I'm a Tennessee Mormon

So, we're moving back to Utah.

I am experiencing a full spectrum of emotions.

I am sad yet happy.

I am depressed yet hopeful.

I am relieved yet stressed.

I am excited yet contemplative.

I have been planning and organizing yet reflecting and pondering.

No wonder why I just want to stay in bed all day.

My mind and body are exhausted, and I haven't even started cleaning or packing.

We love our home in Knoxville, Tennessee.

We especially love being members of

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

in Tennessee.

Our fellow church members are close-knit.

It becomes cliche,

but we really are

family.

One great big family.

We have to stick together.

As we are attacked on all sides.

The other inhabitants of

The Bible belt

actually believe all kinds of falsehoods

about us.

So,

we are very much a refuge

for one another.

The Garbage

While in marriage counseling a while back the subject of garbage became a stumbling block. I complained that he knew it was his job and that he never did it. This was my complaint in general. I was begging for my husband to do his part.

Imagine my surprise when LG answered the counselor's question of why he didn't take the garbage out if he knew it was his job. "She always does it first. She never gives me a chance." What?? I felt betrayed. How many times had I run out to the meet the garbage man in my underwear, like my newest favorite blogger? Yes, there were many times that I just went ahead and did it after school the day before so that I wouldn't forget, but there were also many more that I didn't do it all because I hoped he would, and he didn't. In fact, he may have done it once without my reminder. Once in 12 years.

So, marriage counseling became our tool to reveal the truth. The truth was somewhere in the middle. I took the garbage out too much and he didn't enough. Wow. What a revelation.

Loving me

I have learned something about myself.

Most people may have the same problem.

I am a lifelong sufferer of not loving myself.

For many reasons I have never felt worthy of true love.

Lately, I have been getting in touch with the reasons.

Many have validity and many don't.

I have taken these things to my God.

I have come to peace with them.

And I have felt God's loving arms around me.

And He says he loves me.

And now I can say I love me too.

I hope I can love me more.

Three-stepping

As many of you know, I have been in an intensive 12 step study.

My class has been specifically for codependence.

Through this class and working the 12 steps, I have personally experienced God's healing hand.

I wish everyone could feel the peace and power that I have.

It has been hard work, but worth every step and every tear.

I wanted to share the first three steps in abbreviation.

1-I can't do this anymore.

2- God can.

3- I think I will let Him.

I have learned that I will be "three-stepping" for the rest of my life. It can be a one step occurrence, but in that one step, we figure out that we can hand ourselves over to God's care. And when we do it, it feels so good that we want to keep doing it. This simple concept actually works. It works miracles.

LG asked me last week how I had become the zen master. He wanted to know what I had done with his wife. I am living in a state of peace. And that's not like me. Not like me at all.

How did I do it? I let God do it for me! For the first time in my life, I learned how to hand my whole self over. The 12 steps taught me how to get past myself. I literally had to take myself out as the boundary between God and me. Taking out the unhealthy Alice gave God the power to emerge a whole new creature. My new creature knows how to trust. And she places her trust in God. Because why place my trust in anything else? God is the one who is all powerful. Before I thought I could pretend to be Him; I tried to control the universe. And all I was doing was getting in God's way.

I can't believe my mouth. It is constantly saying things like this:

God's got my back.

God knows what's best.

God can deal with that.

God won't let me suffer anything that isn't absolutely necessary.

God loves me.

God will bless me.

And I believe all of these things with all my heart. Because God showed me how to trust.

So when you see a US coin, and it has a simple little message in it. "In God we trust." Know that those four words really do hold all power to your happiness.

You probably think that you already trust God. I sure didn't think that I wasn't trusting God adequately. At 21, I turned my whole life over to be a full-time missionary. Hadn't I got married to who He told me to marry? I had kids way earlier than I wanted to because He told me to. I kept the commandments to the best of my ability. I went to church every Sunday. I paid a full tithe. I prayed and studied scripture.

But it was all mechanical. And I was a mess. Because when the mortgage wasn't going to get paid, I fretted. When the kids fought, I felt like a failure. When I couldn't really be there for people like I thought I should, I couldn't deal with it. When people were unkind to me, I fell apart. When I didn't get my way, I would be angry.

And now, you can slap me in my face, and I will praise my God for giving me a face and you a hand. And I will know that if you walk away from me forever I can stand on my own two feet because God will hold them in place.

