Book Review: Gaze Into Heaven

I love this book SO much that I am giving away a copy. 

Leave me a comment with your e-mail address

and tell me which one of your family members 

you are most anxious to meet in the next life

and I will pick one VERY lucky person 

to get their own free copy.

Giveaway closes on Friday the 15th at 11:59 p.m.

Disclaimer: I received a book in exchange for this review

but my opinions are always true and 100% right.

Gaze Into Heaven: Near-Death Experiences in Early Church History
by
Marlene Bateman Sullivan

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This is the best book that
I have read in several years.
It has completely
changed the way

I view my mortal life.

I have sincerely

become a better

person just by

reading this book.

All of my Mormon friends
MUST READ this book.
And even you non-Mormons
will find this absolutely fascinating.

Gaze into Heaven is a book of complied true near death stories organized in a way that is easy to read. Each chapter is a piece of the after-life puzzle answering individual questions like what is a spirit body like and are there cities in paradise? What a wonderful compilation of early church (Mormon) history this is. The stories are eerily similar. Maybe eerily is the wrong word - I found it absolutely testimony building that all the accounts concurred with one another. "By the mouth or two or more witnesses" and witness they did.

These people who died and went to the other side and came back to tell us what they experienced did not know one another, but as I read their accounts I was stunned at the similarities. As I read the pages my life-long fear of dying dissipated. These Mormon pioneers described the freedom they felt as their spirits separated from their bodies, the joy they felt in the world with other kindred spirits, and the peace they felt in their passing and I found myself looking forward to the experience. For me that is a huge breakthrough. I cannot even explain my phobia of dying, its been debilitating at times. I am truly grateful to Marlene for writing this book and helping me have a greater understanding of my life now and into the eternities.

This book has power in its pages. After getting acquainted with just the first few chapters I felt like I was on hallowed ground just viewing the cover. I didn't even have to open it to feel inspired although I did as frequently as was possible in receiving this balm to my soul. These stories are sacred like the temple and I am so grateful they have been shared.

Buy the book in the stores or online at 

Seagull or Deseret Book or Amazon.

Go to Marlene's website to learn more about the author.

Here is one of Marlene's favorite quotes in the book from the experience of Thomas S. Thomas. 

Thomas' story was one of my favorites also.

Thomas describes what he learned in his near-death experience in the spirit world.

"All mental powers were restored. The fond memories of the past returned...your soul is endowed with wisdom and knowledge and filled with everlasting love...Distance is no barrier to transmit thought without instruments, or to travel under your own power. Your vision is magnified there; your future view is plain; desire for knowledge is inexhaustible; you are master of yourself  intelligence is the key to all realms which makes an endless trail to all advancement and is a place of satisfaction and joy to the soul... 

The grand greeting you first receive is from your closest of kin - father, mother, brother and sisters - and all that are near and dear to you who passed from earthly life and arrived in the Great Beyond before you. Your nearest and dearest friends and many others come to greet and converse with you. They ask about the conditions of their kin, those whom you were acquainted with on earth, and all are anxious to learn of their kin's surroundings and conditions. You will find this a great meeting place of all souls, where information is eagerly sought, concerning earth's conditions, by those who have passed from earthly life and are in this stage of existence. These souls are now busy, in the future existence, working in different habitations. Many are from different spheres. All souls are fully enjoying their positions and surroundings. You read from their cheerful countenances a condition of contentment.."

View all my reviews 

My own worst enemy

I've been reading the most excellent book

called

Gaze Into Heaven.

(review coming soon)

It chronicles near-death

experiences of Mormon pioneers

and it has been life altering for me

as I have pondered

the after-life.

What will it be like for

me to meet my maker

and account for mortality?

I really really hope that

the good outweighs the bad.

As I recently talked with a friend

who has anorexia,

we discussed

how we all seem

to just transfer

one bad behavior to the next.

She started struggling with anorexia

when she was overcoming

a spending problem.

I can't seem to be disciplined

enough to stay under budget

while also staying under calorie allotment.

And forget being happy and kind

and under budget and under calorie.

It's going to take me a lifetime

to conquer all of the above

at the same time.

But this morning

while running

I had an epiphany.

It comes from

The Book of Mormon

Mosiah 3:19

19 For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

Like a ton of bricks

it hit me all at once.

My mortal body

is my own worst enemy.

