subject of fashion,

we are both somewhat challenged.

But, wow, last week,

I got to pretend that this mother of 3 was not only a virgin,

but that I was also the coolest woman in the play.

You see, I had a real Pashmina.

I felt like a million bucks as the other virgins salivated in envy.

On the way home, I promptly called my sister to give her the much delayed appropriate thanks. You know the kind where there is almost groveling involved.

I somehow had to make up for my lack of excitement from my first little thanks.
I told her, "There's nothing like the jealousy of another woman to make you want to have a little more culture in your life."

I have to tell you that, for me, the sense of belonging to the high life was fleeting.

As soon as I got home, the scarf went right back in the bottom of my drawer.

We wouldn't want my kids to find it, would we?

It may somehow end up in their dress up box

with the fluffy elf costume and Styrofoam knight's armor.

Now, all I can do is hope that our church Christmas party

will be the kind that we all dress up and go back to Jerusalem.

I would love to have a chance to NOT gloat.

Now that I know what a Pashmina is,

I may be able to sensor my pride and play it off,

instead of rubbing it in the face of commoners.

Goodnight Sweet Pup

My sister Renee had ten puppies while we were out in Utah.
They were a huge hit with all of the kids.

Speaking of puppies, I am calling all animal lovers and big burly man lovers!

This Youtube video is so so sweet.
Thanks to Valerie for the informative e-mail.

A Message from Haley

Here is a precious shot of my new niece.

I guess she is going to be a peacemaker.

Tar jay

Where is your favorite place to shop?

The kids were so excited to receive these flashing reflectors from the Target workers at a local National Night Out dinner.

The kids thought that the Target workers were more exciting than the chief of police, a local politician, the mayor, and the head of the FBI.

Who am I to argue?

We know which employees offer a 75% off discount of the dollar spot from time to time.

The People We Went to See

We all survived. Barely.

Can you think of anything better for a person's quest for perfection than spending 4 days with 40 tired and weary reunion going family members?

I can't think of anything more joyful.

Or more trying.

But, you will be pleased to know that there were only a few little spats between the brothers and sisters.

I guess we are all growing up.

Which is quite obvious by the amount of bodies present.

And, it's all because two people fell in love.