And that is the power of three stepping. In God I trust. And you just can't believe how good God really is. He wants to hold me and comfort me and make me happy. He doesn't want to tell me what I am doing wrong. He wants me to know how everything He created in me, was by His hand and for His purposes.

I have learned this concept of trusting in the Lord my whole life. It had specific relativity in 1994 when I met my husband while we were both missionaries, yet he had a girlfriend waiting for him at home. I knew he was my husband yet there was nothing I could do but keep serving my mission and hope for the best. I couldn't even talk to LG about it because missionaries don't date. I read this message over and over. You would think I would have gotten the hang of trusting then, but I didn't completely.

It wasn't until I went back to the little girl Alice and convinced her that trusting was the right thing to do, that I could give my whole self over. Somehow the little girl Alice who had been disappointed or neglected or let down wouldn't let the grown up Alice let go.

But the little girl Alice and her 37 year old counterpart have finally come together because of God's power. And the only way I could make it happen was by letting God do it for me.

Can you tell I am in a really good place right now?

Trusting is phenomenal. And I just learned how to spell that word this morning. It took me 15 minutes of searching online. Phenomenal is a great way to feel.

Trust = phenomenal.

If you aren't feeling phenomenal, then ask yourself what is keeping you from trusting? And go back to that time and place and tell yourself to trust in God. He's got your back. Really.

Facebook - January 2011

My friend Kathy had an excellent idea.

None of you will probably read this, but I thought this would be a great way of recording my state of mind on a monthly basis.

1/1 Graffiti - Welcome to Knoxville TN. Our roads suck and so do our red traffic lights.

1/2 My year in Status - It was a hard year, but even hard years are worth living.

1/3 14 books in 2 months...not bad at all...I'm almost feeling proud of myself.

1/4 Ahhhh...peace and quiet. And the kids haven't even gone back to school. I love 2011.

1/4 Ritalin is a miracle drug. I wonder if they make something like if for people without ADD...oh yeah, it's called speed...where can I get some? I want to be as productive as (to remain anonymous) has been in the last week.

1/4 We enjoyed downtown Knoxville withy my kids and in-laws today. Movie at the TN Theater, dinner at Market Square, and ended if off with the Sunsphere. I guess we won't have any regrets if we end up having to move when LG gets his dream job...I do want to go to some Civil War sites. Anyone have any favorites?

1/5 the whole family is reading b4 bed tonight...from classic scarlett letter 2 robert jordan all the way dwn to 39 clues, the tales of beatle bard and roald dahl...back to schl tomorrow...sometimes I wish we all could just read at home.

1/7 picture of Sonic smoothie - mama's treat for doing daddy's morning duty.

1/7 picture of local newspaper foreclosures. Sign of bad economy: 6 pages of foreclosures in KnoxNews.

1/7 Would anyone like a free dog? We got her from the shelter last year and she is house trained and great with kids. She is about 2 years old, 12 lbs. and part chihuahua. She loves to walk/jog (she runs FAST), and is great with other dogs (she prefers dogs bigger than her). We will give you her kennel also.

1/7 Just saw True Grit....wondering how it got such good reviews...I can't hande such graphics...yuck

1/8 We are not defined by what happens to us, but prepared. (not sure who said it but it's true)

1/9 I am grateful for a yankee superintendent who doesn't call off school for snow until the snow is actually falling...I am hoping that my kids get to go to school tomorrow because this mom needs some quiet time. LOL

1/10 I haven't shoveled that much lovely powder since the Winter of '02 when we still lived in Utah. Man, I wish I could go skiing.

1/11 NNNNNOOooooo, not ANOTHER snowday!!! At least when my kids r home 4 a month at a time in the summer, we can leave the house.

1/13 its mamas night to be alone but of course I'm going to hang w my sisters at church

1/14 toasted whole wheat bread with peanut butter, bananas and marshmallow fluff washed down with a glass of 1% milk and I don't even have any healthy food resolutions.

1/14 one of my friends just wrote "sick" as their status update and I almost hit the "like" button until I realized that could be construed as mean.

1/14 is anyone up for a girls night out tonight?

1/14 Call me old school, but I will always be a Scorpio and Pluto is still a planet.

1/15 I am writing a searchless and moral inventory...good stuff.

1/16 So so interesting. I can't stand reading the perfect Mormon Mommy blogs nor can I stand reading the ones written by completely negative haters, but it seems that these are the kind of blogs that get read the most.