My whole purpose 

on this earth

is to show that my spirit

can be in charge

of my body.

My body is dead

without my spirit.

My spirit (me) is what makes 

me (my body) do or not do anything.

When I struggle with stuff

it's not my spirit,

it's the flesh.

The flesh is naughty.

The spirit is perfect.

They are always at odds

with one another.

"Hey body Alice

quit eating so much."

"Shut up spirit Alice,

you're so goody-goody.

We're gonna

eat drink and be merry til we die."

"Bad idea body Alice,

your spirit

wants to have its glorified form

and it knows a whole lot

more than you do.

I'm smarter.

I'm better

and my whole goal 

is to make you perfect.

I'm in charge

so put that doughnut down.

NOW."

The flesh is weak,

the spirit is strong.

This may seem so simple

to you all,

but it is an epic

principle

that I aim

to use

from now on

when trying to conquer

my transfer of

bad behaviors.

When my flesh is weak

I plan to tap into

that strong strong strong

spirit

and I plan to utilize

the God of all spirits

to help me 

whip that body into shape

more often.

I have that much.

Faith is important to me.

I've discussed it before

here, here, here, and here.

Faith has carried me through a lot of stuff.

One of those above links

was when my husband failed the bar exam.

That was tough.

Here is how faith

influenced me

as a small child.

The story is also

a fun reminiscence

of my crazy dad

and how he jimmy-rigged

and stole (I mean borrowed)

a truck to get our

station wagon out of the mud.

So my latest trial of faith may be the hardest trial I've ever faced. It's not something I can really blog about because to reveal it would not be fair to others, but it's tough. Trust me, it's really tough, so tough I can't talk about it on my blog. ( And you all know I talk about everything from moobs, my body, crying myself to sleep, and even the horrible botched farce on breastfeeding.) So it's tough and it reminds me that everyone is fighting their own hard battle, whether or not they share it.

Anyhow, I was praying about this trial last week. It was one of those big prayers in my life that I will always remember. For me it was huge on two levels. It was huge because I decided to do it after a long prideful prayer hiatus. {shame on me} And it was huge because I poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father as though he really was my Father listening and that He cared and that He would help me. I bawled like a baby and questioned, "Why?" Even if we aren't supposed to ask "why", I did. (This is one of my favorite addresses on trusting in the Lord and talks about not asking why) I needed to know WHY does this have to be my life when I have tried so very hard for the last 20 years to do everything right for God.

The answer came (like it always does eventually) two-fold. The answer was first a thought in my mind. "I have this trial so I will pray." This trial is so hard that it always brings me to my knees out of desperation and God allows this in my life because He knows I will be happier with Him in my life.

The second answer came from the words out of my own mouth.

"Father, you've said in your scriptures that if we have the faith of a mustard seed, we can move mountains. Well, I sometimes struggle with my faith, but I know I have that much. I have at least as much as a mustard seed."

I saw in my mind, my Father in Heaven, the most omnipotent being ever. All knowing, all powerful, and all loving, he let go of his embrace from this wailing child, he nodded at me and said, "Yes, you do. Well done. Now hold on Alice, we're gonna move this mountain on my time."

Faith is my greatest treasure. I hope I always keep at least a mustard seed worth.

Thanks to the book Cold Sassy Tree for another take on faith and answered prayers.
{SPOILER ALERT}



I'll publish my book review on Cold Sassy Tree next week.
It's a new all time favorite.


Here is some spiritual enlightenment on how to use the supernal gift of prayer. Really really good stuff.

The power of words

If ever I can get through college
and earn that super coveted
Bachelor of Arts
I would like to teach English
so that I can have the summers off
with my kids.
And someday I will also write
my novel
and use the education
to help me.

Until then,
I can just ponder
on the power of words
and why I love them so much.

PepTalk

Thanks to the kid-president
 for my pep-talk today.
I needed this.
Just two days ago I vowed to myself
to stay off facebook this week,
but right now I am really glad
that my self-will is weak
so that I could find this
in my hour of need.
Whenever I need a pep-talk
the most, it's always out there for me to find.

 

For the past week,
I've been venturing back
into the college world.
My meeting with my
English Department counselor
was discouraging.
I have to retake the ACT,
which scares this girl
with an extreme case of math/science
aversion to DEATH.
It's not like I did so smoking hot
the first time
and it is like I've been out of
school for 10 years.
Who knew an ACT expired?
Yes, I am that old.

