Middle School Malady

Summer is over.

I am sending Abigail to school with the big boys.

And I fear for her because

I still have Middle School nightmares.

Here are some examples:

(LG says they are sad,

but really people,

read with a sense of humor,

comedy stems from tragedy,

and I laughed as I wrote

every single one of these

because

what doesn't kill you,

makes you stronger.)

1 - That one black kid who used to tease me incessantly that I was fat

is at it again. And I am stuck waiting for science class, and I can't escape.

2 - I am at school naked

running through the halls

at Valley Jr. High.

(Funny, that was really the name of my school

in CA, even during the infamous

80's Valley Girls song

Warning: Song has language and sexual content)

Like totally awesome.

3 - I am at Magic Mountain riding roller coasters all alone.

(I didn't go on the school's 8th grade trip

because my only friends Melanie and Angela weren't going

and who was I going to hang out with?)

4 - I am learning how to type things in DOS.

goto

HELP.

5 - I am dressed up like a mummy,

except I'm duddy, because my sister is mummy,

and we thought it would be funny if we coordinated

including the cabbage patch mummy who was bubby.

And I reek like ketchup

because that is what we used for the blood.

And my mom didn't tell us better.

Probably because we wouldn't listen to her anyway,

and she figured we could learn the hard way.

And I am stuck at school

and it's only 2nd period

and I can't stand the smell of myself

and Bubby is stuffed in my locker.

6 - I am dissecting frogs.

Or trying to hide under the table.

7 - I am eating Little Debbie Nutty Butty bars,

and cafeteria chocolate chip cookies,

and school pizza (still my favorite).

And I can't stop myself,

I just keep eating and eating until I am sick.

All I drink is soda or chocolate milk

And I am wondering why I am so fat.

8 - My hair is huge.

And it won't un-frizz.

9 - And I am stuck in the nurse's office with a hole in the butt of my pants,

and I don't want to tell her that a dog bit me on the way to school.

Because I have been warned not to play with strange dogs.

But I can either walk around school with my undies hanging out,

or risk telling my mom what happened.

10 - I am bored out of my mind

in History class,

but my teacher is so hot,

I can't concentrate.

11 - I am so sad because I didn't make Choraliers.

And all the cool kids love to dance and sing.

But, I could only sing,

and not dance.

12 - I am stuck in the library

once in 7th and once in 8th grade

because my mom doesn't think that the public schools

should teach kids about sex ed,

and I wasn't as smart as my brother and sister

to forge her signature

on the permission slip.

13 - I am standing there all awkward

because they forgot to call my name at graduation.

And it doesn't matter to anyone

that I had tried to be invisible

for the past two years

and now they were just

proving to me that I was out to be humiliated.

14 - And last, but certainly not least,

I can't remember

my dang locker combination

for the 1ooth time.

Oh, my dear Abigail.

Welcome to the worst years of your life.

And whenever you are having a really bad day,

remember that you are WAY better off

than your mom ever was

because

1 - you aren't fat,

and

2 - you have an amazing memory

that will keep you from ever

forgetting your locker combination.

I wish you would always listen to me

so that you wouldn't have to learn the hard way

But, that is just part of growing up.

In times of trial,

when you are saying,

"I should have listened to my mom"

know this,

I will be there to rescue you

when it gets really really bad.

Because

nobody on this earth

loves you more than I do.

And

I would never let you

wear a Halloween costume

doused in Heinz ketchup

past 4th period.