1/17 is calculating cost of living in different parts of the country...wish I could somehow get back to sunny California, but I am not sure there is room there for a conservative like me.

1/18 I must read The Scarlett Letter.

1/19 I am LOVING Steven Tyler and JLO. After last season's fiasco with Ellen DeGeneras. I am so happy that I will be able to watch the whole American Idol season this year.

1/19 Best moment of the night on AI: the twin brother in tears. Everyone should have someone who loves that much.

1/21 I wonder if they got the idea for Diego's awesome backpack from the original batman. However, I don't wonder why LG likes watching the show with Caroline.

1/22 about to watch the social network. Lots of unnecessary sex scenes, and kind of documentarish..

1/23 LG's super excited about our new weekly couple planning meeting

1/24 My congregation would like to collaborate with other churches/support organizations to provide a free carnival for local families who care for children with special needs. Would any of you like to get involved, or do you have any connections with people who would?

1/24 My little cheerleader...how did this happen..she's the quietest one. LOL Sophia is gorgeous and I loved watching the joy on her face.

1/24 My Bella playing ball...somebody in this family was bound to do something that dad will enjoy eventually. Love you Bella. You are great on that court.

1/24 does anyone know about Spring Softball signups in fountain city or powell? Bella wants to play.

1/25 Does anyone know of any great online resources where I can get weekly healthy menus with accompanying shopping lists?

1/27 I really think that Mitt Romney could be the next Ronald Regan for US economy. C'mon people if our citizens can elect a Catholic, an undeclared Muslim..isn't it about time we gave the Mormon a real chance?

1/27 Steven Tyler is a big old teddy bear. I just love him.

1/27 I had an epiphany yesterday. God doesn't love any of his children less than others. It's just that we children vary in our ability to receive his love. Whoa. This answered a philosophical question that has bothered me for years. Am I getting that wise or was I just really dumb?

1/28 If LG gets a job out of state he is gonna have to drag me away and brave some serious kicking and screaming.

1/30 hopes LG will survive church today; I'm staying home

1/30 the sounds of my man, 4 daughters and our dog outside together are music to my really stuffed up ears

A Mom Heart, Her Pets, and Her Hero

Hey everybody.

We aren't necessarily moving.

Sorry for the scare.

It's just that LG is looking for a new job,

and that could bring a new residence.

Let's face it,

the economy sucks.

And you have to go where the work is.

Today one of LG's cousins said they were looking for a dog.

My mother in law so kindly offered up ours.

She knows I have been thinking about finding her a new home.

I have been stressed about finding a new place for her to live,

in case we have to move.

You know, I do that stress thing from time to time.

Why?

Because I am a mom.

That's why.

And I have a mom heart.

I can't help it.

And I want to make sure that all of my kids (and pets) are taken care of.

I take no child left behind to an all new level. It's called no living thing left behind.

So, this cousin, who would provide Olive (our dog) with a wonderful home,

offered to take her on a trial basis.

My in-laws were pulling out of the drive-way,

and it was all up to me,

as to whether or not Olive was going to go along.

At least that is what LG said.

I started loving on the dog,

and I couldn't keep the tears away.

My 12 year old Alice

who lost her best friend Major (a German Shepherd)

to the vet's needle,

seemed to show her true self.

She screamed,

"Please don't make me do this."

It was decided to postpone the decision for now.

Relief washed over me,

and the 12 year old Alice

thanked me incessantly.

Once a mom decides to care for something as her own,

nobody should try to come between them.

Unless they want to watch the mom cry

for any amount of time.

The funny thing is that I have complained about this dog.

I have constantly complained.

I'm the only ones who feeds her.

Or takes her on walks.

I have to bathe her.

And cut her nails.

And get up with her in the night.

And I have to run after her when someone lets her out,

and she can run about 80 miles an hour.

Seriously.

From the get-go I took the majority of the responsibility for cleaning up her messes.

And it took about 6 months and ripped out carpet to properly house-train her.

But gosh danget...she is MY dog.

And I am not giving her away.

Because I promised to take care of her.

No matter what personal sacrifice I have to make.

And I love her.

And she loves me.

And my mom heart can't handle abandoning her.

And just writing the word abandon makes me want to throw up.

A mother can never abandon her children or her dogs.

She will throw herself in front of the train if she has to.

And her reward at this very moment is a dog sprawled out on the rug looking up at her with loyal eyes and her cat sitting next to her arm that rests on the desk while typing.