To add an extra measure
of anxiety,
the aforementioned meeting
with the counselor
ran a little late
making me 10 minutes
late to pick up Caroline
from pre-school.
I had to use some of
my very protected blogging money
to buy the pre-school teacher
a gift-card to go along
with my begging for forgiveness.

You see, she had loaded up Caroline
in her car so she could
take her daughter to kindergarten
as I was that late.
Lucky for me
our vans converged at the
end of her street
and I was able to fetch Caroline
before she was whisked away
from my knowledge.
Whereas my total nervous
breakdown was avoided by a hair,
but left me second guessing
my decision to go back to college.
How can a mom of 4
ever pull this off?
Really it seems impossible.
It seems too insane to even attempt.
My plates are already overflowing
like thanksgiving at 2 p.m.
Do I really want to add pie
before I've had time
for the rest to digest?

But the kid president came to my rescue.
For which I am grateful.
I can do this.
Yes I can.
I'm gonna dance myself
all the way through
to that very coveted Bachelor Degree.
Or at least pretend
it's dancing
when it really will be me
running around
like a chicken with my head cut off.
Come to think of it,
that's kind of what my dancing looks like
anyways
might as well get something for it.

Book Review: Before the Dawn

Before the Dawn by Dean Hughes
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I forgot how much I love Dean Hughes as an author. I haven't read anything of his in quite sometime, but I am so glad that I found this book at the local library. It was so touching and inspiring.

This historical fiction book, even though focused on the LDS women's organization called Relief Society, can be enjoyed by people of all faiths. The greater story told is the power of womanhood, and the importance of community: loving and caring for one another. Community works best when it consists of people who all want to give but are willing to humble themselves to take once in a while too.

I cried a lot while reading this book. I took an emotional journey with the fictional small Utah town during the Great Depression. I personally related to the main character: a hard-nosed independent stick her foot in her mouth Relief Society President. In the book she was described by a friend as a coconut: all hard on the outside but all milk/meat on the inside. I also related a lot to many of the other women in the book: the ones living in poverty, the ones living with means, and especially the ones living in desperation.

Mostly this book made me proud to be a part of the greatest women's organization in the world: The Relief Society. It reminded me of so much good that is accomplished world-wide and it brought to the surface of my heart all the good that has been done in my personal life because of my associations with good women.

I highly recommend this book to be read by all women everywhere. I love how Hughes always ties in his historical facts so well. I mostly love how he masterfully tells stories of humanity. The characters in this book will stay with me for a long time. I hope they will whisper to me in the moments when I need to be reminded to let down my pride, to reach out and help others, and especially when I need to try and understand better my enemies.

View all my reviews

A God of Grace

I try to apply

a good

Southern saying

into my life

daily.

It helps.

A lot.

For instance:

when your 13-year-old

has lost yet one more thing.

This time it's a $30

memory card

that holds all of her photos

for photography class.

You worry that she's never

going to be organized enough

to get into college.

You start to edge out onto

the cliff of anger

and desperation

and are about to go crazy

with the lecture

and the screaming,

but you take a step back

and pray

instead.

God's got this.

See how that works?

Worry.

Gone.

Just like that.

It works on the big things too.

Like when you are on the verge

of divorce

because your husband

has quit functioning

all together

(I can say this

because it has been years now)

and you can't go another day

with a broken man.

God's got this.

And he did.

And it wasn't up to me.

It never is.

I am not the healer.

I do not control anyone

or anything.

All I can control is me

and my choice to be happy.

That's it.

And the best way to be happy

is to know

God's got this.

Because he always does.

The sense of a goose

I've been watching

The Canadian Geese

for several weeks now.

The seem to want to follow me

wherever I go.

On my run, at my house, on my errands.

They just keep coming.

I love to hear their honking greetings

and watch them change up their formations.

Call me weird.

That's what my kids do.

One of them said the other day,

"Mom. what's your fascination with the geese?"

I answered, "I don't know

they are just so beautiful,

and we are lucky their flight

patterns go through here."

The other day 

while having a particularly hard married day

(oh c'mon, you have those too),

I was on the phone with a friend.

Outside of Wal-Mart,

crying a bit, is where I stood.

Pondering life.

