Evolving

I  used to trap myself in the ideal that people shouldn't change, and then I went to therapy. I now realize that people not only can change, but they should. Change has made me a much happier person.

As you know, last year I made the hard decision and retired this successful spot online. I moved on to a great little blog that was created for the purpose of supporting myself through some changes, specifically learning to love being a stay-at-home mom. I am proud of what I created here and what I created at InLoveatHome, but I can't stop changing. I'm evolving all the time and I am sick of jumping ship when a subject gets uninteresting to me.

I came up with a solution....create a blog that allows for evolution. Make myself a place where I am not confined to writing about funny things or even things about the home. I wanted a place that would support me in my aspirations to write. My youngest is going to kindergarten this year, and I want to really dig in to my dream of writing a novel. I can't shake the haunting feeling that I am not getting any younger, and I shouldn't wait for a sunnier day.

So, with great risk of looking like a total fool I have created a space just for me. O.k it's only 1/8th of a place so far. I still have a lot of work to do.

If you feel so inclined to follow me or support me in my dream, please know you are welcome to join me at my new blog. The title bears my name and I hope to stay there for, well, forever. See you there. alicewgold

So happy with the new blog.

Starting a new blog is the best thing I have ever done. I am learning so much and feeling myself become a better person just because I have chosen to focus on what matters most.

Today I wrote about one of the good lessons I learned on the trail last week. I don't know if I would have had my eyes open for it without the blog. It is the best feeling knowing that I am heading in the direction God wants for me. The best feeling!

I think I might start taking one old post from here and repost it over there until I feel I have transferred everything over that I really care about. This way I will also get practice in the editing department. It's the start of something new. It feels so right to be here with you...high school musical is awesome.

P.S. come over and like me on my new FB page inloveathome as the imsofunny FB page will be retired on Monday and eventually so will this whole blog.

In Love At Home

Over at my new blog InLoveAtHome, I have touched on the subjects of

Summer Labor - My kids are earning their school clothes.
Raising Girls - My hubby is the best father of daughters.
Affection - Some girls like it like boys.
Bathroom Serenity - Yes this post is titled "Pooping In Peace" and one of my girls asked if I thought anyone would actually read it.
Sleep - Extra sleep helps parents be happier.

and more.
Come join me where the blogging hasn't stopped
and where I really am learning to love motherhood.

A Whole Month

I've been on my new journey for a whole month and it's been somewhat like detox. I don't feel the need to check my e-mail anymore as there won't be anything there for me of social importance. I'm surprised because I am kind of enjoying the solitude. I have had a lot of time on my hands to get in touch with myself.

I'm an attentionmonger. It's been kind of fun to attack this weakness. Liberating to not need people as much.

It also can be lonely. I have become more aware of how extroverted I am. I need more social in my life, but unlike my past I need the social to have meaning. I am trying to focus on quality instead of quantity. I want to start a bookclub. I feel like my bookclub ladies in Knoxville were some of my closest relationships that made a difference in my life.

I've been reading a lot. In the past two days,  I have enjoyed two books: Lucky by Alice Sebold (LOVE HER) and Heaven is Here by Stephanie Nielson. Both have given me perspective for me. I am blessed. I also need to be happy with a very small sphere of influence even if it's just my own little family.

The one thing I have been feeling a lot in the past month is that there is something out there for me. There is some way that I will make my stamp on the world, I just don't know what it is. I feel like I need to figure it out. It's been a little frustrating.

Am I supposed to adopt more kids? Have more kids? Write an inspirational book? Just keep living my quiet little life and enjoying my family? Then I go back to my self peptalk of "Alice, you can't live your life for other people to notice. You just have to live your life FOR other people."

I think the thing I notice the most about people who truly influence others is that they are comfortable in their own skin. My skin? It doesn't fit quite right. I am working on it.

Letting go

I've talked about starting a new blog for forever, but I just didn't have the courage to let this one go.

I still haven't figured out how to completely walk away as I don't want to let my life chronicled here for the past 8 years to be lost forever. I think I will post once a month or so here just to keep this alive for all the work and writing and photos and memories.

But, this is my big announcement. I am finally strong enough to say goodbye. It's a big deal. This place has been my refuge in many many hard times. My readers have been there for me giving me the will to go on. I am bawling as I write this. Truthfully, bawling. I'm going to miss you all. I'm going to miss this support system. I'm going to miss this blog and it's worn torn pages, like a big old journal I've hauled with me everywhere I go. I feel like I am throwing it into a bonfire or onto the shelves of a daycare full of toddlers.

But, God has wisely and ever so gently worked with me to help me to NOT need the approval of others.

Yeah, I'm still a work in progress and some days I do better than others. Today is a struggling day, but I have to do it, it's the right thing.

I am letting go of this blog in the hopes that I will love myself enough, and look to God for what I really need, what none of you really could have given me all along.

