Better than a Church Sign.

I think:

"Goodie, I

have

successfully

brainwashed

my

children."

And then I remember that it's true.

I choose you

I choose you.

Every day.

I choose you.

No matter how poor.

I choose you.

As I always have.

I choose you.

No matter how broken.

I choose you.

As I always will.

I choose you.

No matter how hard.

I choose you.

I have to.

I choose you.

No matter how wrong.

I choose you.

I must.

I choose you.

No matter how long,

I have to wait for your success,

or your happiness, or your comfort, or your perfection.

I choose you.

And because I do,

nothing else matters.

When I choose you,

I am a success.

I am happy.

I am at peace.

And I am perfectly whole.

Mr. Obama

Abigail was telling me yesterday that she had written a letter for The President. She is preparing for a trip to Washington D.C. soon.

Sophia questioned, "Did you write Dear Mr. Obama", and for some reason that struck my funny bone.

I think Abigail may just be writing these letters for some blog attention. I don't want to disappoint her.

Dear Mr. President,

I would love it if you made everything cheaper. I know you can't but could you check with the Legislative Branch, please?

You may be wondering why I am asking. Well, my family is in the red zone. We have 4 kids, two pets, and two parents. All but my dad are girls (even the two pets), so, you know how that is with all the drama, clothes, and make-up. Again, thank you for reading this.

Sincerely,

Abigail Gold

P.S. Please reply

Noteworthy

* just a note: this is the picture I decided to use as part of this post, it has no affiliation to Adrian Burnett, except for the fact that all the staff live the Golden rule. I don't want to get any non-believers out there up in arms.

If you live in Knoxville, Adrian Burnett Elementary is the place to educate your children.

I cannot praise the staff enough.

They help me to raise my children.

They mentor my children in one way that means the world to me:

positivity.

Every year I get choked up. Every dang year! "Why", you ask? Those darn awards days. Yes, you wouldn't be surprised by me crying at the pride I have in my children. They fair well, but I am always proud of my children. It's something even greater than them.

It's this time of the year that I get to be proud of people besides my children. I am so proud of the teachers at Adrian Burnett. They believe in their kids, no matter how hard the year may or may not have been. The last week of school, you will find EVERY child leaving the school with a ribbon in hand and a message that will remain in the hearts of the children who attended this wonderful school, full of wonderful teachers, administrators, and support staff. The teachers find something to congratulate every child for whether it be "most improved reader" or "the nicest friend in the class". In fact sometimes, I leave, wishing that my kids would take one of these special awards home over the many others that they always get. What better message can a child earn than:

"I am good at something" and "Somebody noticed".

My love and admiration goes to them all. And my thanks goes to God because he has made it possible for my children to have such a wonderful opportunity to be educated in ALL the things of this world. Every day, they see by almost perfect example the power of kindness and service.

Addicted to Love

"You might as well face it, you're addicted to love." The lyrics and music to the song keep ringing through my ears like a perched crow taunting the starving cat who waits and hopes. The cat forgets that he has a full bowl back at home. He also forgets that he really doesn't like crow, but it's his instinct to hunt and so the song goes on.

Just two months ago, I reached my breaking point in therapy. What was my final lesson? I'm addicted to love.

I haven't quite figured out the real reason why I am addicted to love, but I get the concept and that is all that really matters.

As I learned in The Five Love Languages, we all have a love tank. Much like the water coolers shown here. Throughout our days, months, and years people fill our love coolers. Sometimes they fill them with Kool-Aid, or water, or maybe sometimes they attempt tea, even though you don't drink tea. Many people have learned to fill their own water cooler and some people are so good at it, it's as if their water cooler is located directly beneath a broken spigot.

Well, my spout has a leak. No matter what people fill me with, it has never been enough. In technical terms, I am a codependent. "Hi my name is Alice, and I am addicted to love." This is a hard lesson to learn about oneself. Nobody wants to be broken. And more than anything I never wanted to be needy.

But, codependence is sneaky. While one is so busy keeping up the facade that they are strong and courageous, on the inside, their mind and emotional well-being is subconsciously in warfare. A co-dependent IS the person who takes care of everybody else. They won't admit it, but their drive in caring for others is to somehow to gain approval and love. A co-dependent needs to be needed. Being needed somehow makes them relevant. As a lifelong codependent I have a really hard time even identifying my feelings at times because I have trained my mind to believe something that isn't true. I have trained myself to think I am strong when really I am just this little wounded girl who needs extra attention. Well, guess what? It's fine time I grew up. I don't need extra attention and I also don't need to be strong for everyone else.

The problem is that co-dependents don't know it but they drain the people close to them. The people close to them get sick and tired of trying to meet a need that can't be filled and they turn away. If the co-dependents loved one is not healthy or strong enough lots of times they will turn to an addiction. If you know an addict, trust me, you will soon come to know the co-dependents that surround them. Every addict needs an enabler. I can't say that I blame them. I understand because my mother is also a co-dependent. In fact, I think my dad might be too. It is exhausting to try and give someone something that they really can only give them self.

The blogosphere is a great place for co-dependents. If you are addicted to your comments, you may want to ask yourself why.

So, every day of my life is now spent in trying to fight this insatiable need. I try to combat it in many ways. One, I try to love myself. Another thing that I have found essential is always self-talking. I use the phrase, "You don't need to be loved". I also catch myself doing silly things every day and I try to stop them.

I can NOT volunteer for a millionth thing this week. I can not fish for that compliment. I can be content NOT knowing every last detail about my spouse. I can laugh if they are talking bad about me. I can quit trying to be perfect. I can quit trying to make my husband and children perfect. I can admit that I have needs. I can try to make my needs healthy. I can quit clinging to people. In jest, I can let go.

I know I've got you thinking. I am happy to have this newfound knowledge about myself because I am happier then I have ever been. It's o.k. that I'm addicted to love, as long as I am in recovery.

Let love go and if it doesn't come back to you, it was never yours in the first place. If it does come back, hold on to it forever.

I AM BECAUSE

I want to start a revolution.

I want I AM_______BECAUSE_____ to become commonplace.

Forget "hello" or "how are you doing" or "I am fine".

I want friends and family to start using I AM __________ BECAUSE _________ in our everyday interactions. Especially the people at my house.

Why? Because I need to know how people feel without reading their minds. I need for the people around me to identify their feelings because I love them and I want them to be happy. And we can't turn our frowns upside down if we don't acknowledge that we are walking around with a frown in the first place. We also can't rejoice together if nobody ever communicates their triumphs or happiness.

So, I will go first. And then you can try. My goal is to have slightly more positive things to say than negative. Because I am a realist and I am not ready to completely ignore the negative quite yet.

I AM proud of this "I am" idea BECAUSE it is simple and I think in all it's simplicity, it could make a profound impact on the amount of therapy my family needs.

I AM Alice Gold BECAUSE I married LeGrand Gold and I couldn't wait to take his name.

I AM not going to be buying any Arbonne from Sarah BECAUSE I cannot afford it.

I AM somewhat frustrated today BECAUSE no matter how much things change, so many things stay the same, especially the ones I want changed.

I AM grateful for my friends BECAUSE they put up with my tendency to overshare, but I stand by my philosophy that it is better to overshare than undershare.

I AM worried BECAUSE my 5th grader is going to middle school next year and those kids at orientation today were looking kind of scary.

I AM hoping for a break from my baby BECAUSE I am over it today.

I AM mostly happy BECAUSE I am trying really hard to look for the positive.

I AM ignoring life with this blog post BECAUSE I am trying to avoid the things that make me feel crazy, depressed, or unloved.