While getting my pep talk,
tears were flowing freely.

I was in a place of major frustration.

Why?
was running through my head and heart
repeatedly.

Why does it not seem to matter

how hard we try?

Why can we not just arrive

where we need to be?

Why do I have to keep working so hard

just to be beat down

again and again?

Let down.

Again.

and

again.

I watched a large group of geese

and another.

Cried on.

Chatted on.

And then God sent me a sign.

In the form of two straggling geese.

They were all by themselves,

braving the big skies

without their group of friends.

They seemed to be in a hurry.

I instantly remembered a story I read

years ago.

It was titled

"why do we not have the sense of a goose?"

It taught that geese mate for life.

If the mate goes down for whatever reason,

so does its mate.

Couldn't we have more loyalty as humans?

I looked up at those determined geese

and wondered of their story.

Then I heard God's voice.

It said,

"Keep going,

don't give up,

you may fall down,

he may fall down

but just like those geese,

you'll get there

eventually.
Go the right direction.

Together.

Who cares

if every single other pair

of geese get there ahead of you.

All I need you to do

is

get here."

Be like a Bee

I have a fascination with honey bees.
Remember this old post
when I took my camera into the shower to photograph them?
Good times back in Knoxville.

Anyhow,
When M. Russell Ballard
gave this address
entitled
Be Anxiously Engaged
during General Conference,
I was delighted to listen.

Today I went outside with my camera
to try and capture something beautiful.
Why not the honeybees across the street?

It's pretty powerful to think about what we can accomplish when we all focus on the things of God,

even if we, like the bees, each just produce our 1/12th of  a teaspoon it will be more than enough.

On another bee note. 

The BYU documentary that I just saw for the first time on Sunday also inspired me to do more for others.

I love so many metaphors from this documentary but perhaps the one the most lovely is that bees use white clover (a normally discarded weed) as their food-source. The bees see the clover like no one else does.

 If I live my whole life and accomplish all that I wanted it will be in vain if I can't look at every other person I meet and see the white clover inside of them.

Fat

Fat is a nasty word.
The only time it should be used is in regards to the stuff on the backside of a butchered pig.
Fatback is the only time when fat is a good thing.
And what a good thing it is.
Just ask the green beans.

I've been called fat. A lot. It sucks.
After watching this video on facebook yesterday, I was perplexed.


I offered the following on my page as a passive aggressive response to a few people I know who judge "fat people."

"I hate it when physically in-shape people look down upon those who aren't. I hate to tell you this, but you're not superior, especially in regards to the things that matter most: kindness and appreciation for others wherever they are in life is a learned art and maybe you should get off the treadmill long enough to take some lessons. I don't experience as much prejudice in this department as I used to, but it sure makes my blood boil whenever I encounter it."

The funniest thing about my above rant is that I got all kinds of people, my friends mind you, apologizing to me for the way that I had been treated. Why did they apologize? Because they think I am fat and that I have reason to be apologized to. Kind of ironic, huh? I never mentioned that I had been treated badly, did I? In fact, I hadn't had any teasing at all, I only posted the comment in defense of others and in opposition to the people out there looking down on this lady. I've actually been feeling pretty good about the way I am looking until yesterday. HA.

Well as you, who read my blog, know I'm on a journey of self-discovery. I've learned to love myself and I am still learning to take care of myself. I all too well know the life of this anchor. I know what it is like to be raising 3 young daughters (and she has a full-time job to boot) and to feel the stress and eat too much and exercise too little. I also know what it's like to get off my butt and count calories. I also know what it's like to have a propensity to being larger as a child and as an adult.

I also know what it's like to lose a nephew and to know that in his last week on this earth he was called fat by some mean little girls and that the word F A T may have been racing through his mind in his last breathe. It breaks my heart. Absolutely makes me shed tears. Right now in fact.

Yes, people are fat, but trust me, they know it. You pointing it out to them, or looking down on them, or even apologizing for others' fat name callers to someone who has recently lost 35 pounds doesn't really help the situation and it doesn't really motivate people to be better.

Do you know what motivates people to be better? Loving them wherever they are. Loving them right where they are. Even if it's at 700 pounds. Anyone who has watched Richard Simmons should know this fact.


