The neighbor girls keep telling this really lame joke about a Chinese man who gets to marry a princess because unlike the American or the Italian, he was able to keep his camel from pooping in the dessert voyage. "Me stick cork up camel's bum." Then all the kids roar in laughter. I remain dumbfounded.
When I was a kid we had a joke that we thought was HILARIOUS.
It went something like this:
A doctor, a police officer, and a lawyer were captured on a deserted island by savages.
The savages tied them to a tree and told them that they would be dead by sundown.
They said, "We're savages, but we're civilized savages, so before we kill you, we'll tell you what we are going to do to you. We are going to drink all your blood. We are going to use your bones for jewelry. And we are going to use your skin to build canoes." Then they granted all three one last wish.
The doctor requested a knife and slit his wrists and bled to death.
The police officer requested a rope and hung himself.
The lawyer requested a fork. He proceeded to poke himself all over and resiliently proclaimed,
"To heck with your canoes."
Hundreds of times, this joke was retold and every joke teller was guaranteed a laugh by all listeners. Nothing like that to encourage a girl to grow up and write on a blog that tries to make people laugh.
So I got an idea.
My contest for July is a joke sharing contest.
It is up to you to share a joke that you think will make my husband and children laugh the hardest.
You can take it off the internet or give me the best you had as a child, but whoever makes them laugh the loudest and longest, will be proclaimed my winner.
The one catch is that the joke must be about three people. The american, italian and german. Or the Bishop, Relief Society President, or primary kid. Or the mom, dad, and grandma....
And get this! If you win, you will receive a $20 gift-card of your choice from me.
You have the whole month to enter here. You can even tell your friends, if you don't mind some healthy competition. Leave your joke in the comments. Make sure you think hard before you do, as you are only allowed one entry.You have until midnight July 31, 2011.
Come back here on August 1, 2011 and I will post all the jokes but the winning joke and it's submitter will be featured.. I will also tell you what new contest there will be for August.
Bella just said, "I like this contest."
Sophia said, "Yeah, it's going to make us laugh."
That's my girls!
I really hope you guys aren't going to disappoint them.
Sure glad I won the last contest. I would only win this one if there was a prize for the LAMEST joke. :)
ReplyDeleteI personally love my own made-up joke and crack myself up, even if everyone else tells me it's corny as hell... Anyway!
ReplyDeleteWhat does a horse put on his sandwich?
NAYonnaise. *jazz hands*
Ooh, I think this is just a great idea. But the pressure is more than I can handle. I guess I"ll go do some internet searches. cuz I got nothin.
ReplyDeleteA panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The bartender makes the sandwich and gives it to the bear. The bear eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, shoots the man standing next to him, and walks out. Another man who watched the whole thing happen asks the bartender “What was that?” The bartender reaches under the bar, pulls out a dictionary and tells him to look it up. The man looks and finds this: Panda bear: Large black and white bear from Northern China. Eats shoots and leaves.
ReplyDeletepenguinlover_23 at yahoo dot com
Hey, I just saw a place where you can get gas for $1.99. Too bad it was Taco Bell.
ReplyDeleteSo I posted a joke before I read the rules, whoops. Here's my real joke:
ReplyDeleteA guy, a girl, and a nerd are stranded on an island. While exploring the edge of a cliff, they stumble upon a genie lamp and awaken the genie inside. The genie says, "I will grant the three of you the ability to transform into whatever you want, all you have to do is jump off the cliff and clearly yell what you want to transform into. The girl goes first and while jumping off the cliff yells, "SWAN...," and she turns into a swan and gracefully flies back to the mainland. The guy goes next and yells, "EAGLE...," and he bravely flies back to the mainland. The nerd goes last and as he approaches the cliff, he trips on a rock and yells, "CRAP....."
Three blonds were standing in a field when one of them shouted, “hey, look at these markings on the ground! I think they’re wolf tracks!”
ReplyDelete“Nah,” another blond remarked, “they look more like bear tracks to me.”
The third blond examined them and said “You’re both wrong, they’re definitely raccoon tracks.”
