Letting go

I've talked about starting a new blog for forever, but I just didn't have the courage to let this one go.

I still haven't figured out how to completely walk away as I don't want to let my life chronicled here for the past 8 years to be lost forever. I think I will post once a month or so here just to keep this alive for all the work and writing and photos and memories.

But, this is my big announcement. I am finally strong enough to say goodbye. It's a big deal. This place has been my refuge in many many hard times. My readers have been there for me giving me the will to go on. I am bawling as I write this. Truthfully, bawling. I'm going to miss you all. I'm going to miss this support system. I'm going to miss this blog and it's worn torn pages, like a big old journal I've hauled with me everywhere I go. I feel like I am throwing it into a bonfire or onto the shelves of a daycare full of toddlers.

But, God has wisely and ever so gently worked with me to help me to NOT need the approval of others.

Yeah, I'm still a work in progress and some days I do better than others. Today is a struggling day, but I have to do it, it's the right thing.

I am letting go of this blog in the hopes that I will love myself enough, and look to God for what I really need, what none of you really could have given me all along.

I have started a new blog. I need an outlet in this next phase in my journey and I am the kind of learner that learns best by writing. I have debated and even wrestled with the Lord over the new blog. I can't let it become a crutch. I can't want it to be HUGE,  like I've done all along here. The world's approval does not matter. The only thing that matters is if I am living true to my God and what He asks of me.

Right now what He has asked of me is to be home with my kids. Like I said in the last post I am struggling with His request. I have trust issues. I have resentment. I have pride.

My new blog is the place where I will focus on learning to love being at home because that is what He has asked of me, and even though I have been parenting for 14 years I still have a lot to learn. So much to learn.

I can't market it. God has told me that much. I can't write for the approval of others.This is something I will have to battle within myself every day, but in the long run I know it will give me more peace. The only way I can healthfully blog is if I am using it as a measuring stick for my approval or as a place to solidify what I learn. So, I won't have comments enabled on my new blog.

I hesitate to even share the new place with you, but really, I won't even know if you are reading, and I hope I get to a place where I won't care if you are. Not that I won't care about you and our friendship, but that I won't care if I blog for a million people or just me. I want to blog for me and keep it between me and my God because He's bigger than a million people.

Here it is. Follow me on my journey if you'd like.
I hope it will be full of profound wisdom, straight from God.
If you aren't into that kind of thing, I hope you will have a change of heart.
Not because I need you at my new place online, but because God needs you, and someday answering to Him is all that is going to matter.

Wow. This is bitter sweet. It feels like a funeral and a baby being born at the same time.

Thank you all for you friendships. Thank you for your support.

But I don't wanna

Living a life on faith is not for the weak or faint of heart.
It is not easy.
In fact, it may be the hardest thing we are required to do.
Actually, I think I can safely say it is the hardest thing we will ever do.
Not just in this life, but in our whole existence.
This life is the test.
Are we going to trust that God has a plan for us or not?
Are we going to prove that we will be strong no matter what he throws our way?

As I mentioned, I have been feeling the need to be home more with the kids. We originally thought that we would be able to move to make up the difference in our income loss if I quit my job, but it looks like God is not only asking me to quit, but also asking us to stay in our home for now. Double whammy.

I gave my two weeks notice at work yesterday. I don't know how we are going to make it financially except to say that we have a year supply of wheat and I know how to make bread.

God is giving me an opportunity to master the finances. I am about to become even more frugal then I thought was possible.

That's putting it nicely.

What I really feel is what I said in my prayers last night.

"No God. I don't want to do this. I've already been poor. I'm sick of being poor. I trusted you last time when you told us to go to law school with three kids and then open a failed law practiced, and look where that got me. I don't want to do this. Why?"

And the answer comes: "Because you have more to learn."

and then

"And this time it's going to be easier and it's going to have a better ending. Just trust me."

Me:
But I don't wanna.

Last night, I closed my prayer in tears, not feeling any peace. Sick to death for Boston. And worried sick for the little girl that was abducted in Provo.

And then today, I made my depressed self get out of bed and pray again.

"Please God, just get me through today. Help me trust. Give me peace. Bless them all."

I head out on my run with a heavy heart.

And 2.5 miles in, my song comes on.

And I remember where I have to look for peace.

As I warm down, I get this news:

And God says

ever so humbly

"See I've got this Alice."

Who the heck is Mae Jemison

About a month ago my 5th grader, Sophia, came home with the information on the school's wax museum. She was to pick an American hero to impersonate. They gave her a list of great choices such as Eleanor Roosevelt, Helen Keller, and Rosa Parks. We talked the choices over and forgot about it.