Do you know why loving them helps? Because the reason they are fat is that they don't love themselves enough. Period. Or maybe they have a health condition? Or maybe they are just a husky kid that could eventually be a college football star if they live long enough to pursue that goal? The point being: You don't know what they are capable of, if all you see is F A T. And you will also never know the beauty of loving people in their weakness if you can't see past it. You don't even know what scars are under the fat.

If you can love F A T people then maybe they can learn to love themselves. And if you can love them F A T, maybe they will love you in your weakness.

See how that works? Well, yeah, you do kind of have to admit your own weakness first. Maybe you could start with judging,  lack of charity, or complete and total PRIDE?

Book Review - Daring Greatly

This is a paid for review as part of BlogHer BookClub.

Getting paid to read a book that I would have been 

snatching off the shelf anyhow is a very proud moment for me.

Do you want to change the world?

Do you want to have more powerful interpersonal relationships?

Do you want to explore into your own soul 

to make sense of your life?

Do you want to live whole-hearted?

Do you want to rid yourself from shame?

Do you want to understand men and women better?

Do you want to give your heart a hug?

I thought I would do something different this time and give you a list of questions for this book review. This book is so jam-packed with the "hard stuff" that I don't even want to dare pretend that I get it all. I will be reading it repeatedly until I have absorbed and memorized every nugget of wisdom. I wish every other person on the planet would do the same. It would seriously bring world peace and most certainly would give everyone inner peace. I'm not kidding, It's that powerful.

I was proud to be a part of this book campaign. I was thrilled. I mean I jumped up and down when I got the e-mail confirmation and cooked a fancy dinner for my family when it arrived in the mail. I have been pouring over its pages and sharing parts with my hubby every chance I get. I have compromised my facebook relationships with the overabundance of quotes from this book. I just can't stop. It's too totally amazing not to share. YOU HAVE TO READ THIS BOOK. If you don't want to buy your own copy, borrow mine. I can't share it though for at least another month until I have it memorized.

I had a powerful experience at work last night, using the principles learned in this book. I was substitute teaching a class at the therapeutic boarding school where I work. I gave the kids a reward for every half an hour of hard work. We listened to a song of their choice (with my approval). One boy chose a powerfully emotional song about a girl who wanted to be with her dying boyfriend forever. I loved it. Another boy in the class didn't. He started to shame the song choice kid. I stopped him and talked with the whole class about "shaming" and talked with them about giving people space to be who they are, even if they are wrong or different. I then turned to the shamer, and told him how much I loved him and admired him and that I would hope other people would give him space to love what he loved. He got teary-eyed. He turned to the other kid and said, "Dude, I am so sorry, I don't like that song, but it's cool if you do."

World peace, people. World peace.

A huge thanks to marriage counselor friend John Morgan who turned me on to Brene Brown just months ago. He shared with me her talks from Ted. I was hooked. Brene is a researcher and has a PHD and LMSW. Her life's work is shame and vulnerability. Here are her videos. Watch them both. Come back if you have to. They will make you understand why you need to read this book. Even if you aren't into that psychological mumbo-jumbo, you need to be.

Where Jesus Eats

My friend Amanda is an amazing person. I mean an AMAZING person. I feel so privileged that not only did our paths cross while I lived in Tennessee, but that we became good friends. She, like many other Tennesseans, is exceptionally spiritual and extraordinarily kind.

Back in the beginning of 2012 (yes this post has been sitting in my inbox for that long) Amanda won a contest put on by a local radio station.

"What would she do with 500 chicken

 sandwiches from Chick-Fil-A?" 

Her winning answer will tell you much more about the kind of person Amanda is than I ever could.

"Distribute them to the homeless in Knoxville."

It was no surprise that her answer won from all the entries. Chick-fil-A is well known as a Christian establishment and I am sure whoever chose the winner of the contest, chose correctly in Amanda. The homeless population is extremely high in K-town.

Here is a photo from back in February, of Amanda's three kids handing out sandwiches. 

Amanda explained to me that she had romanticized the whole thing thinking she could pray with each individual and tell them that people cared about them.

Instead her mini-van was mobbed until every last scrap was gone (including her kids lunchbox leftovers) in only a minute and that they were then asked to leave by The Salvation Army who informed them that they were breaking some kind of law.