Sadly they were all killed instantly when the train ran them over.
There were 3 children: Flower, Feather, and Fridge.
ReplyDeleteFlower asked, "Mom, why is my name Flower?" to which she replied "Because a flower was the first thing to fall on you when you were born."
Feather asked, "Mom, why is my name Feather?" to which she replied "Because a feather was the first thing to fall on you when you were born."
Fridge said, "Herp derp dur" to which Fridge's mother replied "Shut up, Fridge."
Everyone is in a hurry to scream "racism" these days!
ReplyDelete> >
> >"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
> >
> >The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
> >
> >The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
> >something.
> >
> >If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
> >
> >Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
> >German?
> >
> >Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
> >Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would
> >you? Would you?"
> >
> >The clerk says, "Well, no!"
> >
> >"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
> >
> >"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
> >
> >With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why
> >did
> >you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
> >
> >The clerk replies, "Because you're in Home Depot."
> >
Here is my 3 person joke...
ReplyDeleteThree brothers got jobs in a lumber mill. At the end of the 1st day the boss paid all three with one check for $5.00 "What are we gon do with 5 bucks Beaufort? That ain't much for all three of us?
"Let me think about it."
Next day Beaufort comes home beaming with pride. "Looky what I got with our money and still have some left over. He then pulls a box of tampons from the bag.
"What the heck are we gonna do with tampons Beaufort?"
"Well looky right'heer boy, it says we can go swimming, hiking, ride horses or anything else we want to do!!
Once there were 3 people in an airplane, one took a bite out of
ReplyDeletean apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of
the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she
thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane. Then
the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it
was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane. Then they
landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little
girl who was crying and they asked, "little girl, little girl,
why are you crying?" and the little girl said, "an apple came
down and killed my new kitty". Next they passed a little boy
who
was also crying. And they again asked, "little boy, little boy,
why are you crying?" and the little boy said, "a lemon came
down
and killed my new puppy." Then they passed a blonde sitting on
the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, "why are you
laughing so hard?" and the blonde said, "I farted and the
building behind me blew up!!"
Mommy to Child: If I have $5 in this pocket and $1 in this pocket, what do I have?
ReplyDeleteDaddy: Someone else's pants!
(We actually had this conversation. LOL)
Three men, get shipwrecked on a cannibal island. Their names are James, Bob, and Fred. One cannibal scout finds them and takes them to the cannibal chief. The cannibal chief says to James, "Go pick a basket of peaches and I will consider not killing you." James picks the peaches and brings them back. The cannibal chief takes a peach, shoves it up James' bum, and he dies. Next, the chief says to Bob, "Go pick me a basket of oranges and I'll consider not killing you." Bob pics the oranges back. The chief takes one, shoves it up his bum, and Bob dies. James and Bob both get to heaven, James is crying and Bob is laughing hysterically. James looks at Bob and asks, "You just died, why are you laughing." Still giggling Bob replies, "I just saw Fred picking watermelons!"
ReplyDeleteThree men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, and Patrick had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”
ReplyDeleteThe first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off.
So I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and started hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell—but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”
“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Patrick, and he let the man in.
The second man comes up and Patrick explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. “It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved! But then he started beating on me and kicking me. I managed to hold on until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but okay. Just when I was thinking I was going to be all right, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me, killing me instantly. And, now I’m here.”
Once again, Patrick had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Patrick explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
“OK, picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator....”
We just read all the jokes and got some good laughs. I am going to have to do this every month.
ReplyDeleteThe winner of this joke contest is Valerie Walker with the funny fart joke. Wow, what a laugh!!! You were in real luck though, my in-laws were visiting while we read the jokes and they have an affinity for gassy things. lOL
Valerie let me know what $20 giftcard you would prefer and if you want me to send you an e amazon card or to mail you what you want. You can e-mail me at the address on this blog or just message me on facebook.
Congratulations! I am so happy for you to be the winner. I just wish you could have been here in person to join us for the laughs tonight.