A few weeks later, after a long night at work (I now work 4 nights a week to subsidize what we call the Obama tax/health care) I came home and helped LG with the delayed bedtime rituals. As we went through Sophia's backpack, she remembered to tell me that she had chosen her wax museum hero that day because it was the deadline. (Way to be an absent mom! - And how I would pay) My excitement was immediately erased as she informed us that she had chosen....wait for it......

Mae Jemison.

"Who the heck is Mae Jemison?" my hubby and I questioned simultaneously.

"The first female African-American astronaut," Sophia answered innocently enough. (But I know that deep down inside she was really like, "I'll show you, mom, for being at work."

My mom radar immediately alarmed, "Did you say African-American?" as I carefully reanalyzed my 11 year old very blued eyed, very blonde haired, very Caucasian daughter.

It's times like these that I am 100% convinced someone has hidden a secret "gotcha" camera somewhere in the couch cushions. And times like these happen every day at our house.

LeGrand couldn't contain his overly exuberant smile headed in my direction with the subliminal message of, "Thank heavens I have the Y chromosome. It's all you babe."

Today I am proud to announce that I not only immediately committed, but embraced my daughter's dream of being the first Caucasian girl dressed as the first African American female astronaut.

After 2 hours at the thrift store, 1 hour at the sewing machine, 5 hours at the computer, 1 hour printing, taping, and pinning (and re-washing and pinning after the other daughter's judgement error of spilling a bottle of coke on the orange outfit waiting to be worn on top of the nightstand ), 1 hour of wig trimming, 2 hours overseeing the poster making, 1 hour of help with the speech, and 3 hours of searching for the right make-up, a stroke of genius with the snow boots that look like they belong on the moon, and 30 minutes of haggling (and losing) to the girl to let me do it before she went to school, I gladly share the end result.

And yes, she tore off the wig in less than 

two seconds after I turned off the camera.

(I forgot to mention the special trip to Sally Beauty Supply

 for what I learned is called a wig cap.)

And even then the wig was still too itchy.

White girls are so whimpy

about their beauty aides.

It's at times like these that

homeschooling doesn't sound so crazy.

And just in case you moms are ever

called upon for the same task,

here is everything you ever need to know

about

Dr. Mae Jemison

in the first person

 I was born on October 17, 1956 (which would make me 57 now) in Decatur, Alabama. My parents were Charles and Dorothy Jemison and I was the youngest of three. I am still alive today and achieving many things.

            I was raised in Chicago and graduated high school at age 16 and went to Stanford University on a scholarship. I graduated from Stanford with two degrees! One was a Bachelor of Science degree in Chemical Engineering, the other an Associate Bachelor degree in African and Afro-American studies. I later attended Cornell medical school and achieved the requirements to become a medical doctor.  I then went to West Africa with Peace Corps to be a medical doctor from 1983-1985.

            I then came back to America and became a doctor in Los Angeles, California. I was also a dancer so at the time I was deciding which I should be. Should I be a dancer or a doctor? And I still wanted to achieve a childhood dream, a dream I had since kindergarten, I wanted to go to space. Many people told me that I couldn’t go to space because I was a woman. But I applied to NASA to become an astronaut and they accepted me.

            On September 12, 1992, I blasted off into space becoming the very first African-American women ever to go to space. I went into orbit on the Space shuttle Endeavor and I was in space 7 days 2 hours and 30 minutes. My space mission was called STS-47. On that mission I was the science mission specialist. My mission was a joint operation between the U.S.A and Japan. My experiments dealt with bone cell research. With me I brought a picture of my old dance crew. I proved many people wrong that day. I also fulfilled my dream to be an astronaut.

            Since getting back from space I quit working at NASA. For a while I was a professor of developing countries and advanced technology at Dartmouth College. I got to be the only person who has been to space to act on the TV show “StarTrek: The Next Generation”. I have created the Jemison Group which works to bring advanced technology to people worldwide and fosters a love for science in students. Now I speak at a lot of engagements, am the President of two technology companies, and love to spend time my cats in Houston, TX where I live.

Next year, I am hoping Bella will be wise enough to pick Bill Gates, like this smart neighbor.
Of course, we would have to chop off all her hair and dye it blonde.

It's about time.

A gem of further reminding.

God isn't too mysterious sometimes.

My job

This weekend the message came to me for the thousandth time.
It was a clear as a bell, like it always is when I stop to listen.
It was an answer to my two pages of questions to God.

It came from Bruce D. Porter and was entitled Beautiful Mornings.