Amanda and I exchanged an e-mail the other day. I wanted to make sure she was still o.k. with me writing about her experience after all the backlash Chick-Fil-A had received lately. Here is her response,

"Thanks for reminding me of promises, I'd made 6 months ago. It's so easy to let our personal busy take over and not do good on the follow-through. I don't mind a bit if you blog about it and I'm not worried about any backlash. God's got this and He will get all the glory. What we did with Chick-Fil-A was not a publicity or political statement it was a chance to love on people in a very real, practical way." I just LOVE that Amanda. I love how much she cares for others. I love how much she gives her life to others. I love that she is always actively looking for ways to help others and that she goes around constantly making promises to God, even if it will be hard to keep them. I love it that her "fail" is mightier than anyone else's "success."

Real quick I wanted to share a funny story that Amanda told me:

This weekend I was privileged to spend 3 days with our Middle School Ministry at our church.  We had this incredible speaker, Acton Bowen.  Acton is a past youth minister, speaker, and Christian correspondant for Fox News.  He was talking about meeting with one of his friends who was a member of the Black Ops team in the US Armed forces and telling of his many missions.  Acton said that they met at Chick-Fil-a which is "where Jesus eats".

You all can hate on a place because of their stance on gay marriage, that is your prerogative, but please realize that this restaurant is a lot like Amanda. They are always doing a whole lot of good. Oh, and their food is also like Amanda too:
A - MAZ - ING!

Here are a few other good recent news stories about Chick-Fil-A.

Here is a recent car-line in Waynesboro, VA taken by my cousin Jarrett. Chick-fil-A had committed a good portion of their profits to the family of Ethan Blevins, who had recently passed from leukemia complication.

How about the time they opened their doors with free meals to police officers after the Colorado movie theater shootings?

As for me? I love my gay friends. I truly do.
But I want to eat where Jesus eats
and I hope they can be o.k. with it.

For some chick-fil-a funny,
check out this old post.

You're Beautiful

I've been struggling for months.
I couldn't pin-point what was going on.
I thought it was just part of the grief of losing my nephew,
and it partially was, but it started before we lost Braxton.
I was angry.
I just got angrier.
For months I didn't want to pray.
I didn't want to go to church.
I didn't want to read the scriptures.
I just wanted to stew,
and get angrier about all the unfairness of life.

I spent a night at the cabin with a few friends last week,
and we took the time to have a honest share with one another.
I was floored by the experience.
Just a few moments of humble and honest self-reflection
completely turned me around.

I was able to see a part of me that I already identified long ago.
I was able to see the part of me that went straight
to pride and anger
as to protect myself from the hurt or disappointment.

I was angry because I felt like I could never measure up.
I was angry that people around me didn't appreciate me.
I was angry because I didn't want to need God.
I was angry because I was hurt.
I was sad, so I was angry.
My subconscious thinks it's easier to be angry.
But it's not.
Pride is destructive.
Anger is a form of pride.

After two seconds of honest reflection,
I immediately felt God telling me it's o.k.
I am just human doing the best I can.
He wasn't mad at me.
He was glad that I finally figured it out.
I don't need to be angry.
I need to be vulnerable
and let God heal.

I most of all needed to re-understand that
I am not alone.
We all need God.
We all need to be told that we are beautiful.

 

40 pounds

Our landlord came over today.

We've never met in person before.

The only place she has ever seen me

is on my blog.

Coincidentally, my blog is how she

decided to rent to us last April.

She walked in the house

and said,

"Wow, you look so different than I expected.

You look so different than your blog."

I said,

"I've lost forty pounds since that blog photo."

Then she said she could really tell

and that I should update my photo.

I decided to do a little experiment and take a photo to compare.

I do believe there is a difference.

A toddler size difference.

The side by side was validation

for all that running

and calorie counting.

I so wish I could have a baby without gaining

that forty pounds back.

But, I am grateful for the knowledge 

that my parents raised me to have.

Family is what matters most.

And guess what?

I have a family that loves me

no matter what size I am.

And I have four wonderful children

who are extremely grateful to me

for not placing my appearance

at such a high priority that

they were completely erased

from this world.

I know of many women

who determine their self-worth

by size.

I want you all to know

that I was just as important 

to my God, my husband, and my children

in that before picture.

And I will keep that picture on my blog,

even though I can now change it out for a skinnier version

because I love me

and I love that those old pounds represent

the time I spent with my children

and the months I gave to growing them inside of me

instead of obsessing at the gym

to please people in a world that

have screwed up priorities.

