40 pounds

Our landlord came over today.

We've never met in person before.

The only place she has ever seen me

is on my blog.

Coincidentally, my blog is how she

decided to rent to us last April.

She walked in the house

and said,

"Wow, you look so different than I expected.

You look so different than your blog."

I said,

"I've lost forty pounds since that blog photo."

Then she said she could really tell

and that I should update my photo.

I decided to do a little experiment and take a photo to compare.

I do believe there is a difference.

A toddler size difference.

The side by side was validation

for all that running

and calorie counting.

I so wish I could have a baby without gaining

that forty pounds back.

But, I am grateful for the knowledge 

that my parents raised me to have.

Family is what matters most.

And guess what?

I have a family that loves me

no matter what size I am.

And I have four wonderful children

who are extremely grateful to me

for not placing my appearance

at such a high priority that

they were completely erased

from this world.

I know of many women

who determine their self-worth

by size.

I want you all to know

that I was just as important 

to my God, my husband, and my children

in that before picture.

And I will keep that picture on my blog,

even though I can now change it out for a skinnier version

because I love me

and I love that those old pounds represent

the time I spent with my children

and the months I gave to growing them inside of me

instead of obsessing at the gym

to please people in a world that

have screwed up priorities.

Yes, I feel a million times better

now that I exercise regularly

and eat healthier.

And yes there are women

out there who look great

and can have babies and go back to 

pre-baby size the day after birth.

Yes, there are women who

are healthy and not unhealthily obsessed with their weight.

Yes, yes, yes.

But me, I am probably going to gain my

forty pounds back

and I will probably gain more back after

the next baby is born

because having a newborn is stressful to me

and I get so tired

and choose to take care of my kids

over myself.

I may do better this time

as I have made great progress in 

the taking care of me category.

Or I may not.

But in the end,

I will have made the choice that matters most.

And that makes me happy

with the before and after pictures.