I do this every 6 months. I write down all the life struggles that I am having in form of questions to God and then I spend a whole weekend listening to living prophets, and I listen for the answers. They always come through the gift of the Holy Ghost. God whispers them directly to my soul. This time there were 18 specific answers all small parts to my journey back to Him, and all connected to one another.

My questions varied from how can I afford to go back to college to should we move to a cheaper place to save money. How can I strengthen my marriage? What is my life mission and how do I accomplish it? How can I be happy in my calling? (I meant my job at church but had no idea until I listened intently that I also needed this answer for my calling in life)

All the answers pointed to my most important title: mom

Pleasing God needs to be my first priority. When I make pleasing God the top priority in my heart, my husband and children rightfully earn their places at the top of my to-do lists. If pleasing God means that I have to quit my job and live on rice and beans, so be it. If it means that I don't get to go back to school for another year or two, it's o.k. I need to live my life on God's timetable and with his rules because He is where I will find the greatest happiness. If I never get the dream house or the coveted vacation because I limped through hubby's law school and supported him through the aftermath (and beyond - for the next 40 years of student loan payments) and encourage my children's extra-curriculars it will be to my glory: eventually.

For me the answer is always that MY JOB is to nurture my children and support my husband. My job is to let go of my need for approval in the eyes of others. I have to let go of the Western culture of acquiring wealth. I even have to let go of my need to achieve certain things because if I am doing it for me and not for Him, it's wrong. It'll never be right no matter how wonderful.

It's so ironic that after recommitting myself and finding inner peace,
my beautiful morning looks like this:

"Mom, do you know what this is?

It's my job to do."

"Mom, move out of my way!

.....

I'm looking for something important.

Can you help me find it?"

Who knew inner peace would be so loud?

or rainy?

and disguised 

as one mess after another

for me to clean?

Once again I am brought to my knees.

Please God, help me to understand.

Help me be humble.

Help me love my job.

Help it to make me happy.

And I just found this on facebook and must include it

for my Mormon friends.

I guess things could always be worse.

Book Review: Parenting with Spiritual Power

Parenting with Spiritual Power by Julie K. Nelson
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

You know the old philosophy that parenting doesn't come with a manual?
Well, it's crap.
If you have The Holy Bible, you have one of the greatest parenting manuals in existence.

If you add to the Bible, the Book of Mormon, and the teachings of the living prophets, and you are still struggling as a parent, Julie K. Nelson has written this book just for you. I have been so touched as I have read this book: God has given us great stories to help us with the most important work we are called to do as parents. If you, like me, need help in applying those resources, then you need to get your hands on a copy of this book ASAP. It is truly an inspired parenting manual.

I have long studied principles of parenting and found many of the most important theories I've learned over the years in the pages of this book. Truth just oozes from the pages of "Parenting with Spiritual Power." Oozes. As I read I found myself amazed at how many modern-day applications there are in the ancient scriptures. I know that sounds lame, but it's true. I have learned a lot of these truths already in my own study, but to find them gathered together in such an easily applicable format is almost too good to be true: but it's not. This book is full of truth in one easy-to-read resource.

If you want to learn more about depositing into your children's banks of self-worth, setting reasonable boundaries, how to positively correct your children, live sacrificial lives, stomp out anger and develop greater charity as a family, and how to show faith in your children this book is for you. Like me, I believe you will be totally shocked at all you've been missing when studying the scriptures. I've had the handbook in my hands all along, I just didn't realize that I needed Julie Nelson to translate it for me.

Thank you Julie. I recommend this book for all parents, even those that aren't Mormon. What a wonderful and much needed resource for all of us.

You can buy the book for just $11.04 at Amazon or $13.99 at Deseret Book. After reading this book I can honestly say I would spend double that. Really, can we even put a price on better parenting?

View all my reviews

Easter Photos 2013

I've decided I really shouldn't torture the family with a photo shoot more than twice a year. 

It's pretty painful for them (and me) to have the required patience with my budding interest in photography. 

I find solace in one thing:

I am being a great example

of diligent pursuit of hobbying.

I hope that all my girls

will have hobbies

that they love and enjoy

and don't give up

for any reason.

(especially when they are moms)

The pictures may look good

but trust me

they took a good hour or two

and there were many many outtakes.

Thank 

goodness 

for

digital.

My favorite moment of the day:

making out with LG

while the kids watched

and/or

hammed it up for camera.

 

My second favorite moment:

watching the girls enjoy the shore.

Note to self:

no guardrails

Crazy Family.

I'm really bummed

we didn't get a good one

of this set-up.

really bummed.