Yes, I feel a million times better

now that I exercise regularly

and eat healthier.

And yes there are women

out there who look great

and can have babies and go back to 

pre-baby size the day after birth.

Yes, there are women who

are healthy and not unhealthily obsessed with their weight.

Yes, yes, yes.

But me, I am probably going to gain my

forty pounds back

and I will probably gain more back after

the next baby is born

because having a newborn is stressful to me

and I get so tired

and choose to take care of my kids

over myself.

I may do better this time

as I have made great progress in 

the taking care of me category.

Or I may not.

But in the end,

I will have made the choice that matters most.

And that makes me happy

with the before and after pictures.

Adds Pounds

I copied this off of a friend's facebook.

It portrays perfectly

how we let society influence

our sub-consciousness.

I've lost about 40 pounds in the past year

and I've been feeling pretty good about myself.

Not because I'm skinnier

but because I am healthier and stronger.

And then I got pregnant.

Happens every time.

It's a good thing I don't let society

tell me what to do.

Or I probably would have stopped a few kids ago

or at least at #4 when I was 36.

I miss you my bloggy friends.

I think I am going to start blogging more.

It seems to help me through pregnancy

and the newborn blues.

I look to you

I love this song. It's an old Whitney Houston number
and was recently redone on Glee.
After hearing it on my i-pod yesterday,
I've been searching it out on youtube.
I want to send it to my brother
who recently lost his son Braxton.
(I can't type that last sentence
without my eyes welling up in tears)

I've been through some hard things in my life.
I've been diagnosed with a mental illness,
I've lived through serious poverty,
I've come within a hair from losing my marriage,
I've experienced cruel prejudices,
I've struggled with my weight,
and I've lost people I've loved.

But right now nothing hurts more than Braxton.
Even though I didn't spend as much time
with him as I would have preferred
(due to living in poverty half a world away
in Tennessee for a decade)
I loved that kid.
He was a complex mixture of the best of his mom and dad.
He was so compassionate (mom) and determined (dad).
He was so funny (dad) yet smart (mom).
Ha ha. O.k. he could have gotten both of those from both of his parents.
He had an infectious smile (mom and dad).
He was the life of the party (his aunt ali) :)
He was and is such a good kid.
The kind of kid that anyone would be proud to call their own.

We all love and miss him so,
and are left with such a huge hole in our hearts,
as we try to make sense of his passing.

I worry for my brother and his family every day,
and I simultaneously try to soothe my own pain.
Every day I send my brother a little message on facebook
to uplift, inspire, strengthen, and happy-make.
It's been amazing to me how much that little act has been the best balm for me.
Sometimes I end up searching online for hours for just the right thing,
but for those hours I am finding little gems to my own soul.

Like this song.
Wow.
What a great reminder to where we need to look.
In all our troubles.
I can honestly say that God is the only way I've survived.
And I proudly say that I have done more than survive.
I have flourished under his tutelage.

I love this singer's journey to her own health.
It really does boil down to the fact
"I can do all things through God whom strengtheneth me."
I know that if my brother and his family know anything,
it is to look to God for their strength.
They do such an amazing job at it.
I'm so grateful they have their God.
And I am so grateful that they are my constant reminder
to look to Him too.

Singing in the rain

When it rains, it pours.

I am sitting in the hospital with my dad right now.

He's been here for 5 days.

He's on the upswing and I am so grateful.

I am extremely grateful for my wonderful husband

who tells me

"Go, I'll take care of everything."

A few weeks ago,

our family lost

my nephew Braxton.

He's dancing in heaven now,

where I imagine 

he can choose the weather.

Sitting down to my laptop this morning

I am happy to find these old photos.

What a great reminder that

sometimes

the best time to dance and sing

is when it rains.

True Joy

Evan and Leah Wampler are friends of ours in Kingsport, TN.

They had little baby Liam a while back.

He weighed just a pound and has been confined to the NICU

for many long weeks

as he grows strong enough to meet the outside world.

Our prayers have been mighty on behalf of Liam

and we have been so pleased that

by the grace of God he has grown and developed.

The wonderful world of facebook 

has kept us updated every step of the way.

Leah posted this picture the other day.

It had the caption

Evan feeding Liam with a bottle for the first time.

It struck me profoundly.