And on lots of days, that is more than her kids ever offer her for all of her sacrifice.

So, after my in-laws drove away,

LG says to me,

"Alice, I just made an important decision. If we do have to move, we are just gonna have to find a place that will let us have the dog and the cat."

"Why do you say that?" I question.

"You know why."

I wrapped my arms around him and started to bawl.

I love that man.

I heart Tennessee.

We have lived in Tennessee for 7 & 1/2 years.

I will admit, for this sheltered Western girl,

it took some serious getting used to.

I have blogged about some cultural differences in the past.

I have also blogged about some of the finest parts of the State.

I have laughed about the language barrier.

But, now as I face the possibility of leaving the state,

I can't stop crying.

Knoxville Tennessee has become more of a home

than any other home I have had.

Our little stone cottage

as humble as it may be,

is the place where I've

grown into my own skin.

It's the place where

LG finally finished college.

It's the place where

our 4th child was born.

It's the place where

so many memories were made.

Good and bad.

And isn't it funny how the only

difference between a good and bad memory

is time?

What's really crazy to me

is that even the things I hate about Tennessee

have become endearing overnight,

as I've faced the possibility of leaving.

And even the bad memories

have become some of my favorite

when I think of leaving the place

called home.

And every small thing

is remembered as a big miracle.

I think it kind of fitting that when I got here

I couldn't stop crying for about a year.

Because if I ever have to leave,

I am sure that will be about the same amount of time

it will take me to overcome my

home sicknesses.

I am so grateful I have blogged

about so many of my favorites.

Springtime.

Southern skies.

The variety of birds.

The rednecks.

The Baptists and the roadkill.

(not affiliated in any way -

really, they are both just

showcased in the same post.)

Church activities.

Some were bad.

(I am glad that the calling

of activities director

has been retired

because I never wanted that one again.)

The weather.

(I don't think I will ever

get out of the habit of checking it

frequently.)

A Tennessee storm.

The good people.

The scary people.

John Deere.

The home of tobacco.

The wrestling.

Rich tradition.

Fried Chicken.

Rocky Top.

Smokey.

The beautiful nature.

Our yard.

the good and bad.

Yellow milk.

Green country roads.

And last but certainly not least

Becoming white trash.

(I consider it an honor and privilege.)

We have come far

from the days

when we didn't want anyone to know

we were white trash.

And thanks

to Tennessee,

We now embrace ourselves.

Even the parts

that in the rest of the country,

we might be expected to hide.

If we end up having to move,

I hope the rest of the country

is ready for some Southern living.

Because we never plan to wash a car again.

And we have learned the art

of lawn ornaments.

Surely they can put up with our bad habits,

once they taste my

Southern cooking.

More tears.

I am never gonna make a biscuit again.

My Love Affair

I have a confession to make.

I have a new passion in my life.

Or an old passion rekindled.

I figured if I was in survival mode for most of 2010,

I may as well accomplish something.

So for my moments of needed escape,

I gave in to my all alluring friends.

Books.

They are my free entertainment.

They are my free therapy.

They are my free daydreams.

They are my free history lessons.

They are my free writing critics.

They are my free friends.

They are even my free lover on the nights when my hubby and I are too tired to hash it out.

Wow, that sounds gross. K - so not really my free lover, but they are usually way more romantic than my main squeeze, even if I don't do romance.

My friend Rita just sent me the nicest compliment.

She said my librarians said that I am one of their favorite patrons.

I think that may be the best compliment I've had in a long time.

Because it means that they know that I love to read.

But it also means that they don't think that

I am all that bad of a parent

even when I have had many melt down moments

with my children while perusing the shelves with a toddler in tow.

Well, I was proud of myself because in 2010, I read 41 books.

That is 3+ per month.

My goal in 2011 is to do 48.

One book a week.

I will do it.

(Oh, and yes, I just came back to fix these numbers

because after the initial publish I realized that

there aren't 48 weeks in a year,

but I can't remember how many weeks there really are...52?

I am laughing at myself so hard right now.

Math was never my thing.

I'm an English kind of gal.

And the goal is staying at 48

because I am giving myself

however many other weeks there are in a year OFF.

Geez louise. I'm a mess.)

Just as soon as I get past reading The Scarlett Letter.

It is taking forever because the Old English is hard

and I don't know all the vocabulary words.

Oh to have that kind of eloquence.