I have started a new blog. I need an outlet in this next phase in my journey and I am the kind of learner that learns best by writing. I have debated and even wrestled with the Lord over the new blog. I can't let it become a crutch. I can't want it to be HUGE,  like I've done all along here. The world's approval does not matter. The only thing that matters is if I am living true to my God and what He asks of me.

Right now what He has asked of me is to be home with my kids. Like I said in the last post I am struggling with His request. I have trust issues. I have resentment. I have pride.

My new blog is the place where I will focus on learning to love being at home because that is what He has asked of me, and even though I have been parenting for 14 years I still have a lot to learn. So much to learn.

I can't market it. God has told me that much. I can't write for the approval of others.This is something I will have to battle within myself every day, but in the long run I know it will give me more peace. The only way I can healthfully blog is if I am using it as a measuring stick for my approval or as a place to solidify what I learn. So, I won't have comments enabled on my new blog.

I hesitate to even share the new place with you, but really, I won't even know if you are reading, and I hope I get to a place where I won't care if you are. Not that I won't care about you and our friendship, but that I won't care if I blog for a million people or just me. I want to blog for me and keep it between me and my God because He's bigger than a million people.

Here it is. Follow me on my journey if you'd like.
I hope it will be full of profound wisdom, straight from God.
If you aren't into that kind of thing, I hope you will have a change of heart.
Not because I need you at my new place online, but because God needs you, and someday answering to Him is all that is going to matter.

Wow. This is bitter sweet. It feels like a funeral and a baby being born at the same time.

Thank you all for you friendships. Thank you for your support.

But I don't wanna

Living a life on faith is not for the weak or faint of heart.
It is not easy.
In fact, it may be the hardest thing we are required to do.
Actually, I think I can safely say it is the hardest thing we will ever do.
Not just in this life, but in our whole existence.
This life is the test.
Are we going to trust that God has a plan for us or not?
Are we going to prove that we will be strong no matter what he throws our way?

As I mentioned, I have been feeling the need to be home more with the kids. We originally thought that we would be able to move to make up the difference in our income loss if I quit my job, but it looks like God is not only asking me to quit, but also asking us to stay in our home for now. Double whammy.

I gave my two weeks notice at work yesterday. I don't know how we are going to make it financially except to say that we have a year supply of wheat and I know how to make bread.

God is giving me an opportunity to master the finances. I am about to become even more frugal then I thought was possible.

That's putting it nicely.

What I really feel is what I said in my prayers last night.

"No God. I don't want to do this. I've already been poor. I'm sick of being poor. I trusted you last time when you told us to go to law school with three kids and then open a failed law practiced, and look where that got me. I don't want to do this. Why?"

And the answer comes: "Because you have more to learn."

and then

"And this time it's going to be easier and it's going to have a better ending. Just trust me."

Me:
But I don't wanna.

Last night, I closed my prayer in tears, not feeling any peace. Sick to death for Boston. And worried sick for the little girl that was abducted in Provo.

And then today, I made my depressed self get out of bed and pray again.

"Please God, just get me through today. Help me trust. Give me peace. Bless them all."

I head out on my run with a heavy heart.

And 2.5 miles in, my song comes on.

And I remember where I have to look for peace.

As I warm down, I get this news:

And God says

ever so humbly

"See I've got this Alice."

Who the heck is Mae Jemison

About a month ago my 5th grader, Sophia, came home with the information on the school's wax museum. She was to pick an American hero to impersonate. They gave her a list of great choices such as Eleanor Roosevelt, Helen Keller, and Rosa Parks. We talked the choices over and forgot about it.

A few weeks later, after a long night at work (I now work 4 nights a week to subsidize what we call the Obama tax/health care) I came home and helped LG with the delayed bedtime rituals. As we went through Sophia's backpack, she remembered to tell me that she had chosen her wax museum hero that day because it was the deadline. (Way to be an absent mom! - And how I would pay) My excitement was immediately erased as she informed us that she had chosen....wait for it......

Mae Jemison.

"Who the heck is Mae Jemison?" my hubby and I questioned simultaneously.

"The first female African-American astronaut," Sophia answered innocently enough. (But I know that deep down inside she was really like, "I'll show you, mom, for being at work."

My mom radar immediately alarmed, "Did you say African-American?" as I carefully reanalyzed my 11 year old very blued eyed, very blonde haired, very Caucasian daughter.

It's times like these that I am 100% convinced someone has hidden a secret "gotcha" camera somewhere in the couch cushions. And times like these happen every day at our house.

LeGrand couldn't contain his overly exuberant smile headed in my direction with the subliminal message of, "Thank heavens I have the Y chromosome. It's all you babe."

Today I am proud to announce that I not only immediately committed, but embraced my daughter's dream of being the first Caucasian girl dressed as the first African American female astronaut.

After 2 hours at the thrift store, 1 hour at the sewing machine, 5 hours at the computer, 1 hour printing, taping, and pinning (and re-washing and pinning after the other daughter's judgement error of spilling a bottle of coke on the orange outfit waiting to be worn on top of the nightstand ), 1 hour of wig trimming, 2 hours overseeing the poster making, 1 hour of help with the speech, and 3 hours of searching for the right make-up, a stroke of genius with the snow boots that look like they belong on the moon, and 30 minutes of haggling (and losing) to the girl to let me do it before she went to school, I gladly share the end result.