What a beautiful beautiful moment.

How many times have I fed my four children

and never gave it a moment's notice?

This photo so perfectly depicts 

one of the way God works in our mortal journey.

It's a hard lesson to swallow

yet so necessary:

God lets us suffer

so that we can truly enjoy the non-suffering.

If we didn't know the pain,

we couldn't enjoy the joy.

I am so grateful for all the hard times I have endured

because those hard times

make my normal and even somewhat insignificant life

seem like such a miracle every day.

Thank you God

for my trials

and for Liam.

Boundaries

Abigail is gonna kill me for sharing this photo.

I'd like to entitle it

For The Love of Bacon.

This girl can actually out-eat her mom

when it comes the Western Bacon Cheeseburgers.

She also happened to get Straight A's last term.

It was a big deal

because we didn't require it of her 

or offer any rewards or anything.

She just decided she could apply herself better

and she did.

We were so proud.

But, this post isn't about that.

I just wanted to explain why I bought 

her a Western  Bacon Cheeseburger.

We were celebrating

her awesomeness.

She makes us so proud

in so many ways.

I had a profound experience yesterday

and while I was just showering it dawned on me

that I was able to apply the lessons I have learned

about boundaries.

It also donned on me that boundaries

are really just agency.

God has taught us all about agency.

I thought about how so many people don't get how 

to utilize the principle of agency in their lives.

They let people intrude on their agency

and they intrude on others' agency without knowing it.

Yesterday I dropped Abigail off at a Valentine's Party.

It was at the home of a boy that I don't know at all.

When I dropped her off, 

I walked her in and met some of the kids.

I was especially interested in the host.

He explained that their chaperon 

for the night was his 25 year old brother.

I immediately cringed and questioned,

"Is he a good 25 year old brother or 

is he the kind that is going to buy you beer as soon as I turn my back?"

The kid's reaction was very telling.

He looked shocked and said, "No way, he's not that kind."

I reminded Abigail to have fun.

I silently checked to make sure I had covered 

all the lecture bases on the way over.

Don't go anywhere alone. Check.

If there is anything inappropriate 

and I find out later that you didn't call 

with the key emergency word 

which means to come and get you now 

then you will not be trusted 

to go to other parties in the future.

Check.

You do remember the emergency word?

You do remember what things are inappropriate?

Yes mom. I know.

But I still had an uneasy feeling.

I sat out in the car and texted Abigail and told her how I felt.

I asked her if she would go in the bathroom 

and pray about whether or not I should leave her there.

She texted back and said "I am staying."

I then went to the neighbor across the street 

that showed signs of a bunch of kids living there 

and questioned them if they thought I could trust this boy and his brother.

They assured me that they were "good people."

I prayed and felt o.k. and then I called LG and he said he felt alright.

So I drove home.

Later in the evening, when we got the low down from Abigail 

about the party I asked her,

"Did you really go in the bathroom and pray?"

She surprised me and said, 

"Yes I did mom, and I felt o.k. about staying."

I was floored. Was she just telling me what I wanted to hear?

I do believe she was telling me the truth.

I thought about that this morning.

I thought about how I didn't intrude on my daughter's agency.

I thought about how I acted like God.

I was a concerned parent, I communicated those concerns,

but then I laid the decision making where it belonged:

in my daughter's lap.

I thought about how I was proud 

that I had taught her how to pray 

and listen for the still small voice to communicate with her.

LG and I have taught her to go to the ultimate source of wisdom:

not him and I, but to our loving and all-knowing God.

I then thought of all my friends who control their kids.

Who don't let them utilize agency.

Who don't allow them to grow and learn.

Which in turn keeps them from seeking out God in their lives.

And also in turn makes them want to rebel against being controlled.

I thought even deeper about why God gives us agency.

He wants us to learn to be like Him.

He doesn't want to control us.

Because He knows that would make us resentful.

He has a perfect knowledge of boundaries,

and he doesn't intrude on our boundaries.

And he doesn't let us intrude on His.

Agency was awesome last night.

I am sure there will be days when my kids will choose wrong,

and I will dislike agency,

but I will come back to this post

and remember this incident

and know that agency is vital

and that agency is awesome

because it's only the agency

that we can see our kids grow up

and make their own great decisions.

Don't control people.

Do this.

"Teach them correct principles and let them govern themselves."