So, I know you are dying to hear what I read.

Since I quit writing book reviews.

(My other goal of the year is to let go of guilt - so get over it.)

Here it goes: (in no particular order)

1The Best Christmas Pageant Ever by Barbara Robinson (I read every Christmas)

2The Help by Kathryn Stockett

3The Book Theif by Markus Zusak

4The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

5Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins

6The Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins

7He Did Deliever Me From Bondage by Colleen C. Harrison

8Ford County by John Gresham

9Still Alice by Lisa Genova

10Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford

11Leaning into The Curves by Nancy Anderson

12These Is My Words by Nancy Turner

13Cold Mountain by Charles Frazier

14A Funny Thing Happened on My Way to the Future by Michael J Fox

15The Maze Runner by James Daschner

16Afternoons with Emily by Rose MacMurray

17The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan

18The Sea of Monsters by Rick Riordan

19The Titans Curse by Rick Riordan

20The Battle of the Labyrinth by Rick Riordan

21The Last Olympian by Rick Riordan

22The Last Talk with Lola Faye by Thomas H Cooke

23Uglies by Scott Westerfield

24Pretties by Scott Westerfield

25Specials by Scott Westerfield

26Extra by Scott Weseterfield

27Cars from a Marriage by Debra Galant

28The Walk by Richard Paul Evans

29The Past by Jodi Picoult

30To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee

31Boundaries by John Townsend

32Driven to Distraction by Edward Hallowell

33Financial Peace by Dave Ramsey

34Where Men Win Glory by Jon Krakaner

35Defensive Tactics by Steve Westover

36The Seeker by Ann Gabhart

37Behind Ever Good Man by John Bytheway

38AA - The Big Book

39The Peacegiver by James Ferrell

40The LDS Guide to Addiction Recovery

41Motherhood: the 2nd Oldest Proffession by Erma Bombeck

I heart books and reading and writing and all things literature.

It is my dream to write a really good novel someday.

I came up with a great idea while reading this year.

It's a mixture of survival and future like Hunger Games

but with a cowboy indian flare like These Is My Words.

Those were two of my favorite books this year.

As a mother of 4, I find my 2010 reading accomplishments congratulatory.

If I could just include in my numbers all the children's books I've read this year.

I am sure I read Brown Bear at least 100 times.

The Snow Blues

After a month of almost consecutive snow days and Winter Break,

this mom is officially in Cabin Fever mode.

I even pulled out my old gowns as a new point of interest.

I have been in a foul mood.

I am not sure quite why.

It's a combination of things, I am sure.

The lack of sunshine.

My house being at 60 degrees to conserve cash.

The cooking three meals a day,

EVERY day.

O.k. I'll be honest:

no breakfast

just lunch dinner and the 4th meal.

The daily routine of

Wizards of Waverly Place, Hannah Montana, and Cake Boss

should be envious.

(And just for the rest of you moms who are trying to survive

with a Netflix membership

because the remote

to the digital converter went missing ages ago

and you don't have any real T.V.

the last of those three shows is the winner of

Best Entertaining TV)

And there's nothing like a really long

run-on sentence to express the true sentiment

of my last month.

I've been dreaming of going to Carlos' Bakery

for a warm lobster tail or crumb cake.

Of course, in my dreams,

I am decked out fashionably

with my hair done, make-up on, and nails brightly painted.

I guess if my mind really had some imagination

I should have been wearing a Miley wig

and some Wizard glasses.

Because that is what the kids would find entertaining.

But, in my dreams,

I am all alone.

Go figure.

And then I sit to blog.

Because maybe it will help me find myself.

Or at least pull me out of this mood.

And I stumble upon this old photo:

and I remember how awesome my kids are.

And how fast they grow.

And then the smell of a poopy diaper

brings me back to my senses.

Just as Caroline goes flying off the bottom of treadmill.

And for the millionth time

with my kids

we laugh.

And I think

it's too bad

their teachers don't get to

see them at their best.

And I tell myself

to embrace these snow days.

Because even though the days go by so very slow.

The years fly by.

And, next winter,

if I am lucky

The Tennessee weather God

may bring no snow at all.

But of course,

by then I may be living in South Dakota.

And LG will still be saying,

"Oh, but this is still nothing

compared to the Winter of '88."

And I will no longer wonder how my mom survived

with seven children

because I will be longing

for my childhood

in

Southern California.

Where snow days

don't exist.