And yes, she tore off the wig in less than 

two seconds after I turned off the camera.

(I forgot to mention the special trip to Sally Beauty Supply

 for what I learned is called a wig cap.)

And even then the wig was still too itchy.

White girls are so whimpy

about their beauty aides.

It's at times like these that

homeschooling doesn't sound so crazy.

And just in case you moms are ever

called upon for the same task,

here is everything you ever need to know

about

Dr. Mae Jemison

in the first person

 I was born on October 17, 1956 (which would make me 57 now) in Decatur, Alabama. My parents were Charles and Dorothy Jemison and I was the youngest of three. I am still alive today and achieving many things.

            I was raised in Chicago and graduated high school at age 16 and went to Stanford University on a scholarship. I graduated from Stanford with two degrees! One was a Bachelor of Science degree in Chemical Engineering, the other an Associate Bachelor degree in African and Afro-American studies. I later attended Cornell medical school and achieved the requirements to become a medical doctor.  I then went to West Africa with Peace Corps to be a medical doctor from 1983-1985.

            I then came back to America and became a doctor in Los Angeles, California. I was also a dancer so at the time I was deciding which I should be. Should I be a dancer or a doctor? And I still wanted to achieve a childhood dream, a dream I had since kindergarten, I wanted to go to space. Many people told me that I couldn’t go to space because I was a woman. But I applied to NASA to become an astronaut and they accepted me.

            On September 12, 1992, I blasted off into space becoming the very first African-American women ever to go to space. I went into orbit on the Space shuttle Endeavor and I was in space 7 days 2 hours and 30 minutes. My space mission was called STS-47. On that mission I was the science mission specialist. My mission was a joint operation between the U.S.A and Japan. My experiments dealt with bone cell research. With me I brought a picture of my old dance crew. I proved many people wrong that day. I also fulfilled my dream to be an astronaut.

            Since getting back from space I quit working at NASA. For a while I was a professor of developing countries and advanced technology at Dartmouth College. I got to be the only person who has been to space to act on the TV show “StarTrek: The Next Generation”. I have created the Jemison Group which works to bring advanced technology to people worldwide and fosters a love for science in students. Now I speak at a lot of engagements, am the President of two technology companies, and love to spend time my cats in Houston, TX where I live.

Next year, I am hoping Bella will be wise enough to pick Bill Gates, like this smart neighbor.
Of course, we would have to chop off all her hair and dye it blonde.

It's about time.

A gem of further reminding.

God isn't too mysterious sometimes.

My job

This weekend the message came to me for the thousandth time.
It was a clear as a bell, like it always is when I stop to listen.
It was an answer to my two pages of questions to God.

It came from Bruce D. Porter and was entitled Beautiful Mornings.

I do this every 6 months. I write down all the life struggles that I am having in form of questions to God and then I spend a whole weekend listening to living prophets, and I listen for the answers. They always come through the gift of the Holy Ghost. God whispers them directly to my soul. This time there were 18 specific answers all small parts to my journey back to Him, and all connected to one another.

My questions varied from how can I afford to go back to college to should we move to a cheaper place to save money. How can I strengthen my marriage? What is my life mission and how do I accomplish it? How can I be happy in my calling? (I meant my job at church but had no idea until I listened intently that I also needed this answer for my calling in life)

All the answers pointed to my most important title: mom

Pleasing God needs to be my first priority. When I make pleasing God the top priority in my heart, my husband and children rightfully earn their places at the top of my to-do lists. If pleasing God means that I have to quit my job and live on rice and beans, so be it. If it means that I don't get to go back to school for another year or two, it's o.k. I need to live my life on God's timetable and with his rules because He is where I will find the greatest happiness. If I never get the dream house or the coveted vacation because I limped through hubby's law school and supported him through the aftermath (and beyond - for the next 40 years of student loan payments) and encourage my children's extra-curriculars it will be to my glory: eventually.

For me the answer is always that MY JOB is to nurture my children and support my husband. My job is to let go of my need for approval in the eyes of others. I have to let go of the Western culture of acquiring wealth. I even have to let go of my need to achieve certain things because if I am doing it for me and not for Him, it's wrong. It'll never be right no matter how wonderful.

It's so ironic that after recommitting myself and finding inner peace,
my beautiful morning looks like this:

"Mom, do you know what this is?

It's my job to do."

"Mom, move out of my way!

.....

I'm looking for something important.

Can you help me find it?"

Who knew inner peace would be so loud?

or rainy?

and disguised 

as one mess after another

for me to clean?

Once again I am brought to my knees.

Please God, help me to understand.

Help me be humble.

Help me love my job.

Help it to make me happy.

And I just found this on facebook and must include it

for my Mormon friends.

I guess things could always be worse.